“They don’t know fractions!” my husband shouted across the house. He’d heard me reach “two-and-five-eighths!” and felt the need to point out that the ol’ 1-2-3 discipline method was not producing the desired results.
But my mom used it on me, so I do it to my kids. It works enough to justify keeping it in my arsenal, but when I really look at the technique, I notice how flawed “counting to three” is. If it’s not working (or only partially working) for you, here’s why, along with a better approach that requires fewer fractions.
The Reasons the 1-2-3 Discipline Method Doesn’t Work
It teaches your kids to ignore you.
Does any kid jump into action at “one?” I don’t think I ever used this technique and didn’t get to at least two-and-a-half. So you’re basically telling your kids you want them to do something, but they can wait until you’ve asked them three or four times. If your child plays a sport, would the coach let her ignore a command three times? Not if she wants to play in the next game.
It says you’re willing to negotiate.
“I’m going to give you to the count of three to get off the slide and come here.” A parent says that and thinks every count is a step closer to obedience while the child hears the counting as a chance to negotiate. I have three counts to convince her! It’s not realistic to think that obedience without question is always going to happen, and there are times when negotiating is inevitable, but counting to three gives your child power in the situation—which weakens your authority. And remember, your child needs you to be in charge.
It intensifies the situation.
I don’t typically use the 1-2-3 discipline method when I’m calm. Typically, I pull it out when I’ve already asked my kids to do something and am losing my cool. When you count, it naturally takes the tension up a notch, like a rocket that’s going to blast off or a timer waiting to go off. Some of my worst parenting has been done when I’ve felt pressure, so why invite it in?
It sets the stage for a blow-up.
We think counting for compliance prevents a blow-up because, of course, this time the kids will move at “three.” But when they don’t, we have to take it to the next level, which has not been thought out yet. The other option is we don’t do anything, and they see that it was an empty threat all along.
What to Try Instead
Empower your child beforehand.
I know, hindsight is 20/20, and you can’t always predict when a power struggle is going to happen. But if you have a child who tends to resist you, try coming up with ways to help him or her exercise choice. If it’s time to clean up and leave a friend’s house, to avoid having to count to three, you could say, “You can start by putting the game controllers away or cleaning up your snack. Which one do you choose?” If you’re urging your sleepy child to get out of bed, you can say, “It’s time to get up. Do you want cereal or yogurt for breakfast?” Giving kids agency in some areas will help with compliance in others.
Redirect.
There are creative ways to get your child to comply before the dreaded count to three, like redirecting. Every parent battles with getting kids to put shoes on. Instead of yelling, “You’ve got ’til the count of three!” try “Can you show me the silly noise the velcro on your shoes makes?” or “I’ve heard your shoes make you really fast. How about you put them on and show me?”
Give immediate consequences.
This is some tough love, but it will help you cut down on your child’s disobedience. Once, I told my son he needed to stop talking back or he would have to go to bed five minutes earlier. When he talked back again, it became 10 minutes. By the time we got to 20, he’d caught on, and the back-talk stopped. When our kids know there’s room for them to push, they’ll push. Make the punishment clear and you’ll see a change in their behavior.
Be a human.
What I mean here is that instead of just ordering our kids around, let’s empathize and show them we understand why they might not want to do something we’re asking them to do. “I know you don’t want to put the toys away; it looks like you’re building something really cool. But we have to leave now or we’re going to be late.” A little compassion goes a long way. It might not always lead to instant obedience, but it will always help your relationship.
Do you use the 1-2-3 discipline method? How does it work for you?
