I never told my mom that I wanted to be popular, but I’m sure my actions spoke louder than words. I remember being 14 and crying as I threw out my favorite red t-shirt. Why would I do such a thing? Because a popular kid had commented that the shirt made me look like a boy. I loved that shirt, but I thought I loved being popular more. I spent years trying to be like the cool kids, but I wasn’t really happy until I tried being myself instead.
In my time working with teens, I met many kids who made all sorts of sacrifices in the quest to become popular. I knew that if I could see those changes, their parents had to notice them, too. So if you confront your teens and they tell you they want to be the popular kid, here are 5 questions you can ask to get them to open up.
1. “How do you think being popular will change your life?”
I assumed that being popular would make me happy because it would strengthen my sense of identity, but more than anything, it was stressful and exhausting. I always felt like I was one step behind the crowd as I struggled to keep up. Most teens are trying to figure out who they are, but rather than turning inward, they look around at their peers. Teens think popularity will make them happier, but none of us can really be happy if we look in the mirror and don’t recognize the face staring back at us.
2. “What are the things you like best about the friends you already have?”
Some teens will be willing to reject old friendships to become popular. Before your teens have the chance to burn any bridges, ask them to list the reasons they became friends with those people in the first place. Many friendships are formed based on traits people have in common, and by encouraging your teens to really reflect on their friendships, they might be less willing to abandon their faithful friends for a chance to become popular.
3. “How will popularity make you happier?”
I began cheerleading in kindergarten because my two best friends did it. But when they distanced themselves from me on their journey to popularity, it went from being an activity shared with friends to a constant reminder that I wasn’t being myself. I would have been happier if I had spent my days skating or reading, but neither of those activities got me any closer to becoming a popular kid. Teens need to be reminded that most people are happier when they’re true to themselves than they are when they pretend to be somebody else.
4. “What changes have you made or been willing to make to become popular?”
Most teens trying to be popular will be willing to change the way they dress. Many will change the way they act. If your teens are considering making changes to be more popular, or if they’ve already done it, ask them if they like the changes they’ve made. I bought my first pair of jeans in high school because I thought they’d help me fit in. I had never liked the constriction of denim, preferring sweats and cotton leggings, but I wore them anyway. If you confront your teens about the changes they’ve made in a direct manner, they might be more willing to admit the truth to themselves.
5. “If you went through something tough tomorrow, would the popular kids be there to mourn with you?”
As a teen, I thought that more friends meant more love. Eventually, I realized that the more friends you have, the harder it is for any of them to really know you. When I worked with teens who wanted to be popular, I often reminded them that being loved by a few good friends is better than being liked by a bunch of acquaintances. Classmates who only know you on the surface probably won’t show up at your house with a pint of your favorite ice cream when your boyfriend dumps you or your dog dies. But the people who really know you and love you? They’ll be there with two spoons and a box of tissues.
How important to you was popularity when you were a teen? How do you think popularity has changed over the years?
