At a book club meeting a few years ago, the topic of moms came up. “I can never do anything right in my mother’s eyes,” one woman said, explaining how critical her mom was of how she dressed and how much she weighed. Another woman chimed in, “When my mom comes over, she complains about my messy house. Then she starts straightening up! I’m like, ‘Come on, Mom! You’ve been here five minutes!’” We all laughed with her, but I left thinking two things: I’m glad my mom’s not like that, and I certainly don’t want my kids to grow up and dread my visits.
Kids need to be able to handle criticism because, often, it’s how they learn. But being overly critical can damage kids and our relationships with them. Sometimes, staying quiet is the better option. Here are 6 times we should bite our tongues.
1. When She’s Starting Something New
Some kids are learning how to hold a pencil or comb hair, how to greet people, or how to play an instrument or sport. Kids are bound to mess up. I’ve learned the hard way that staying quiet is better for my kids’ growing self-confidence than continual correcting and adjusting. As author Wendy Mogel writes in her book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children, “If you demand that they do it exactly your way, you’ll take the creativity out of the task and increase their resistance to it.” She advises us to bite our tongues if we notice a flaw and say something encouraging instead.
2. When He’s With Friends
I felt bad for Colin when his mom criticized his performance on the soccer field after the game. Our boys had an animated chat going on about the game when she stepped over to her son. He visibly cringed when she said, “You know, it would’ve helped your team if you’d played more aggressively today. How’d you let the ball get past you so much in the second half?” According to research from Binghamton University, “Children exposed to high levels of criticism are at risk for things like depression and anxiety.” I’m trying to remind myself of this fact. Criticizing my kid, especially in front of his friends, isn’t worth the hit to his self-esteem—or the silent treatment on the drive home.
3. When She’s Expressing Feelings
As long as she’s being respectful, I can hold off and let her speak. Whether she’s crying about something that seems minuscule or venting over something that’s difficult, staying quiet and being an empathetic listener is better than making things worse by criticizing her. Biting your tongue and letting her talk opens doors for future conversations too.
4. When He’s Excited
“Mom! We’re going to attach these LEGO guys to the stomp rocket and see how far they’ll fly. Wanna watch?” My son started wrapping tape around a LEGO Darth Vader lying on the rocket. Farewell, Darth, I wanted to say. Nice knowing you. But I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to be a wet blanket. I also wanted my child to learn from the experience if Darth decided to disappear under some brush. Kids learn by doing and making mistakes.
5. When They’re Listening to You and Your Husband
Though I’m so tempted to call my husband out—“Elbows off the table!” or “You left the milk out!”—I’m trying to be more thoughtful in my delivery, especially when the kids are around. If I criticize my husband in front of my children, it undermines his authority as a parent. His value is lessened in their eyes, and I don’t want that. I want my kids to see that their dad and I are united, and I want to give them the confidence that comes with knowing our marriage is strong.
6. When They’ve Shown Improvement
A friend told me that in her mother’s eyes, “I could never do anything right. Even when I improved in something—like cursive or turning cartwheels—she’d always find something to critique.” My friend heaved a sigh at the memory. “I just wanted her to be proud of me.” Kids may start to feel like a failure in your eyes. They’ll get the impression that nothing’s good enough, which could lead to an unfulfilling, never-ending hunt for perfection.
So, if you want not only to boost their self-esteem but also to encourage them to keep developing their skills, bite your tongue the next time you spot a mistake. Staying quiet in this case may help your kids much more.
Staying quiet can be your new superpower. When do you plan to use it?
