“Look for my name in the headlines.” That’s how my 11-year-old niece closed her speech about her aspirations to become an architect. She’s only about four feet tall and 75 pounds, but watch out, because that little girl is powerful. I’m not surprised. Her mother, my sister, is a force to be reckoned with, too. She’s a woman who doesn’t let anything stop her. I wish all girls had a mom like my sister to look up to.
If I had a daughter, I wonder if she’d be like my niece. Would I have the strength to raise a girl in today’s world? The good news is, sometimes, asking the right questions is enough to give her a start on becoming the woman she was created to be. If you’re not sure what to ask, start with these 10 questions to ask your daughter.
1. What do you think?
Research shows that in the workplace, women are less assertive, less likely to negotiate, and often punished for engaging in strong behavior (and sometimes called a nasty name because of it). Start building your daughter’s confidence now by asking for her opinion and listening to her answers.
Check in about small things like what color to paint her room. And ask about more serious topics, like if she thinks the balance of household chores is fair. Sharing her opinion doesn’t mean she always gets her way, but it helps her practice using her voice to assert herself.
2. Who’s your closest friend right now?
This is a great question to ask your daughter to discover what’s happening in her world. Has her friend group changed? Has her longtime BFF abandoned her or vice versa? When my neighbor asked her daughter this question, the reply was just a shrug, so you might have to read between the lines or ask a follow-up question.
3. What do you like the most about yourself?
This question could lead to “nothing,” which means it’s time to pour on the encouraging words. Or maybe your daughter will say it’s “the way I can get along with anyone,” in which case you can agree wholeheartedly. Be ready to respond with your own answer and show her it’s OK to be a woman who likes herself.
4. What song are you listening to on repeat?
It’s a wise use of your time to become more familiar with the pop culture that’s influencing your kids. Listen to the lyrics, watch the music video or TikTok video, and discover what the artist is about. Resist a knee-jerk reaction to a song you don’t approve of. Instead, follow up with some of these questions to open the conversation and help her think more critically about what she listens to.
5. What do you want to talk about?
Ask this question and then pause to give her time to think. She needs to know you care about what she cares about. Don’t worry if the topic she brings up isn’t deep. Some of the best conversations can start with the most basic thoughts.
Favorite ice cream flavors might get her to open up about concerns about her weight and annoying siblings can launch you into a discussion about being a good example. Or the conversation can just stay at the surface and you can enjoy getting a glimpse into her mind.
6. Do you know how special you are?
Usually, questions to ask your daughter—or any child, really—should be open ended, but this is a yes or no question that will always give you a powerful answer. If she says “no,” maybe she doesn’t recognize her uniqueness, or she might, but she needs to hear your affirmation anyway. If you get a “yes” from your girl, a warm hug and “Good!” is a great response that tells her you know it, too.
7. What matters most to you right now?
Thanks to social media and phones putting news and events into everyone’s hands, many kids today care about things that are considered adult issues. Our girls especially can carry an emotional burden, so find out what’s on her mind and ask her to explain to you what she knows.
8. Do you ever feel pressure to be something you’re not?
For girls, thoughts of fitting in or not fitting in can live rent free in their minds, constantly telling them they need to change who they are. Some girls are confident and won’t change for anyone, but if yours says, “Yeah, sometimes I do feel pressured,” ask why and remind her that being different shouldn’t be confused with being flawed.
9. How do you feel about ____?
Are you sensing a pattern? This is the fourth question on the list that indirectly tells your daughter that what she thinks is important, so she should speak up. Ask her about something in the news or a controversial TV show. It’s not just for school or a future job that she needs to know her voice is worth listening to. What she feels matters when she doesn’t want a boy to touch her or if her friend wants to drink alcohol in her car.
10. What do you dream of doing?
Just like my niece hopes to see her name in Architecture Monthly someday, your daughter has a dream, too. Then again, it’s possible she doesn’t. Just asking this question will give her permission to consider her interests and desires. You know your daughter’s future is bright. Help her see it too by encouraging her to dream.
For advice on 7 Things a Daughter Needs From Her Father go to our fatherhood site, All Pro Dad.
What other questions for your daughter would you add to the list?
