“I mean, if I’m being completely honest…” When I overhear those words coming from one of my teenagers’ mouths, I hold my breath. It’s not that I don’t want them to be honest with friends, but I worry—are they going to overshare?
As a mom, I want to protect my older kids when their lips go on a talking spree because I know they don’t realize how costly it could be. Here’s how to help your teens stop oversharing.
1. Help them identify who they can trust.
One of my teens recently got a car. This child is (like me) not directionally gifted. So when she drove herself to a play rehearsal, she got lost, wandering around for two hours with a dead phone, no charger, and no GPS. She came home with puffy eyes and splotchy skin, having given up. At the next rehearsal, a cast member commented, “Nice of you to show up today!” That’s when my daughter launched into the whole story—in front of the entire cast. Yeah, they laughed. At her? With her? Probably both.
How can our teens discern what to say and when to say it? In the book Throw the First Punch, Beth Guckenberger gives a brilliant analogy you can use when trying to help your kids understand who to trust. Teach them to ask this question before they share: “Is this person in my house, porch, yard, or neighborhood?”
House: This is your family, the people who are with you through thick and thin. They see you at your best and worst. You can share it all with them.
Porch: These are your closest friends and extended family. This might be the friend you’ve known since the fourth grade or your favorite aunt. You can trust these people, and you know they will support you.
Yard: These are people you see regularly—in groups, classes, sports, church. This category includes teachers and coaches.
Neighborhood: This is everyone else—all your acquaintances and people you don’t know well.
As you expand from house to neighborhood, the level of personal details you share decreases. So in the above example, my daughter could have shared with her best friend how awful it was to get lost and how much it upset her. Her friend (who’d be considered “porch”) would’ve laughed with her, felt bad for her, and encouraged her to get a car charger!
But the random cast member? Nope. He’s in the yard. She didn’t owe him anything. It could have gone like this: Cast member: “Nice of you to show up today!” Daughter, with a smile: “Yeah, I’m glad to be here too.” No need to overshare the details of her driving escapade.
2. Tell them not to throw their pearls before pigs.
There’s a Bible verse in the book of Matthew that says, “Do not throw your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.” A little harsh, I know. But it’s an image that sticks!
Oversharing happens when we jump into sharing intimate or personal details about our lives (the “pearls”) with people who can’t be trusted with that kind of information (the “pigs”). Sharing these details leaves us vulnerable to becoming the subject of gossip, jokes, or misunderstandings. It’s important for our teens to know how precious their personal details and feelings are. If they see them as pearls to be given only to their most trusted inner circle, they’ll be more likely to protect themselves and appreciate when others entrust their feelings to them.
The size of the pearl matters, too. The situation with my daughter missing rehearsal wasn’t extremely personal; it was a small pearl. Small pearls equal small regrets. The bigger the pearl, the bigger the regrets. When teens throw out big pearls, their hearts and reputations can be trampled on in a way that’s harder to recover from.
Have you ever experienced oversharing and its consequences? How do you help your teen understand oversharing?
