I sat next to my friend in her back yard, listening to her gush about her daughter’s new boyfriend. “He’s the star lacrosse goalie with a 4.0 GPA and he’s the student council president.” Sounded pretty perfect, I thought. “Does Stella like him?” I asked. My friend shrugged. “They’ve only been talking a few weeks. But I have a picture from their first date at the beach. Wanna see?” She whipped out her phone and seconds later, turned it toward me, beaming. “Good looking guy, right?” I lifted my sunglasses and leaned forward, peering at the screen. Oh, my, I thought, my brow creasing as I tried to decide what to say next.
The boy, bare-chested with an eye-popping set of abs, grinned as he leaned into Stella, his arm draped nonchalantly around her shoulder, his cheek pressed to hers. Stella smiled with her arms wrapped primly around her knees. Something felt off. “First date?” I finally said and my friend nodded. Well, the boy seemed really comfortable with Stella. Maybe my friend and I just didn’t share the same opinion of the perfect boyfriend. I started to think about what type of boy my daughter would like someday. And I came up with 5 types of boys I wouldn’t want my daughter to date.
1. The Controlling Type
Does he insist that they always do what he wants? A football game over a volleyball match. The beach instead of the park. If he gives ultimatums—“If you don’t go to the party with me, I’ll find someone else!”—he shouldn’t be near my daughter.
2. The Insecure Type
Does he rely on your daughter to make him feel good about himself? Does he need to text or talk to her multiple times a day? The boy may be sweet and kind, but if he’s too needy or uses my daughter to build his own self-esteem, he needs to work on himself before dating. And my daughter needs to spend that time on schoolwork, athletics, music, or other interests instead of him.
3. The Touchy Type
I don’t want anyone touching my daughter without her permission. I know some people just relate well with things like light touches to the arm, but what about the boy who plays with her hair? Or tickles her? Or hugs hello and goodbye? Or likes to rest his arm on her shoulder? Or holds her hand whenever they’re with you? Too much is too much. If he’s touching her that much, it may be a sign he wants to touch her even more in ways I would definitely not approve.
4. The Manipulative Type
How does he make your daughter feel? Does he guilt her into doing things she doesn’t want to do? “A bunch of us are going out for lunch. Missing one math class isn’t going to hurt you.” Obviously, a boy who says this isn’t a good influence. And his intentions aren’t good either. No one should make our daughters feel bad about doing the right thing over what he wants.
5. The Verbally or Physically Abusive Type
When I was an older teen, my parents told me they didn’t like the way my boyfriend talked to me. I couldn’t see it at that time, but I started paying attention and realized they were right—he put me down way more than he built me up. I ended things shortly after.
Verbal abuse and physical abuse are definitely red flags. If a boy touches my daughter in anger or hurts her physically in any way, I will not only step in, but I will call the cops.
I pray, though, that I never have to; there are so many good young men out there, and I hope my daughter someday meets one who not only respects her and cherishes her but shares our family’s values. I also hope I’m raising a boy who will do the same when he starts dating.
What other “types” of boys should moms of girls be aware of when our daughters start dating? What behaviors should we make sure to teach when raising our boys?
