But after the newness of a new semester wears off, and the reality sets in with papers, presentations, and grades, the motivation to keep getting up for class can wane. If you’re finding that your child is stuck in a rut, there are some things you can do to motivate her. Here are 5 ways to motivate college students and get them back on track to succeed.

1. Talk about purpose.

“I’m switching my major,” I said one night on the phone to my mom. “What are you going to do with an English degree?” she asked, quietly. After all the talking I did in high school about being a journalist, I knew this was a surprise. She encouraged me to visit the career center on campus and eventually, I decided to pursue a degree in secondary English education. I could geek out in all the literature classes I could fit into my schedule and still get a practical degree.

Ask your child what she’s interested in and encourage her to talk to the right people to figure out the path she should take with courses. If she’s passionate about what she’s studying, she’s going to be more motivated to keep up with the work.

2. Encourage new habits.

In college, kids often choose where to sit. I found that when I sat up front, I paid closer attention. Also, I was flanked by highly-motivated kids, and seeing them take notes gave me the hint that I should do the same.

Having good habits from the start will set your child up for success. Encourage him not only to get enough sleep at night but to block off time each day to study. If it’s on the schedule, it’s more likely to get done. Positive momentum from the beginning can motivate college students to keep that routine.

3. Guide them toward their priorities.

My friend Jenny went to a big school with rigorous academic standards. She’d been a top student in high school, but quickly felt subpar and lost her motivation midway through the first year. “I’m in over my head,” she told me on break. But she continued, and when she graduated, she said she was glad she stuck it out.

If your child is struggling to stay motivated because she’s feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork, student loans, or living on her own for the first time, help her figure out her priorities. Jenny needed to scale back from the social scene in college for a bit. Another student might need to schedule study sessions earlier in the day or eliminate extracurriculars. Does your child have too much on her plate? Figure out what she might need to do and help her see that a temporary shift in priorities could get her back on track.

4. Be present.

Once a month, my boyfriend’s parents drove up to campus and took him out to dinner. It gave them a chance to connect face to face and see how their son was doing. I thought it was sweet. His mom probably knew he wasn’t a big phone talker, and it was the only way she could make sure he was OK.

When kids go to college, suddenly there’s so much to worry about from assignments to clean laundry. Feeling overwhelmed can sap motivation. Schedule a check-in with him and help him establish daily or weekly goals. If you’re funding his education, you may need to offer some tough love: “You need to meet these goals, or I’m not going to pay your tuition/phone bill/meal plan.” Just knowing you’re still invested in him might be enough to curtail any bad habits he’s acquired and motivate him to keep trying.

5. Celebrate wins, big and small.

McKenna, a dance team member who lived on my floor freshman year, had failed two courses and was put on probation the second semester. That’s when I met her mom. McKenna had pulled up her grades and her mom had bought tickets to the ballet to celebrate. Her mom knew how to motivate her college student!

To boost your child’s confidence, celebrate the little wins along the way—making it to every class, going to office hours, maintaining strong learning habits, and prioritizing academic successes. If you want to incorporate rewards to motivate her, set up a clear system that will earn her gas money, a shopping trip with you over break, or anything else that will help light the fire.

To boost your child's confidence, celebrate the little wins along the way—making it to every class, going to office hours, maintaining strong learning habits, and prioritizing academic successes.
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What have you tried to motivate college students in your family?

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That day was 10 years ago. I wish I had known then what I know now. It would have given me comfort and reassurance that she wasn’t moving as far away from my heart as it felt. Whether your baby is phasing out of a car seat, going to sleepaway camp for the first time, or packing up for college, you don’t have to be sad. Your relationship changes with every step, but it can actually get better. Just remember these 4 things when your baby’s not a baby anymore.

1. They will still need you.

“Mom. How do I make your chili?”

“The DMV said they need proof of address. What is that?”

“My baby has a rash. What should I put on it?”

The requests for advice have never stopped. Some of the advice she takes and some she doesn’t. Mostly, she wants my approval and reassurance, so I try to infuse most conversations with words that remind her that I believe in her. Knowing that gives her confidence.

2. Your relationship will deepen.

As our children mature, their emotions mature and stabilize. They have a greater capacity to relate to you and they understand themselves better. As they start to make more responsible decisions for themselves, both of you can be more open because your main role is no longer disciplinarian. As sad as it is when your baby’s not a baby anymore, it’s a chance to grow in mutual respect, shared interests, and heartfelt conversations.

3. They will remember what you’ve taught them.

Your influence on your kids runs deep. They’ve adopted your core values even when it seems they have resisted them. They may stumble a little the first couple of years as they try out their new independence, but they will land on the foundation you’ve helped them create. I’ve watched my daughter become a wonderful mother to her own children. I see my influence in the way she relates to them. I’ve also seen our family values lived out in her job and in her marriage.

4. They will grow from their mistakes.

Mistakes might leave bumps and bruises, but they can be some of the best teachers. Some of our greatest growth follows our own blunders, so don’t be afraid to stand back and let your kids fail. You will see them rise up using the tools you’ve given them. A master craftsman gains his skill in practice. Our children need to practice what we’ve taught them through use.  They will grow and it will astound you. In many ways, they will surpass you.

Change is hard and letting go isn’t easy, but the best years with your kids are in front of you. What part of your kids growing up are you looking forward to most?

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The distance is a hard adjustment. And even if kids attend a local college, there’s usually a growing independence because the kids just aren’t home as much.

Amid the changes, it’s important to find ways to stay connected with our college kids. Many families set up a phone call at a certain time and day each week.  And snail mail or emails from home are always fun to get.

As you and your child adjust to the changes that college brings, here are 7 ways to connect with your college kids.

1. When you go for a visit, make dinner for your child and his friends.

For the last three years, another friend and I have packed a homemade dinner and driven it to the scholarship houses where our boys live. We actually serve two houses of about 35 students. This has become a treasured tradition for us, for our sons, and for their housemates.  An easy alternative: treat your child and his close friends to lunch before a big game or dinner at a local pizza place.

2. Mail something special.

This is a neat trick I learned from a veteran college mom. She simply puts a mailing label and stamps right on a box of theater candy and mails it. It doesn’t get any easier! Hint: Use this around Valentine’s Day or Easter to send some of your college kids’ favorite holiday treats.

3. Open your home for the weekend.

What a great way not only to stay connected with your own college kid but also his friends. Open your home for a weekend visit or spring break and host several of your child’s friends. Most college kids would love to have a weekend of family games, exploring another city, home-cooked meals, and warm hospitality.

4. Take their phone call even when it’s inconvenient.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been headed to bed late after a long day when one of my college kids calls. “Can you talk, Mom?” The answer is always yes. No matter how tired I am or whether I’m in the middle of grocery shopping, I make it a top priority to be available when they call and, as much as I’m able, to let them end the call.

5. Use the social media they use.

Parents will find it much easier to connect across the miles by using social media. Some of my kids prefer to text. Others like Snap Chat and Instagram. While these never replace deeper conversations, social media provides a quick and easy way to stay connected.   Hint: set up a private family group to share funny stories, prayer needs, family news, and pictures of the beloved family pet.

6. Amazon is your care package friend.

Despite my best intentions, I’ve not done a great job of getting care packages to my college kids. That’s about to change. Some of my friends shared that they send goodies to their kids through Amazon. Care packages can include anything from gift cards to a themed box of treats.

7. Or make group care packages.

This is a fun way to put together care packages for several college kids at once. Invite other college moms over and have everyone bring multiples of something to contribute to the care packages. Put out a selection of cards and pens so that moms can write encouraging notes to each of the students. What a neat way to get together with other college moms while putting together group care packages that can be sent to each student.

Not every family will do everything on this list. Find what works for you and what feels natural for your family. Respect your college student’s growing independence while also being intentional to span the distance and maintain family relationships.

So weigh in: do you have a special way to stay connected with your college student?

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Parenting an adult problem child who is making choices you disagree with tears a mother’s heart apart. What do you do if your adult child is making a host of poor decisions and wrecking his or her life before your eyes? It’s no longer as simple as imposing a consequence or taking away a privilege to encourage better behavior. The answers lie in the messy place between realism and high ideals. There’s only so much you can do, but you’ve got to try. After all, he’s your child! Use these 5 principles for parenting problem adult children and take it one day at a time.

1. Establish a new set of rules.

Acknowledge that your child is now an adult and that the relationship must be different for that reason. But here’s the kicker: It changes in both directions. Just as you shouldn’t expect to set the agenda for their lives and make decisions for them, they can’t expect you to provide for them, absorb the consequences of their poor planning or decision-making, or shield them from the realities of adulthood. The mantra of parents of adult children should be: you deserve to be treated like an adult, and I deserve a break from parenting a child.

2. Use discretion.

There’s a difference between enabling bad choices and lending a helping hand. For instance, if your young adult child is struggling to find a good job, but is working hard at it every day, providing some financial help to bridge the gap is a loving, encouraging thing to do. But if your adult kid is out of work and not particularly motivated to fix that, or is out of work because he believes that he has the right to do nothing until the perfect job comes along, your help may be just prolonging the agony for everyone.

A little discomfort is a motivator. Let your child do without some things he values until he wants those things enough to work for them. That tiny apartment, the relentless menu of canned soup and Ramen Noodles, the inability to indulge in the luxuries some of his peers enjoy—these things can be a quick motivator.

3. Stick to your core values.

Sometimes adult children make decisions that directly conflict with your family’s values. And while you can’t force them to embrace your beliefs or live in line with them, you can, and should, remind them that straying outside of how they were raised comes at a cost. Whether the issue is substance abuse, relationships and sex, or financial responsibility, doing whatever you want can come with real and lifelong consequences.

You’ll have to use wisdom to know the right time and place to express your concerns, but don’t stay silent. Remind your problem adult child that there are reasons you raised him with the values you did and warn him of the consequences of his actions.

4. Don’t nag.

Preaching to your adult child every time you see him won’t do a thing to strengthen your relationship. In fact, it will probably push him away. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. If you see your child poised to make a terrible financial decision (like purchasing a car you know he can’t afford), say simply and succinctly that you think it’s a poor choice and that you won’t be available to clean it up for him later. Then don’t.

No matter how much it kills you to watch him have to sell the car they love, or lose it to a creditor, keep your hands in your pockets and your mouth shut. Fewer words and more meaningful actions can communicate the message without drowning the relationship in a sea of verbal conflict.

5. Remember your grandchildren.

Many parents of problem adult children say it’s one thing to play the tough love card with your child when it only affects her, but it’s infinitely more complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture. We’d like to tell you there are simple answers here, but there aren’t. It all depends on your child and the circumstances. Pray hard about how you can positively influence the situation without further enabling your child’s bad habits. It might look like offering help that can only benefit the grandchild without entrusting money or resources to your child for her to squander. It might look like intervening to make sure your grandchild has exposure to church or other positive influences to counter some of the negative influences around him. Helping in these situations requires a tender heart and a solid backbone. Pray for wisdom to handle it well.

Are you the parent of a problem adult child? How do you respond?

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According to Drs. Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman, authors of Parenting Your Adult Child, parents need to establish guidelines and share their expectations with their adult children. Campbell and Chapman provide the following guidelines:

Communication

Maintain open communication with your child. You may find it helpful to have a weekly (or monthly) family meeting to discuss any concerns or issues your family members have. Let your child know that you value his opinions, and while you may not follow his wishes, you are listening to his concerns.

Balance

While your older child has a great deal more freedom than his younger siblings, he also needs to be given more responsibility if he is to be a part of the household. Make sure he is contributing to the chores and care of the home, and have him contribute financially too — either by paying bills, paying “rent” or buying groceries.

Values

While your children may not share all of your morals and values, you can certainly expect them to respect and honor your beliefs while they are living in your home. Be straightforward about whether or not you will allow drinking or smoking; share your views on opposite sex visitors; and be clear about all behaviors you will not tolerate.

Health

Campbell and Chapman recommend that parents do what is necessary to maintain their own physical and mental health. For example, if your son’s room is a disaster and it bothers you, keep his door closed rather than stew over it. Or, if you know you will stay up all night worrying until your son comes home, set up a rule that each family member lets the others know if they will be out late. This doesn’t mean that you are setting curfews, requiring details of his every move or checking up on your adult child, but explain you need this courtesy for your own peace of mind.

Limits

Set goals and limits with your child at the beginning of their move-in. For example, you may have an engaged daughter who is only living with you until the wedding date. Or perhaps your son is saving for a down payment on his own house or he just started an entry-level job and needs some help until his first promotion. Whatever the circumstances, set a limit on how long your child will remain in the home. And while the length may be renegotiated, having a goal will help keep your child motivated to move on.

Concluding Thoughts

While you may still have some rough spots in your transitioning relationship with your young adult, having clearly defined guidelines and verbalized expectations will help make the process smoother.

This article is based on the book, “Parenting Your Adult Child,” by Drs. Ross Campbell and Gary Chapman. 

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While it’s true that many adult children return home for just a short period after college while they look for work, others come back for a variety of reasons–and often for longer stays. Divorce, unemployment, a high debt load, or a return to school are just a few of the circumstances under which your kids may decide to “boomerang” back home.

You start out poor…that’s the lesson. Whatever the reason for your kids’ return, you may have mixed emotions about having a full house again. More than likely, you’ll also have questions about how to make the new living arrangement as pleasant as possible–for everyone involved.

The business of family finances

Just trying to relate to and communicate with your kids as adults can be a challenge. Allowing money to become an issue will make things tougher on everyone. Broaching the topic of family finances from the start helps you to avoid resentment, protect your assets, and keep the peace.

Rent and household expenses

While there are many opinions about the best way to structure the household finances when an adult child returns home, it’s crucial for parents to realize they’re not doing their kids any favors by giving them a free ride forever. The goal should be to create an arrangement that both supports your children and encourages them to move on.

Jane Adams, a social psychologist, speaker, and author in Seattle, encourages parents to be clear about the conditions for staying under their roof. She recommends discussing the length of stay, plans for employment, extent of financial support, and expectations for financial or in-kind contribution. Parents should help their kids determine realistic steps they can take during their stay to achieve their goal to save money, move out by a certain date, get a job, pay off debt, and so on.

“The idea is to model what life is like in the real world so that your kids understand what to expect from financial independence and can make the transition successfully,” says Adams. “They need to learn that their first responsibility as an adult is to be able to pay their own way.”

Though that may seem harsh to some, Adams sees many kids who are less than eager to stand on their own two feet if it means a lower standard of living than they grew up with.

Be sure that the cost of your child moving back home doesn’t prevent you from making progress toward your own financial goals.”What’s really going on in many cases is that kids today don’t want to share a place with three roommates, take the bus to work, and, in general, struggle to get on their feet,” she observes. “Kids often don’t realize that their parents may have worked hard for 25 years to achieve the lifestyle they have today. You start out poor … that’s the lesson.”

Adams also observes that too often the kids who complain that they can’t afford to be on their own are the same ones who are driving or wearing their paychecks. She encourages parents to call their kids on spending behavior that is inconsistent with their stated goals.

One specific question that often puzzles parents is whether or not to charge their kids rent. And if you do charge rent, should it be just a token amount or should it be market value for the space?

Adams suggests starting out with a low rent and gradually raising it over time to give kids an incentive to get back out on their own. To avoid any misunderstandings, write up a rental agreement spelling out exactly how much rent will be, when it will be raised, and to how much.

Another approach is to charge market rent–about 30% of take-home pay, or 40% if you include utilities–and put all or part of it away in a savings account that your child eventually can use to get his or her own place.

Of course, whether or not you charge rent is a personal choice and depends on your own financial situation, your child, and the circumstances surrounding the return home. Some kids need the structure of an agreement and the extra prod that a rent payment provides. Others are just as eager to get back out on their own as you are to see them become independent adults again. Only you know your children well enough to know what will serve them best in the long run. Whatever arrangement you come up with, be sure that the cost of your child moving back home doesn’t prevent you from making progress toward your own financial goals, such as saving for retirement. And, Adams advises, make sure both parents are in agreement about the new living arrangement before making any commitments.

Health insurance

If children are uninsured when a medical emergency strikes, you may be faced with an unpleasant choice–let them go without treatment or open your own wallet to pay for the care they need. Of course, parents don’t have any legal obligation to pay their adult children’s medical bills, but many do because they feel a parental responsibility and desire to do so.

Even if children had the money to pay for treatment themselves, a broken leg might be all it would take to deplete whatever savings they were socking away to get their own place.

Students and employees may be able to get medical coverage through school or work. If that’s not an option, and you decide you want your child to have health-care coverage, you’ll need to shop around for an individual policy. Premiums and coverage vary widely, so it pays to spend some time researching your options. You could make purchasing medical insurance a condition of living at home. If your child legitimately can’t afford the cost at this point, you might decide to pay the premiums yourself. Considering the financial risk of being uninsured, your peace of mind may be worth it.

Auto insurance

If your child owns his or her own car, then auto expenses are pretty easy to sort out. Presumably, everyone in the family will be responsible for his or her own insurance, gas, and maintenance, and, if there’s an accident, the deductible and repair costs. But what if your child comes home and expects to use your car? The best advice is to have a discussion about auto insurance before handing over the keys.

“It’s very important that you call your auto insurance company to let them know that your adult child will now be driving the family car,” cautions Pete Moraga, communications specialist for the Insurance Information Network of California. “Not adding your child to your policy puts you at risk of being uncovered if he or she has an accident while driving your vehicle.”

Be clear about the conditions for staying under your roof. Rules and costs for adding an adult child to your policy vary from carrier to carrier. You may decide that your child should pay for the increase in premium. If he balks, just remind him that it’s a lot cheaper than buying his own car and paying the entire premium himself.

Taxes

Just when you thought that your returning children could only cost you money, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) gives you a break for helping them out. Depending on your situation, you could save hundreds of dollars on your next tax return by claiming your child as a dependent or filing as head of household.

According to Cindy Hockenberry, an enrolled agent and an information coordinator for the National Association of Tax Professionals based in Appleton, Wis., parents generally can claim their children, regardless of age, as dependents if they are unmarried, have less than $3,050 in gross income (or are younger than 19, or younger than 24 and a full-time student), and receive more than half of their total support from them. In this scenario, a child still can file an individual tax return, but can’t take the personal exemption. The dependent exemption could save parents in the 15% tax bracket more than $400.

Even if their at-home adult kids don’t qualify as dependents, single parents still may be able to benefit by filing as head of household if they provide more than half the support for a grown child living with them. This isn’t as advantageous as claiming the child as a dependent, but it is more favorable than filing single.

Rent that you charge your children typically is not reported as income on your tax return, and related expenses (such as paint for their room, utilities, and food) are not deductible as rental expenses.

As always, it’s best to consult your tax adviser for the latest tax law updates and for advice relevant to your unique situation.

Call your kids on spending behavior that is inconsistent with their stated goals. Despite the challenges inherent in a late homecoming, some parents welcome the opportunity to help out and spend more time with their children. If you, however, are somewhat less than thrilled about being an active parent later in life, remind yourself that it’s your choice … and it’s temporary. Just to be safe, you may want to start remodeling the kids’ bedrooms sooner rather than later.

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