A few weeks ago, my son stayed after school for band practice, and I forgot to pick him up. When I realized my mistake, I scrambled to the door and headed to the middle school. He wasn’t at our designated pickup spot and my heart started to pound. There were no kids about and the sun had started to set. We lived only a couple miles away, but walking home with a trombone would easily take an hour. I cruised around, eyes peeled, until I spotted him. He’d crossed an intersection and had just started down a hill in the right direction toward home. Once I had a green light, I drove over and parked alongside him. The look in his eyes when he spotted me made everything better.
His hands were cold, and his back ached, but when he got in the car, he seemed OK. “I’m so sorry,” I said, glancing over at him. “Were you scared?” He admitted he was a little, but because we’d talked about how to get home before—in case something strange like this happened—he knew what to do. I saw something new settle on his shoulders. It looked encouraging to me, like confidence. I would never purposely leave my child behind, but the silver lining is he grew a little because of it. I want to raise a confident child and with these 6 ways, we can work on it together—safely from our own homes.
1. Limit your expectations.
“I know you can ace this class,” I said to my son one night, even as he struggled with the homework. He stopped and sighed. “Mom, you’re putting too much pressure on me.” My heart sank. I only wanted him to know I believed in him. But he took it as an expectation instead. I quickly ate my words: “I meant I know you can do your best. Whatever it is. I know you’re working hard.” His shoulders relaxed and he went back to his assignment. Putting too much pressure on teens to succeed—whether in the classroom or on the field—can eat away at a kid’s enjoyment or work ethic. Self-doubt can creep in.
2. Limit your demands.
“Mom, I’m so busy! I don’t have any free time anymore!” With everything he had on his plate, my teen had had enough. I heard this as a cry for help. My kid felt stretched too thin and his behavior reflected it. He’d started to worry about keeping up. After making some changes to his chore schedule and screen time allowances, he was soon back in a better place.
3. Acknowledge the small accomplishments.
Often, we spend more time being critical of teens than positive. No wonder they don’t feel confident! These days, I’m trying to acknowledge the small accomplishments when they happen. “Great job waking up on time without my help.” By doing so, I’m hoping I’ll encourage my child to do whatever it is again. But also, I know my positive acknowledgments will combat all the little criticisms that slip out. My goal is not to break her down but to build her up.
4. Listen and don’t lecture.
It’s hard not to offer advice when my teen is venting, but I’ve seen the glazed-eye look way too much lately. I’ve decided to listen more than lecture. Sometimes, he works out his own problem. Other times, a single-sentence response is all that’s needed: “I understand how that feels.” After all, I want him to be able to open up and all lecturing does is shut him up.
5. Stay in control of your own emotions.
When my kid says hurtful words, I know it’s because she wants a reaction. But I’ve decided to no longer give her one. Instead, I disengage. I imagine a forcefield in front of me and hurtful words bounce right off. Then, at the end of the night, it’s my kid who feels guilty and apologizes. By staying in control, we are modeling how to behave during a disagreement. According to the Sundance Canyon Academy, if your child opens up about a difficult topic, responding in a calm way will provide a “safe space” to open up again without the fear of a negative response. This, in turn, will help to raise a confident child who knows how to disagree in a respectful manner.
6. Challenge your child.
“Here’s 20 bucks,” I said, handing my teen the cash, along with a short list. “Go into Trader Joe’s and get these five things.” At first, my son hesitated. But looking down at the brace on my ankle, he knew I couldn’t join him. “Get yourself a candy bar too,” I added as he climbed out of the car. Encouraging teens to accept challenges—whether school-related or a personal challenge—can make growth happen. When my son returned with his shopping bag, the newfound confidence practically glowed on his chocolate-stained smile.
Do you have more ideas about how to raise a confident child, especially during the teen years?
