I thought for a moment and then told her that the dangers of giving our kids room to take risks are possible but not likely. What is guaranteed, though, is that if we don’t give them independence, they’ll grow up unable to deal with life’s problems or to make healthy decisions for themselves. So how do we turn down the volume on thoughts like Hold them close. The world is scary! and crank up the ones that say This is a good thing. Be courageous! Here are 4 things to keep telling yourself.

1. The world is safer than my fear is telling me.

All right, I’m gonna hit you with some facts that will hopefully help you breathe a little easier. According to data from the National Institute of Justice, the risk of a minor getting abducted by a stranger is about one in 720,000, almost the cliché “one in a million.” The number of missing children’s cases fell by 27% from 2015 to 2022. And the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reported the number of pedestrians between the ages of 1 and 12 struck and killed by cars has fallen dramatically over the past two decades.

I told a friend this, and she said, “Stats are lower because we don’t let our kids out of our sights!” OK, but the population has also risen and those numbers still dropped. The point is, if it was safe enough for us to play independently when we were kids, then it’s safe enough for our kids to do it now. Safer even.

You might be thinking, “A low chance is still a chance, and I don’t want my child to be the one in a million who gets hurt.” I hear you, but if you live in a reasonably safe neighborhood, this is the point when you have to ask yourself if you’re thinking worst-case scenario. And if you are, consider if that’s a healthy place to parent from. (Hint: It’s not.) I often have to remind myself that God loves my kids more than I do and then release the fear.

2. My kids need to experience discomfort.

If you give a child independence, there’s a good chance she’ll eventually get hurt. She’ll fall down, get rejected on the playground, get lost while driving home from the football game across town. But this pain or discomfort is a positive consequence because as Jonathan Haidt explains in The Anxious Generation, kids are “antifragile.” That means they not only can get knocked down (resilience), they need to get knocked down occasionally to become stronger.

Here’s a good visual to explain why. In the late 1980s, an experiment to create an artificial ecosystem was a failure partly due to a tree problem. The trees grew, but they fell over before reaching maturity because the designer didn’t realize saplings need wind to grow properly. Wind bends the tree which strengthens its roots. It also changes the cell structure of the wood which helps the tree withstand stronger winds as it ages. Your child needs to experience his own winds to transform into a stronger version of himself.

3. I’m making an investment in their mental health.

Maybe you’ve read here on iMOM how giving a child independence can lead to confidence. As a mom, you’ll get to see all of that confidence in action. Your daughter will tell you how she defended a kid being teased on the playground. When the grocery cashier asks your son how he’s doing, you’ll notice he makes eye contact and responds politely.

But something else is happening under the surface that’s just as important. As Haidt says, that confidence they gain is “inoculating them to anxiety.” They approach the world in “discover mode” instead of from a place of fear and uncertainty. When we overprotect, our kids are unable to evaluate and handle risks. If they can’t determine what’s a threat, they feel threatened by everything, which means anxiety levels can skyrocket.

4. If I feel the need to protect, I still can.

But these are our babies, and what kind of moms would we be if we didn’t protect them? Our children do need us to protect them fiercely, just not as they play with neighborhood kids in the cul-de-sac. It’s time to direct our energy toward the virtual world.

Haidt points out that many parents won’t let their children out of their sights for fear of sexual predators, “but sex criminals nowadays spend most of their time in the virtual world because the internet makes it so much easier…” I can see my actions as a mother reflected in his declaration that “we are overprotecting our children in the real world while underprotecting them online.” I don’t fear the web as much as I do the bathroom at Walmart, but I realize I have it backward. So if we’re going to overprotect, overprotect around screens. Wait to introduce them to the virtual world and push them to play in the real world instead.

What kind of pep talk do you give yourself when you feel afraid to give your child independence?

The post I Want to Give My Child More Independence, but It Terrifies Me appeared first on iMOM.

While it’s not a universal truth, moms tend to focus on emotional connection and nurturing, which depend on safe and secure environments. Dads often bring an element of playfulness, independence, and exploration to parenting. Our different approaches can make it feel like a tug of war, but kids thrive with both. Take a look at these 5 things dads do differently and why it’s not really a battle of moms vs dads.

1. The Rowdy Roughhousing

Dads often corner the market in horseplay. You won’t see many moms tossing kids up in the air or trying out headlocks on her kids. And, after pulling off a relaxing bedtime routine, it definitely won’t be us instigating a tickle fight instead of a tuck-in.

Well, guess what! Research shows roughhousing with Dad actually helps your child regulate her responses and emotions. “You might have to control your strength, learn when things have gone too far—or maybe your father steps on your toe by accident and you feel cross!” explains Dr. Paul Ramchandani. “It’s a safe environment in which children can practice how to respond. If they react the wrong way, they might get told off, but it’s not the end of the world—and next time, they might remember to behave differently.”

What’s a mom to do? Try to say “be careful” less often. Instead, listen to the joyful squeals as your child races around the house to avoid the “tickle monster,” and remember your husband loves your child just as much as you do.

2. The Parkour Parties

OK. These aren’t really parties. It’s just normal life, like walking up the stairs or crossing the street. Why can’t we just hold our child’s hand and act casual? Instead, a dad will grab a kid’s hand and leap sideways from one crosswalk line to the next, yelling, “Parkour!” My husband loved trying out the “Elf” splits with our girls on escalators. So, Mom, I get it!

While it might feel like moms vs dads, it’s really just a different way they move from Point A to Point B. All of those leaps and bounds actually help your child’s gross motor skills grow by, well, leaps and bounds. Your child develops body awareness and spatial reasoning and builds muscle strength.

What’s a mom to do? If parkour isn’t your kind of party, try some of these movement activities to do with little kids instead.

3. The “Let’s See What Happens” Experiments

My dad poured gasoline down the driveway and lit it on fire to teach us how flammable gasoline is. My mom was not amused. However, as teenagers, my sister and I never forgot why we needed to pay attention when pumping gas. While I definitely don’t advocate replicating my dad’s demonstration, hands-on experiments strengthen neural pathways and support memorization and retention. Plus, research published in the Applied Physical Science Journal shows students learn more when taught through hands-on activities.

What’s a mom to do? Get your hands dirty, too, with these explosive science experiments presented in a more organized way that your kid will love—and none of them involve setting anything on fire!

4. The Kid vs Kid Competitions

Forget about moms vs dads. Let’s talk about how dads can turn anything and everything into a competition with kids. Let’s see who can run to the swings first. Who can make the most free throws in a row? Who can balance the most books on their head? Let’s see who can build a LEGO car from scratch the fastest! Competition can be a great thing for kids. Even healthy sibling competition can encourage teamwork, sportsmanship, and self-improvement.

What’s a mom to do? Talk with your husband and get on the same page about the differences between healthy competition and creating competition that encourages sibling rivalry. The latter can lead to jealousy, resentment, and aggression toward one another.

5. The Sugar Rush Hour

“You get some sugar! And you get some sugar!” Moms might be the ones traditionally baking the cookies, but some days, it seems like dads are out there doling out the candy, soft drinks, and gummy snacks as if it’s someone’s birthday. But, in reality, it’s just an average Sunday afternoon. Why can’t they add in some fruit or protein?

What’s a mom to do? Why don’t you make these cool snacks your kids will love eating (almost) as much as those special treats? After all, some moms vs dads battles might be best fought by agreeing to disagree—and passing the veggies.

Which of these moms vs dads parenting scenarios do you battle?

The post 5 Things Dads Do That Kids Love but Moms Secretly Hate appeared first on iMOM.

On top of being annoyed that Aubrey was upset with her, Grace was ticked that she was the only parent who seemed to be bothered by the idea. Have you ever felt like the only mom who says no? It can bring thoughts and feelings that make it difficult to stick to your guns. Here are 5 of those feelings you’re probably wrestling with and how to respond to them.

1. You feel torn.

Being the mom who says no might make you wonder if you’re being overprotective. “Should I just get him a phone?” my friend Cara asked me about her 12-year-old son. He felt left out of his friend group because everyone else chatted after school. But she didn’t think he was ready. The other parents think their boys could handle the responsibility.

If this is how you feel… remember to think long-term. What would be best for Cara’s son now might be to have a phone so he can connect with his buddies, but in the long term, she didn’t think starting him with a phone at age 12 was in his best interest.

2. You feel lonely.

Another friend’s daughter got invited to a co-ed after-prom slumber party. My friend gave it a hard no. Because she said no, she also didn’t get invited to the gathering of moms who were planning the party. It’s hard to be the parent not doing the popular thing. It’s emotionally (and sometimes physically) lonely not to have the support and solidarity of a mom friend.

If this is how you feel… look in the mirror and repeat to yourself some of the wisdom you’ve surely shared with your kids about popularity and being an independent thinker. Here’s a good one: “What’s right isn’t always popular, and what’s popular isn’t always right.”

3. You feel scared.

My son is 13 and doesn’t have a phone yet. He won’t be allowed on social media when he does eventually get one. I dread the battle that may ensue and fear that he’ll pull away or hide things from me because I’m the “mean mom.”

If this is how you feel… remember kids thrive on rules enforced with love and reason. They might pull away a little, but they won’t go far if they know you love them. And don’t discount the possibility your child wants you to say no so she has an excuse not to do something that makes her feel uneasy, like that post-dance sleepover.

4. You feel angry.

Closely related to the lonely feeling you might have as the mom who says no is the anger or frustration that builds. When other people don’t care about the same things you care about, it makes this parenting thing harder for you. When my sister said no to my niece going to a rated-R movie when she was 12, she said to me, “It really irks me that the other moms are OK with this. C’mon!”

If this is how you feel… remember that different families have different rules and ways they’re raising their kids. You can only control your actions. And don’t be afraid to speak up to the group about why you’re saying no. You might give another mom the courage to put her foot down, too.

5. You feel overwhelmed and tired.

Being a good mom isn’t easy. That’s just the plain ol’ truth. Saying no when others are saying yes is tiring, and your child might come back at you with intense emotions that leave you feeling like you should just give up and give in. And to make it more overwhelming, you know that sometimes it’s OK to bend the rules. All of these decisions are a lot to handle.

If you feel this way… don’t be afraid to tell your child you need time to think. Being flexible with a rule can be a good opportunity to discuss the reasons behind your yeses and nos. With the right intentions, you could go from the mom who says no to the mom who listens to her child and has open discussions about why you make the parenting decisions you do.

What feeling do you wrestle with when you feel like the only parent in the group saying no?

The post 5 Things You Feel When You’re the Only Mom Saying No appeared first on iMOM.

On an average day, our kids throw a lot our way. And while love might be the battlefield worthy of a rock song, motherhood is a battlefield we gear up for 24/7. Stay cool, calm, and collected in the trenches by practicing these 6 calm parenting tactics.

1. Be in the moment.

We got a lot going on as moms. Most of us are almost always thinking several steps ahead. Even before your child wakes up in the morning, you’ve probably already gone through an order of the day mentally, folded a load of laundry, and made breakfast. However, a research paper published in Media Psychology suggests multitasking makes it more difficult to focus and regulate your emotions. So, no wonder moms struggle with calm parenting sometimes. We’re trying to do too much!

Try it: Put down your phone, minimize distractions, and get down to eye level with your child. Focus solely on her and the moment you’re sharing together, whether it’s asking your child to put on her shoes or inquiring about a snack.

2. Establish routines and rituals.

It’s true in football and parenting. The best defense is a good offense, and that’s where routines and rituals come into play. Routines help children feel safe and secure. They give an order to the day so a child knows what comes next (and what is expected of him). Rituals are those intentional heart-connection moments your family does in your routines. It’s that butterfly kiss at bedtime or signing “I love you” when your child hops out of the car for school. Used together, routines and rituals limit meltdowns and increase bonds, which helps you avoid situations where calm parenting is tested.

Try it: Create a wake-up routine for school by quietly playing your child’s favorite song in the morning.

3. Practice empathy.

Your child isn’t an empathy expert, but he’s learning by watching you. So, when your child starts to go off the deep end emotionally, seek to understand (and address) the why rather than seek to win the battle. This shift in focus can help you take the calm parenting approach.

Try it: If your child pushes back when it’s time to stop playing a video game, say: “I hear you. I know it’s disappointing to stop your game, especially when you’re in the middle of something. Let’s find a good stopping point together.”

4. Create clear boundaries and rules for behavior. 

Kids thrive when they understand the rules (and the consequences of breaking one). Plus, setting clear behavior expectations helps your child develop important life skills, such as self-discipline, accountability, and respect for others. Those clear boundaries provide consistency in your parenting, too. So, rather than dishing out punishment in a heated moment, you’ve already predetermined what to do.

Try it: Before a playdate, remind your child of your house rules. Then, if you find yourself and your child at a standoff, be clear about your child’s choices by saying something like this: “Remember, In our home, we share our toys. If you choose not to share with your friend, then your new truck will be put away for two days.

5. Model calm behavior.

On an extra turbulent flight, I always look to the flight attendants. If they look and act calm, then I can relax, too. Your child feeds off of you in much the same way. In her book The Gentle Parent, author L.R. Knost writes, “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” Mom, sometimes that means we may need to take deep breaths and count to 10 (or 110).

Try it: When your child yells at you in frustration or anger, instead of matching her volume, lower your voice to a whisper. It’s like water to her fire. And, yes, this is easier said than done.

6. Take a break when you need one.

Our kids might not come with instruction manuals, but they seem to carry around one for us. How else would they be able to push our buttons like a boss? So while calm parenting might be your ideal approach to motherhood, most of us simply can’t be chill all the time. That’s why houses come with bathrooms, so we can hide in there and get ourselves together.

Try it: When a situation gives way to rising temperatures and voices, be OK with stepping away into another room. This will give you and your child both time and space to cool off.

How do you practice calm parenting?

The post 6 Ways to Bring More Calm to Your Parenting appeared first on iMOM.

I tried to loosen up one day last year. One. We had a “yes day,” and I learned that saying yes isn’t as scary or risky as I make it out to be. I’ve decided I’m going to try to be a “yes mom” this summer and say yes more often than no. Who’s with me? C’mon. Make this your first yes! With these 5 pledges, we’ll get through it together.

1. To be a yes mom, I pledge to focus on what we have to gain.

On our yes day, one of my boys said, “Can I eat my Eggo frozen?” Most days, I would’ve said no because frozen waffles are gross. Not that day! Now, he eats a frozen waffle once a week for breakfast, and you know what? It saves me the trouble of pulling out the toaster.

Being a yes mom could make this your kids’ best summer ever, and not because they get to eat weird foods. They’ll gain a spirit of adventure and inquisitiveness, knowing you’ll probably give a thumbs up.

2. I pledge to ask why when I want to say no.

Why am I tempted to say no? Is there some legitimate concern, like the thing my kids asked to do is unsafe? (Yes, they’ve asked to get on the roof.) Or is it because “no” is just… easier?

Listen. I get it. We are all tired. We shouldn’t feel mom guilt for turning down a request to make brownies or drive our kids to the movies. But if no is our default because we don’t have the energy or desire to engage, that’s a sign we need to make some changes.

3. I pledge to wisely utilize “but.”

If being a yes mom all summer sounds impossible, remember you’ve always got “but.” It could make giving the green light less intimidating for you.

If your kids ask to stay up and watch a movie and it’s already after 10, instead of a hard no, you could try, “Yes, but we’re still going to church in the morning.” Sometimes, adding that stipulation is enough to make your kids consider whether the ask is worth it and could help them grow in responsibility.

4. I pledge to be more thoughtful.

The other night, my sons asked if they could take a lap around the neighborhood on their bikes. A bike ride wasn’t part of the series of events I’d laid out in my mind for the evening, so I said no. Then I paused and said, “Actually. Sure. You can take a lap, but then you need to take your showers.”

Sometimes, I think my kids need to see a mom who’s 100 percent confident in her every decision. Otherwise, they’ll smell my weakness, and I’ll lose all credibility. But what my kids need more is to notice me being intentional with the choices I make. When our kids see that our responses are thought out, they’ll be more likely to appreciate the yeses and abide by the nos.

5. I pledge to try to see things through their eyes.

Did your kids put on their suits and ask to play in the sprinkler just moments after you opened a water bill that made your eyes pop out of your head? Take a deep breath, remember that leaping through hose water is one of life’s simple pleasures, and give them 15 minutes to play.

In a survey on parenting in America by Pew Research, about four in 10 parents (41%) say being a parent is tiring, and 29% say it is stressful all or most of the time. The stress level most of us carry doesn’t help us be fun-loving, go-with-the-flow moms. So when my kids ask for something, I am going to try to set my stress aside and imagine how they see the situation as kids who (Thank God!) don’t have the same cares as me.

What’s one thing that holds you back from being a yes mom? Which of these pledges could help with that?

The post Could You Be a Yes Mom This Summer? appeared first on iMOM.

Then she asked if I’d email the administration.

Oh boy. I felt for her. I wanted to help. But was it my place? Do moms look out for other kids, or do we mind our own business? What if you hear about a kid misbehaving? When you hear about another kid’s drama, ask yourself these 3 questions before you get involved.

1. Is a child at risk?

This was the deciding factor for me. I emailed a very matter-of-fact message to the teacher because the issue had been going on for a while, and according to the mom, it was continuing to escalate. My son said it had gotten physical. Now, the kids involved are at risk emotionally, physically, and academically because they could get suspended or expelled.

There are times to keep your nose out of someone’s business and times it’s right to step in. In my gut, I felt like it was right to speak up. Moms need to know that other parents will defend and advocate for their kids. We’re not meant to parent from fenced-in silos. We need to join with other parents to pour into the lives of each other’s kids and look out for them.

2. Do you have a bias?

My friend Kara’s daughter had a run-in with another player on her volleyball team, and the issue made it all the way to the assistant principal. When Kara’s daughter told her the mean player was at it again, but with another girl, Kara got fired up and went to shoot off an email. She wrote the entire thing but then deleted it after realizing she was still upset about what happened with her girl and that it wasn’t right for her to get involved.

Before you step in, if the drama is with a kid your child has had an issue with, ask yourself if you might have an ulterior motive for getting involved. On the other hand, if the kid drama involves the child of a friend of yours, you really need to consider whether you can be fair with your observations and what you say.

3. Will your involvement help or just stir the pot?

Survey the situation before you report something to a teacher or tattle on a kid to his parents. Do the adults in the child’s life already know something’s going on? Is the detail you have to share gossip or hearsay? Has another adult already stepped in, and your details are just going to pile onto the situation?

If you find out another mom’s child is up to no good, ask yourself what you’d want done for yourself and your child in this situation. Would it feel like help or meddling? Do you feel like your heart and intentions are directed at what’s best for the child? These questions require some time to carefully discern, and you might even find that waiting to step in gives you the clarity you need.

When do you think it’s right to get involved in kid drama or problems?

The post How Involved Should You Get in Another Kid’s Drama? appeared first on iMOM.

Our world is so fast-paced that it’s easy to bypass good manners—manners we really do think are important to teach our kids—for the sake of efficiency. Here are 5 examples of good manners that are worth being intentional about, even in the midst of a busy day.

1. Listening With Your Full Attention

In today’s world, it’s not uncommon or even considered rude for us to sit at lunch together with our phones out, looking at them while continuing live conversations. And for moms, it comes from a good place—we often want to be available in case something urgent comes up with our kids. Yet our attention, eye contact, and even our minds, are not fully devoted to the person we’re talking to. Listening with your full attention is worth slowing down to model. It makes others feel valued and heard, and we definitely want our kids to practice it when we’re the ones talking.

2. Introducing Yourself and Others

I’m honestly terrible at this one. When I’m around someone I don’t know, like a fellow parent I’m meeting for the first time at a school function, I’m either distracted by my own agenda or feeling shy and uncomfortable. Frankly, sometimes it seems easier to avoid an introduction. But according to Indeed.com, introducing yourself in person is an extremely valuable action, especially in an increasingly virtual world. It can “allow you to create connections and establish trust with others.” In addition to trust, stopping to make an introduction will show kids how to be friendly, brave, and considerate.

3. Driving With Kindness and Patience

Oh boy. This one is really tough when we’re in a hurry, and it seems like I’m almost always in a hurry. But now I have two teenage drivers and a third one who is getting close to driving age, so they are watching my every turn. Why we tend to lose all manners when we drive, I have no idea. But I do know that it is possible to show kindness and patience while driving if we keep it in the forefront of our minds. What does that look like for you? For me, letting people merge, not sharing frustrations out loud while driving, and generally slowing down to “get there when we get there” helps me maintain my cool and be a good example.

4. Arriving on Time

No doubt, things will delay us (especially when kids are involved), but are we still trying to arrive on time, or are we just giving up? Being on time is a valuable part of demonstrating good manners. It shows others that we respect them and their time, and it helps build trust in the relationship. If you’re going to be late, let the other person know. Do this with your kids, too, and you’ll find that they’ll reciprocate it when you’re the one waiting on them to pull in the driveway at curfew.

5. Following Through With Your Yeses

I have a friend who cancels our plans at least 80 percent of the time. Yes, she’s busy. But I’m busy, too, and honestly, it feels like I’m not very important in her life. Have you ever experienced this situation? Be choosey about the times you cancel. Make it your goal to be a person people can count on, and your kids will be more likely to do the same.

How do you show examples of good manners in the midst of a busy life?

The post 5 Examples You Should Set for Your Kids appeared first on iMOM.

There are a lot of things we do to help our kids. We give homework hints or wake them up three times after their alarms have gone off, but how can we tell when we’re making things worse instead of better? Here’s what you need to know about helping vs enabling and how to support kids in a way that empowers them to grow.

Helping vs Enabling: What’s the difference?

Is your intervention leading your child to grow and ultimately become stronger? Then you’re probably helping. If you’re stepping in and allowing a problematic behavior to continue, you’ve tiptoed into enabling. Helping is recording your anxious kid as he practices his chorus solo and then giving encouragement and pointers. Enabling is telling him he can skip the performance if he’s too nervous or doesn’t feel prepared.

Sometimes the line between helping and enabling isn’t definitive. Does laying in bed with your 10-year-old ’til she falls asleep give her a sense of peace and help her sleep well? Sure. But does it also serve as a replacement for her ability to self-soothe? Probably. This is where your judgment comes in. Is your child safe, healthy and loved? Then you can probably let her sleep on her own.

What are some signs of enabling?

In Boundaries With Kids, authors Cloud and Townsend clearly captured the need to transfer responsibility from parent to child when they wrote, “What begins as the parent’s burden must end up as the child’s.” Bit by bit, we have to let go and let our children take over their lives. When we fail to do this, we see some of these signs of enabling:

• Your child does worse or behaves worse after you’ve stepped in.
• You feel manipulated.
• You lie for your child.
• You speak for your child.
• You do things for your child she is capable of.
• You notice your child isn’t taking action. You’re doing the work.
• You protect your child from uncomfortable situations.

How do you enable your child less?

Tell yourself to “start with the end in mind.” Realize that the goal for kids is autonomy, or having control over themselves and the choices they make.

Let go of the need for quick results. Enabling is a band aid, and some problems our kids face require a greater investment of our energy. It takes time to overcome fears, build good habits, and break bad ones.

Remember you’re not going to get it right 100% of the time. You might’ve had a tough day, and the enabling response is the only one that will keep you from a total breakdown. It’s OK. Give yourself grace.

Look for opportunities for your child to take small steps. If your 7-year-old has a meltdown when you try to leave him with a babysitter, try shorter outings where he stays with a trusted adult.

Talk about and model responsibility—what you’re responsible for and what your kids are responsible for. Cloud and Townsend say, “Children will take every opportunity they can to shirk their responsibilities until we make taking ownership an expected lifestyle. Your job is to become a person who structures [her] life around responsibility and reality.”

If you have a child with physical, emotional, or learning challenges, it’s especially tempting to enable. My friend whose son has dyslexia has to pinch her lips to keep from reading his lessons for him. It’s so hard to watch kids struggle. So ask your doctor what your child is capable of doing on his own and what kind of help you should be giving.

What does helping vs enabling look like to you?

The post Am I Helping or Enabling My Child? appeared first on iMOM.

Most of us probably say “good job” to our kids automatically. However, by being specific with our praise, we can favorably steer our kids’ development and our relationship with them. When we use positive words for kids to praise the process or highlight positive character traits, here are 5 things that happen.

1. We encourage resilience.

Do you remember sitting with outstretched arms toward your toddler as she learned to walk? You probably shouted “you can do it” 7,563 times during that phase. From the beginning, you’ve been helping your child know that when she falls down, she doesn’t need to stay down. She can get herself back up and try again. Use these words to encourage her to keep trying or to celebrate getting through a trial: 

• Remind her she’s already resilient: “You’re resilient. You can overcome this challenge. Remember when you….” 
• Praise the process of not giving up: “Look what you did! By not giving up, you showed yourself that you can do hard things.”
• Emphasize that failure is part of learning: “It’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. FAIL stands for first attempt in learning.”

2. We support healthy self-esteem.

Kids with healthy self-esteem feel confident, competent, and loved for who they are. Positive, affirming language—expressing love, belief in your child’s capabilities, and recognizing his individuality—bolsters your child’s self-worth. Your words become his inner voice. (And we all need a kind inner voice.) Consider using some of these positive words for kids:

• Remind him of your unconditional love: “No matter what, I love you just the way you are.”
• Reinforce his abilities: “You’re capable. I believe in you.”
• Celebrate his uniqueness: “You’re becoming quite the expert at [interest/hobby].”

3. We spur a growth mindset.

We never stop learning. As a mom, you get it. You’re constantly stretching whenever your child reaches a new developmental phase, picks up a new sport, or starts a new grade. Research shows praising your child’s efforts and the learning process instills a growth mindset in her, too. Think about this:

• Praise the effort, not the outcome: “You studied hard for that test. I’m proud of your focus.”
• Encourage improvement: “Congratulations! That was a great first game. You’ll get even better as you keep practicing.”
• Reinforce her ability to find solutions: “You’re a problem-solver even when you don’t immediately know the answer.”

4. We strengthen our bond.

Each time you actively listen and respond with empathy to your child’s thoughts and feelings, you show him that he’s valued, loved, and understood. Your responsive communication encourages a healthy attachment with you and helps your child feel secure in your relationship. Try a few of these other positive words for kids to strengthen your bond further, or grab this download: 

• Find different ways to say I love you: “I smiled today just thinking about you.” 
• Let your child know his presence is enough: “You make my life better by being in it.”
• Point out something specific you appreciate: “Your laughter is the best sound in the world.”

5. We foster healthy communication.

“How was school today” should be called the “question heard ‘round the world.” After all, thousands of moms ask it daily. And the response from kids is mainly along the lines of “fine.” Our kids’ automatic response is the equivalent of our mechanical “good job” response to them. Yet, we keep asking because we care. The questions you ask and your words to your child create a safe space for her to talk to you about the things that matter to her. Try adding a few of these to the mix:

• Teach your child that asking for help is a sign of strength: “I believe in your ability to handle this, and it’s also OK to ask for help.”
• Assure her of your support: “I’m here for you, no matter what.” 
• Encourage her to share her thoughts: “Your ideas and opinions matter to me.” 

What question gets your child talking after school?

The post Why Our Kids Need to Hear More Than “Good Job” appeared first on iMOM.

The lunchbox note is a powerful thing. You have your kids’ undivided attention for the six seconds it takes them to read what you’ve written. So what’s a mom to say? I think there are 9 types of lunchbox notes that match different parenting styles. Which one sounds like the one you’d write?

1. The “Here’s My Chance to Remind You” Note

If you find yourself writing “Don’t forget to bring home your jacket!” on a lunchbox note, you’re the mom who faces the challenge of managing her little people head-on. You also know the occasional reminder works wonders. Never lose hope. Today might finally be the day he remembers his jacket, his lunchbox, and his notebook…

2. The Apology Note

“Can we put this morning’s fight behind us?” If you’ve ever included an apology or waved a white flag via a lunchbox note, give yourself a hug. You’re setting a great example for your kids that no grudge is worth holding when you love someone.

3. The “Make ‘Em Laugh” Note

“What’s brown and sticky?” The mom who slides jokes or riddles into her kids’ lunches knows that a good chuckle might be all they need to make it ’til the bell rings. Never give up on making your kids smile. Our kids need to see our silly sides. It’s a stick, by the way.

4. The Frazzled Note

“Ask your teacher for another copy of the permission slip! And tell her I’m sorry!” This mom might have to use a lunchbox note written on a napkin to get the job done, but she gets it done! This category also includes the mom who’s sent a grocery list with her kid and took the lunchbox note to the store.

5. The Plans Note

“4 p.m. practice, 6 p.m. dinner (burgers). Want to go for a walk at 7?” If you’ve ever put a schedule in a lunchbox note, you probably love a solid plan. Your parenting style is predictable and reliable, and that makes your kids feel safe.

6. The “Focus on Food” Note

“Eat your apple first!” The mom who uses a lunchbox note to talk to her kids about lunch is practical. She reminds her kids to focus on what’s in front of them and not worry about what’s to come. Carpe diem, kids! And carpe your apple because Mom’s tired of spending money on food that’s not getting eaten.

7. The Encouragement Note

“You’ve got this, kiddo! Show that math test who’s boss!” This is one of my favorite types of lunchbox notes. If you could include a little pom pom in your child’s lunchbox you probably would. Kids need to know someone believes in them, so keep cheering.

8. The Artsy Note

For an entire school year, I didn’t send a written note. Instead, I drew stick figure pictures on my kids’ brown snack bags. In hindsight, I think I may have been going through something… Anyway… The mom who chooses drawings over writing leaves her message open to interpretation. She has a go-with-the-flow type of parenting style. She lets her kids express their emotions, and she probably gives warm hugs.

9. The K.I.S.S. Note

If your typical note just says “i love u” or “muah!” you like to Keep It Simple, Sweetie. You have no agenda except love and affection. Or you’re just exhausted and have no words left. The good news is, a mom’s message of love is usually exactly what her kids need to hear.

Then there’s the non-existent note.

Many days, I think, “I should’ve written a note today. It would’ve taken 10 seconds.” Then I feel crummy. If this sounds familiar, and you beat yourself up for not being a “better mom,” stop right there.

You probably hugged your kids, fed them breakfast, checked to see that they were wearing mostly clean clothes, and made sure they got to school on time. You showed more love than you can fit on a piece of paper, so this self-criticism—cut it out. But also, literally cut it out. Our pre-written printable lunchbox notes are free. We have some for tweens and teens, boys, girls, holidays, end of the year, and even husbands!

What’s your typical lunchbox note message, and does it fit your parenting style?

The post Which Lunchbox Note Fits Your Parenting Style? appeared first on iMOM.