I just heard a recording of a hilarious high school voicemail. The prompts for the parents to choose included, “To make excuses as to why your child did not do his homework, press 2,“ and “To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8.” The school’s teachers unanimously voted for this message because they were fed up with the parents’ demands. While the answering machine recording is funny, it can also be convicting if you’re an overprotective parent.
If you feel like that’s you, know you’re not alone. Our culture has become highly child-focused, and it’s easy to feel pressure to be obsessed with our kids’ lives. But you can stay (somewhat) objective and take a balanced approach to raising your kids if you try to remember these 4 things.
1. Don’t make this your second childhood.
Have you ever watched one of those reality shows with the pageant moms or the sports dads who are way too invested in giving their child a competitive edge? Do you ever think, “Who’s competing here—the parent or the child?” Occasionally, we try to capture via our children the glory or success we feel we missed out on in our own childhoods. But that’s a recipe for disaster because success becomes the goal rather than the development and maturation of our child.
If you’re tempted to get too wound up about your child’s successes or failures, ask yourself honestly: “Am I motivated by how this makes me feel, how it reflects on me as a parent, or is it about what is best for my child?” If you can gain a little emotional distance, you’ll parent with greater wisdom.
2. Prepare the child, not the path.
I once saw a school slogan that read “Preparing the Child for the Path, not the Path for the Child.” It helped me to realize that my job as a parent is to teach my child how to deal with a world that is not always fair, not always nice, and not always right. Too many parents today spend more energy trying to rearrange the world to suit their child than training their child how to deal with the adversity they’ll face.
The next time you’re tempted to complain to the school about the rule that your child was caught breaking or call the bully’s mom to tell on him, realize that there will always be rules we disagree with and must follow, and there will always be bullies in the world. You’ll never be able to eradicate them for your child, so the wiser course is to teach him how to handle them with integrity and maturity.
3. Don’t love them to death.
Sometimes our excessive focus on our children—which we would surely call love—feels like pressure to them. Be glad when they succeed and concerned when they struggle, but your personal happiness shouldn’t rise and fall based on what’s going on with your child. That’s too much pressure for anyone, especially a kid. Some children will even push back from this type of expectation by rebelling and going in the opposite direction. Love them and care for them, but don’t make them the center of the universe.
4. Recognize the value of the disasters.
If overprotective parents can realize that their job is to prepare their children for life—which is full of joys and disappointments—they’ll handle those big crashes in a more productive way. If your daughter didn’t get a part in the school play, help her learn how to get back up and try again at the next audition—because she’ll likely have to recover from a similar let-down in real life. If she doesn’t make the team, it may be the very thing that motivates him to work harder in the off-season to improve his skills for next year. A child who never has to navigate some heartbreak is a child who’ll go into the world unprepared.
For the school’s answering machine recording, listen here.
When is it hardest for you to step back from your child’s life?
