“Your turn to call,” my mom said. It was pizza night, and I was 10. “I don’t want to,” I whined. I threw a blanket over my head and tried to hide. “You either have to call and order the pizza, or run in and pick it up.” I groaned and picked up the phone. At least I wouldn’t have to put on my shoes. Once it was done, I collapsed on the couch. “Not so hard, right?” my mom asked. I shrugged, not admitting anything. The truth was it had gotten easier. The first time I called for pizza was the hardest and most nerve-racking, but the more I did it, the more confidence I gained.
My mom didn’t push too hard because she gave me a choice. But I’m glad she pushed enough because after making the call to the pizza place, I felt capable, even in this small way. You’re not always going to be able to push kids into doing something, nor should you always try. Pushing kids too hard can be detrimental to their well-being. It can also damage your relationship if you put too much pressure on them. But if done carefully and gently, there are 3 situations when it’s OK to push your kids a bit.
1. When They Need to Be Challenged
My daughter swam on the town’s summer swim team, so when her school announced the start of their club team, I was surprised she didn’t want to join. After talking to her about it, I realized she didn’t have a good reason. She’d just gotten comfortable hanging out in her room after school. So, I gently pushed her. “Go the first day and see how it is. I know a couple of your friends will be there,” I said. “If you really don’t like it, you don’t have to go back.” Luckily, she agreed to give it a try and when I picked her up after that first practice, she was all smiles.
Sometimes, the fear of the unknown or inertia holds kids back. Challenge them to give it a try. Gently push or encourage them, but don’t pressure them to be the best. Simply supporting them along the way is helpful. And it’ll give them confidence.
2. When They’re Bored
When I was a kid and bored at home, my mom would often say, “Call up a friend from school and invite her over.” I was shy back then and initiating social get-togethers made me nervous. But I felt great when a friend said she could come over. Because my mom pushed me a little to do something hard, I learned it’s OK to be vulnerable and I also learned to keep trying. Sometimes a kid could come over, sometimes not. I’m glad my mom pushed me in my boredom to do something difficult because it helped me with my friendships.
Boredom’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it forces kids to get creative. But if your child’s stuck, it might be good to give her a little push toward solving the boredom problem. It might just get her out of her comfort zone to try something new. For me, it helped, and I felt braver and more capable each time I invited someone over.
3. When the Focus Is on Them, Not You
My daughter has played softball for a few seasons. I think it’d be great if she wanted to join the year-round travel team because I enjoyed softball as a kid and my daughter would develop as a player. But I’m going to have to hear her thoughts. If she hesitates because she’s not sure she’s good enough or she’s nervous about tryouts, she might need a gentle push.
Pushing a child too hard can put too much stress on her. She may even come to resent you for it. So, it’s important to be aware of our reasons for pushing our children and not overdo it. Ask yourself: Is this going to benefit her or me? If I feel myself exerting too much energy to convince my child to do something, I know I need to stop. When the focus is on her, a gentle push may be all that’s needed. Keeping the focus on her will also help prioritize her mental health. If your child ultimately decides something’s not for her, we need to let it go. Plus, you never know. Her true passion might be around the next corner.
What are some situations in which you’ve had to push a child to do something that’s good for him or her?
