“I can handle it,” I told my parents back in the eleventh grade. I chose the sleepover instead of staying home and getting a good night’s sleep. I truly believed I could still kick butt the next day at the all-state volleyball tryouts. I look back now and wonder: What was I thinking? We didn’t sleep much at the party, and the living room floor didn’t do much for my back. When I arrived at the gym, tired and dragging, I envied my volleyball friends who looked sharp on the court. When I didn’t make the first round of cuts and they did, I wanted to cry. But I could only blame myself for making a poor choice.
It’s not fun watching your teen suffer the consequences of bad decision-making, but part of growing up is learning through experiences. In this stage of development, moms of teens must make the shift into these 3 new roles for her kids to grow into confident young adults.
1. Observer
My friend’s daughter Caty wanted to be an exchange student to Germany her senior year of high school. Even though it made my friend nervous, she let her daughter do the research. In the end, Caty decided to hold off and reconsider a summer program in college. “If I’d told her to wait,” my friend said, “she would’ve fought me. But letting her explore her options made it her choice and she felt satisfied with her decision.”
Kids will make good decisions and bad ones. They’ll show poor judgment at times and lack motivation to explore better choices. But as Sheri Moskowitz Noga, M.A. says in her book Have the Guts to Do it Right: Raising Grateful and Responsible Children in an Era of Indulgence, it’s a big change in our role as a parent. But being an observer now is more loving and supportive than saving them from every misstep we see coming.
2. Advisor
My son, who’s in high school, has struggled with math for a couple years. He’s now 15 and it hasn’t gotten easier. His teacher told him to consider dropping down from honors to college prep, but my son fought hard to make honors and doesn’t want to throw in the towel. “Let’s make a pros and cons list,” I said, sitting down with him one evening. When we were done, he still didn’t have a clear-cut answer, but he has a few days to decide, and I want the choice to be his.
Moms of teens have the wisdom of experience and can advise teens as they navigate these difficult years. Even if it seems like they’re unwilling to listen, our kids do hear us, Noga points out, and they often internalize what we say. But gone are the days when we decide everything for them. To help our kids be more assertive, we need to let them make the decisions that directly affect their lives. But we also need to keep communicating with them throughout adolescence.
3. Coach
My mom made me get a job when I was a teen. She drove me around and waited in the car as I ran in to ask, “Are you hiring?” She reminded me to follow up on my applications, and she let me practice interview questions with her. My mom steered me in the right direction and coached from the sidelines, but the rest was up to me. After I finally got hired at a small movie theater, I made decisions on when and how much to work.
As coaches, we’re instructing our teens about life and training them to make good choices. Teens will inevitably make mistakes like everyone else, and that’s OK. Each mistake is a lesson. If the teen speaks disrespectfully to you or stays out past curfew, she still needs to be disciplined. But letting natural consequences play their part whenever possible will also help teens learn.
Remember
Teens still need your love and affection. They need you to talk to them and check in often. They also need rules and consequences. Noga’s advice is to talk to other parents going through the same thing for support.
Caveat
Pay attention to your teen’s habits and whereabouts. Moms of teens need to intervene if you suspect that drugs, alcohol, or sex have become a part of your teen’s life. Noga points out that a teen’s poor judgment in this department could cause too much damage. Also, you’ll want to step in if your teen has sudden changes in his sleeping patterns or eating habits, or if he starts to withdraw. Depression is something we don’t want to let go unchecked.
What other roles do moms of teens have?
