It was 1:15 p.m. on a Saturday and I hadn’t seen one of my teenagers yet. She had slept in, grabbed a bagel when I wasn’t in the kitchen, and retreated back to her bedroom like a thief. I knocked on her door. “Hello?” I said, peeking my head into her disaster of a room. “Whoa. You need to clean your room today.”
“Ugh, Mom. I know.”
“OK. Well, I’m going to take a walk with the dog. Do you want to come with us? It’s really nice outside,” I said with a smile.
“No, thanks,” she replied, barely taking her eyes off her phone.
When teenagers are in their rooms all day, parents worry. You might think your only option is to lure them with cash or cookies. But if we understand the reasons why they stay cooped up, we can rediscover some compassion, adjust our approach, and find ways to get them out sometimes. Here are 6 possible reasons your teen wants to stay hidden.
1. Spotlight Fatigue
At this age, developing teen brains are egocentric—they think the world revolves around them. Teens believe they are always in the spotlight and being evaluated. Sometimes they need a break. So don’t take your teen’s retreat personally.
Teens believe they are always in the spotlight and being evaluated. Sometimes they need a break. Share on XOne remedy if your teenager is in her room all day is to refrain from being the constant critic. For example, when I pointed out that my daughter needed to clean her room, it was just another evaluation—and even worse, an evaluation of her safe space. Does that mean you can’t hold your teens accountable for doing chores? Not at all. Just don’t let it be the first thing you say.
2. Physical Fatigue
When a teen takes a three-hour nap, a mom may think, Oh no, my teen is getting lazy. But recently, our pediatrician said, “Let her sleep. She’s growing as much as a toddler!” Remember, teens need eight to 10 hours of sleep every day, plus one to two extra during their periods for girls.
So in almost all cases, let them sleep. Chances are, your teen is catching up from some deficit earlier in the week. In rare cases, unusual amounts of sleep may be a red flag. If you have concerns that it could be something else, talk to your pediatrician.
3. A Need for Privacy
“Why are you snooping over my shoulder?” my teenager said with a snippy tone. I immediately wondered what she was hiding. If you think this way too, you’re not alone. And in some cases, you might be right! Your teen could be up to no good. But it could also be that she is in a normal phase of craving privacy.
This phase is largely due to the desire to connect with friends without everyone listening in. Teens are trying out different social skills at this age and exploring who they are. They want to explore without judgment. And while this may scare us to death, giving our teens some privacy says “I trust you.”
4. Question Overload
Often, as soon as our teens have graced us with their presence, we start pelting them with questions. “Have you done your homework, finished your chores, taken your vitamins, and talked to Grandma?” Admit it—it’s exhausting just to read! Now, we know nagging is an option, but do you want to push your teen away?
So pick one. Ask the most important question. Save the other ones for later, or don’t ask them at all. After all, natural consequences are excellent teachers.
5. Sibling Avoidance
Raging hormones come with raging irritability, and siblings are often the first offenders. Even though avoiding the younger kids may seem unkind, it’s not a bad idea when irritable teens have little control over their tongues. So in this case, if your teenager is in his room all day, it’s his attempt at controlling a volatile situation.
As moms, we can’t force our children to have loving relationships with one another. We can only expect our teens to speak to everyone (including siblings) with the same respect they desire. And if that means a little sibling avoidance, as long as it’s not rude, it’s OK.
6. Different Interests
I used to feel sad when my daughter didn’t want to take a walk or play a board game with me. But those were my interests. As kids grow up, they’re figuring out who they are, their likes and dislikes.
So how do you get them to say yes? Figure out what your teen loves to do and suggest that. While this isn’t 100 percent foolproof, your chances of getting a yes from them go up dramatically.
Why do you think teens spend a lot of time in their rooms?
