“I don’t need a lecture, Mom,” my kid said with an icy glare. I stopped midsentence. I tried to think of a snappy response but couldn’t. He’d said the very thing I didn’t want to hear. My son lowered his eyes to his book, pleased with my silence. How could I avoid lecturing and still get my points across? I certainly didn’t want to turn him off to my advice or bore him to death. I sank into the seat next to him at the table, still thinking. He glanced at me then, eyes narrowed. “Thanks. Now can I have some space?”
I left, contemplating my next move. I’d try again later. But I needed a new strategy. I wanted him to listen. Ideally, I’d like him to appreciate what I had to say. Was that possible? How do you talk to kids so they listen? If you’re about to sit down with your child, keep these 5 ingredients for a good mom talk in mind.
1. Good Timing
Trying to have a talk with my son while he’s in the middle of his homework isn’t great timing. If I want to talk to him so he’ll listen, I’ll need to hold off and wait for the right opportunity.
Timing is everything. According to the Harvard Business Review, in the business sector, employees were more likely to get a positive response from managers if they timed their ideas right. In the interim, they used strategic silence to determine when their bosses would be more receptive. As a result, almost 90% of employees who delayed their approach received a favorable response compared to 61% who didn’t practice strategic silence. So, if we want our kids to be more responsive to what we have to say, we need to gauge their mood, their busyness, and perhaps their tiredness to determine when they will most likely listen to a mom talk.
2. Attention-Grabbing Pauses
Do you know the Peanuts comic strip? When the teacher talks, it’s written as “wah-waah-wah-wah.” I don’t want to sound like that to my kid. So how can we prevent that from happening?
How to talk to kids so they listen: Pause every few words. Make eye contact. Your child will stay on alert if you’re not droning on and on. Plus, when you make eye contact, you’re seeking a personal level of connection, which most people respond to by paying closer attention.
3. Questions for Engagement
I wanted to encourage my son to join a club or two at school. I thought it’d be good for him and help him make new friends. So, once I’d found my timing (breakfast Saturday morning), I asked questions: What kind of club might interest you? Are you thinking more of a game club like chess or an activist-type organization? Have you seen any posters in the halls?
I don’t want to interrogate the kid, but asking questions puts the conversation in his hands to guide it where he wants it to go. If we’re both engaged, I’m going to get a better outcome.
4. Positive Physical Presence
When you’re on the couch relaxing after a long day, what’s better: Your husband standing in the doorway or sitting beside you? Or, when a coworker comes to chat at your desk, what’s nicer: craning your neck to look up at her or when she grabs a seat and sits beside you? Even before you know what someone’s going to say, a positive presence at your side subconsciously allows you to drop your guard and welcome the interaction. Consider the same approach when you want to talk to your child.
How to talk to kids so they will listen depends on body language. Sitting beside her puts you on equal footing. It also conveys to your child warmth and love no matter what the talk is going to be about.
5. An Upbeat Tone
It’s not always possible to be upbeat, especially with serious subjects. But if the topic of your talk isn’t life or death and has nothing to do with discipline, try keeping your tone light to encourage your child to listen.
Counselor Sheri Moskowitz Noga, M.A. says that even though it may seem like kids are unwilling to listen to us, they do hear us and often internalize what we say. You may not see the effects for days or even months, but they are processing it. Increase those chances by staying positive and using encouraging words, like “You’d be good at…” and “I believe you’re capable of…”
We all want to know how to talk to kids so they listen. Are there any other ingredients needed for a good mom talk?
