Fear not. This (probably) isn’t personal; it’s puberty. Their hormones—mainly testosterone—are on a wild roller coaster ride, and our boys are just holding on. But despite their newly found gruffness, they need their moms. So here’s what you need to know about how to survive your son’s mood swings and help him through them.

Boys’ Mood Swings vs Girls’

If you can recall wading through the hormonal swamp, you probably remember crying or laughing more loudly and more often than you did pre-puberty. That’s because girls tend to put their emotions out into the world during puberty. There’s a slight difference in boys. Cara Natterson, pediatrician and author of Decoding Boys, says, “Some get quiet and withdraw. Some become more impulsive or aggressive. Most have some combination of the two with long spells of their baseline sweet normal selves in between.”

Your Son’s Mood Swings Translated

The Grunt: This is the bread and butter of the boyish communication style. It can mean anything from “hello” to “leave me alone, I’m building a Death Star out of LEGOs.” The key is context. Is he slumped on the couch with headphones on? Grunt probably means “leave me alone.” Is he setting the table with a gruff noise? It might be a gruff “thank you.”

The Sigh: This is a close cousin of the grunt but with a touch more drama. It can express anything from mild annoyance to existential dread. The best response? A raised eyebrow and a gentle, “Everything all right, bud?” Sometimes, just acknowledging the sigh is enough to break the tension.

The Slam: Ah, classic move. It’s the baseline to the soundtrack of teenage angst, often accompanied by a muttered curse word (hopefully not directed at you). Resist the urge to slam back. Instead, take a deep breath and let it go. Chances are, he needs some space to process whatever emotional gremlin has taken hold.

How to Handle Your Son’s Mood Swings

Be a safe space: Let your son know you’re there for him, no matter his mood. He might not always want to talk, but knowing he can come to you without judgment is crucial. Listen to him, even if it’s just grunts and sighs.

Never make fun: If your son cries or throws a tantrum, don’t say things like, “Don’t be a girl,” “Why are you so emotional?” or “Do you have PMS or something?” Natterson says mood swings create a cocktail of feelings—confusion, discomfort, and even shame—and the last thing our boys need is to be told their responses are unnatural or “girly.”

Lean on humor: Sometimes, a well-timed joke is the best way to defuse a tense situation. Does he look like a grumpy cloud is following him around? Crack a joke about it! He might roll his eyes, but chances are, a little laughter can break the ice.

Give him tools: In Decoding Boys, Natterson says, “I’ve never met a kid who enjoys being moody.” As the caring adults in their lives, it’s our job to give kids tools to better handle their mood swings. She suggests these three: Taking a breath or walking away when a mood is surging, planning ahead for what to do when a mood strikes, and apologizing when moodiness gets the best of you.

Our boys can’t avoid mood swings altogether. They’re part of growing up. But we can help them protect their important relationships and keep the swinging from doing more damage than necessary.

The Most Important Thing to Remember

Hopefully some of these explanations made you smile or even chuckle. That was intentional. This time in your son’s life is tough on you, but you have to keep a sense of humor and remember it will pass (usually by age 17). You won’t get back your cute little buddy, but you’ll have a new and special relationship with a young man.

What set off the most recent mood swing in your son? Did you see it coming?

The post A Survival Guide to Your Son’s Mood Swings appeared first on iMOM.

It’s hard to orchestrate an organic “sex talk,” but I was confident that wasn’t it. I knew one talk wasn’t enough, and I started questioning if I was the right person for the job. Rather than continually fumbling, I turned to an expert. Pediatrician Cara Natterson wrote the book Decoding Boys, and here are 5 of my favorite takeaways for how to talk to your son about sex and puberty.

1. Time it with care.

Most importantly, it’s not just one talk. Plan on having lots of talks—big and small. Some boys will ask questions that indicate it’s time to talk, but it’s more likely that you’ll start noticing subtle changes in their bodies (growth spurt, body odor, new hair, and voice changes) or behaviors (withdrawal, mood swings, or going quiet). These changes typically begin between ages 10 and 11 and almost definitely by age 14.

The signs with girls are more obvious, making “the talk” come up more naturally. The miscalculation we can easily make with boys is mistaking their silence for stability. They might not seek the conversation, they might look like they hate it, but they need it just as much as the girls—and just as early.

2. Toss the expectations.

I don’t have brothers, and my husband doesn’t have sisters. I assumed he would talk to our boys about stuff, and I would talk to our daughter. In our house, I’ve done all the talks. That’s OK—and perhaps even good. Some dads are more reserved when talking about sensitive topics, and some dads aren’t in the picture, so there are times the talk falls on mom by default. Even though I’m not a man, and I don’t share the same parts, I’m comfortable tackling these topics—and that makes my kids more “comfortable.”

You know your kids. Proceed accordingly. Proceed often.

3. Testosterone takes over.

According to Natterson, when testosterone levels increase, you will see “new or exaggerated personality traits, particularly ones related to power and dominance … [I]t can create a triangle of anger, impulsivity, and sadness.” Slow down and read that again. I know many moms with boys in this stage who have witnessed the unpredictable tornado that results from this triangle of emotions: anger, impulsivity, sadness, repeat. It’s a great indicator that testosterone is pumping, but you don’t get much warning as your son whips through the different sharp edges of that triangle.

The first thing I witnessed with my son was how quick he was to react—like a total snap from one moment to the next. We referred to him as a shaken can of soda because we never knew his exact pressure point until “the can” opened.

4. Tame the takeover.

Explaining the role of hormones helped my son feel less out of control. Once he knew his body and brain were actually doing what they were supposed to be doing, it made it easier to address the behaviors from a puberty perspective rather than a personality (or what felt like a character flaw) perspective.

Give your boys an outlet for all that new energy: sports, biking the neighborhood, cooking a new meal (to support their new appetite), and getting involved in school activities or clubs. Give them tools: count to 10 before exploding, help them identify their triggers (loud chewing, being interrupted, sisters who sing Taylor Swift all day) as well as how to manage them (inhale for three seconds, hold for five seconds, exhale for seven seconds), and don’t let them get too hungry. And, on that note, give them grace when they eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting.

5. Tackle all the topics.

“The talk” isn’t just talking to your son about about sex. That might open the door, but establish an open door policy after that. Talk about consent, the influence of drugs and alcohol, pornography, and sexting. Make sure your son understands the legal and moral implications of all of those decisions.

This part of the talk is tricky, but don’t approach it from a place of instilling fear and shame. While much of it feels black and white, emotions add all the gray layers. If you want your son to keep talking to you, he needs to know you’re a safe source.

 What do you remember about receiving the talk as a kid, and how do you wish it would’ve gone differently?

The post 5 Tips for Having “The Talk” With Your Son appeared first on iMOM.

A maple syrup tour had been the plan. I never imagined we’d be so fortunate to see a lamb’s birth as well. I want to stockpile good memories like these with my teen son while I can. Heading out to a farm is just one of 21 fun things to do with your teenage son.

1. Surprise him with tickets to a rock concert (or any concert!).

2. Take him to a movie you wouldn’t normally see.

3. Catch a ball game and let him have fun teaching you the rules.

4. Take him out to eat. If you want to be able to talk, make sure there are no TVs!

5. Pick a new activity to try together such as fishing, paddleboarding, indoor rock climbing, or bowling.

6. Rent kayaks or a canoe and spend the day on the water.

7. Plan a hike and picnic in a nearby town. (Getting exercise and fresh air is good for the brain, but don’t mention that. Pitch it as “a day together doing something different.”)

8. Visit a college, and take a self-guided tour of the campus.

9. Hand him the car keys, and let him practice driving.

10. Teach him a new card game, or let him teach you a game he likes.

11. Visit grandparents for an afternoon. Have him bring any awards, graded papers, or photos to show off and share. (The grandparents will love it, and he’ll love the attention.)

12. Find an old-timey arcade. Battle him in air hockey and play Frogger.

13. Go to a LEGO convention or a comic con. Check online to see what’s coming to town.

14. See a play or musical. (It might not be his thing—yet.)

15. Tour an historical estate and learn a little bit about the history of your community.

16. Locate a card shop, and spend time browsing together (baseball, Pokémon, etc.)

17. Spend an afternoon at the mall going to all the stores HE wants to see.

18. Find and sample a different ice cream shop. Or donut shop. Or candy store.

19. Go to a farmer’s market. Let him pick the fruits or veggies he’d like to help cook.

20. Attend a local car show (or other traveling event).

21. Find a game shop or bookstore to browse. Let him lead you to the aisles he wants to see.

For more ideas, check out our Mother Son Bucket List!

What are some more fun things to do with your teenage son that don’t appear on this list?

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My son’s setback came with raw and real feelings. But I didn’t let him work through them in the moment. I’ve been trying to do better since. To raise my kid well, to grow up with a healthy outlook on life and someday be a loving husband and father, I need to teach him more about developing inner strength. There are 5 ways moms can raise sons with strength that comes from the inside.

1. Build your son’s emotional intelligence.

“Mom, I can’t sleep,” my son whispered. I opened my eyes and found him standing over my bed. “What if I can’t finish the test in time? What if I miss recess?” It took me a moment to realize he was worried about the state’s standardized test in the morning.

A good way to build your son’s EQ is by taking his emotions seriously, whenever he expresses himself—even if it’s the middle of the night. “You’re worried,” I replied. “I get that.” Doing so, says author Colleen Kessler, “requires empathetic listening skills and the willingness (and ability) to see things from their perspective.” Listen to your son and respect his feelings whether he’s 3 or 13. Don’t tell him how he should feel or limit his feelings. Rather, allow him to express what he’s feeling and validate it.

2. Make yourself available to your son.

My teen son just got a cell phone and now he texts me on occasion. Sometimes he wants to chat about a grade or how he’s unsure about a social situation. I try to respond quickly, even if I’m in the middle of something.

It’s important to be available to our sons “to help them through their big thoughts whenever they’re ready to talk,” Kessler says. She stresses it’s especially important as boys get older. So, when your son wants to talk about what’s happening in his life, push aside other things. He’ll be encouraged to keep returning to you when he wants to work through something.

3. Put connection before correction.

“He’s always absent. He expects us to teach ourselves,” my son said, frustrated with his teacher. I sat quietly and listened. Sure, I wanted to tell him teachers had meetings and they expected more from high schoolers. But I didn’t want to shut my son down. So, I just listened and nodded empathetically. Being a kid is tough.

Kessler advises us to “connect before we correct.” Even if you don’t agree with what your son is saying, try to listen before offering any advice. To build his inner strength, he has to work through his feelings when things are hard. Stepping in to fix things for him won’t help.

4. Accept all feelings but not all behaviors.

A former student got upset in my class and threw a pencil in my direction. Instead of yelling at him, I kept my voice steady: “I know you’re frustrated, but that pencil came dangerously close to me.” Then I sent the boy to the main office.

We want our sons to be able to express a wide range of emotions, but exploding, lashing out in disrespect, or using his body in way that could hurt others or himself isn’t acceptable. Boys need to learn to regulate their feelings. Kessler says, “When you mentor your sons through their frustration now, they’ll be better equipped to cope with bigger disappointments later on in life when they need to.” And as time passes, their resilience will grow too.

5. Show how you handle big emotions.

Inner strength means being able to handle difficulties whether it’s a low grade, a lost ballgame, or teasing on the playground. Let your son see how you handle problems. Stay calm if someone cuts you off on the road and talk about your feelings: “I didn’t like how that driver changed lanes. It made me feel unsafe.” Doing so shows your son how to process what he’s feeling too.

If you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to apologize. We all lose it now and then, and that’s normal. Our kids will too. As Kessler says, when you model how to react and apologize, you’re giving your child a gift that will build his inner strength and serve him well throughout life.

Have a daughter? Check out these iMOM articles: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter With 5 Truths, Five Ways to Raise an Assertive Girl, and Five Reasons Your Daughter Needs to be Challenged.

How has your son worked to build his inner strength?

The post 5 Ways to Raise Sons With Inner Strength appeared first on iMOM.

Ed and Sharon’s story is beautifully told in a new movie called Ordinary Angels. It’s a true story about a community of people who came together to help a suffering family. No one enjoys suffering, but women tend to be more comfortable with painful emotions than men. As a wife and mother, you can support the guys in your life so they don’t hurt in these 4 unnecessary, unhealthy, and unproductive ways.

1. Silently

Author Brene Brown said in a TED talk that she was approached by a man at a book signing. He said he liked what she had to say about shame and vulnerability but was wondering why she didn’t mention men. After she replied that she didn’t study men, he said, “That’s convenient. You say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable, but do you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? They would rather I die on my white horse than watch me fall down.”

Whether it’s a fear of being perceived as weak or falling short of expectations, there are too many men suffering in silence. And while their pain might not come out in words, it will most definitely come out. Silent suffering can lead to addiction, anger, and depression. As hard as it is to put everything else aside, when guys start to talk, try to listen, ask questions, and hold back criticism.

2. Alone

This doesn’t mean men shouldn’t ever feel lonely. It means they shouldn’t suffer alone. That’s what Ed Schmitt was doing. Too many men are either afraid or too proud to share with others how they are struggling, or even that they are struggling at all. Then there are those who bravely step out and share with other men how they are suffering only to be ignored or, worse, belittled.

Being isolated in suffering never increases someone’s strength; it only makes friendships more superficial and hearts heavier. Even if you’re a good listener, if your husband or sons are suffering, they might need other men to talk to. Pray and search for people willing to walk with them and emotionally share their burdens.

3. Ashamed

Men think they’re supposed to know all and fix all. When they lack knowledge they think they should have or experience moments of weakness, they can experience a lot of shame. My husband doesn’t follow sports, and my son isn’t into them either. Both have separately asked me if I thought they were “lesser” guys because of it. I laughed, but this type of shame is common in men.

Too many guys think there’s a manly way to handle suffering and anything outside of that norm is shameful. Wives and mothers need to allow our guys to process their emotions openly and avoid saying things like, “Be a man and don’t cry,” or “Time to be tough.”

4. Confused

There’s a lot of confusion about what it means to be a man these days. Be tough but also sensitive—but not too sensitive. Share emotions without being overly emotional. Be strong and commanding, but not too commanding. Many men are left confused, and in the end, it’s easier for them simply to choose to suffer alone and in silence. In Ordinary Angels, Ed refused Sharon’s help over and over because it was “his job” to solve his problems.

The last thing suffering men need is the added burden of confusion about the right way to process pain as a man. Men need to be given the freedom to be vulnerable and accept the comfort and help of others. If your husband is going through a hard time, give him permission to be raw. If your sons are in a tough season, encourage them to be authentic and ask for help. It will be a blessing to them.

What are some other ways you’ve seen men suffering unnecessarily?

The post 4 Ways Your Son or Husband Shouldn’t Suffer appeared first on iMOM.

Having only a sister, the dynamic between my friend and her brother was interesting to me. They fought a lot, but I got the impression her opinion still mattered to him. One time she told him he was cool, and he held back a smile. If you have a son and a daughter, remind your daughter her words hold weight, even if the two of them don’t get along. If you want to coach her a little, here are 10 things every brother needs to hear from his sister.

First, what do boys need?

Have you seen our list of things every sister needs to hear from her brother? A boy’s words to his sister can impact how she lets other boys treat and speak to her, but what can a girl’s words do for her brother? They can help him grow in emotional intelligence.

In Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, David Thomas says there’s something behind the sullen, angry attitudes he’s seen in boys in his 25 years of counseling. Partially to blame is their lack of emotional intelligence or “EQ.” A boy with a sister has a leg up, though. If you know a guy who “gets” women, maybe you’ve heard him say, “Oh I understand. I grew up with a sister.”

While it’s not your daughter’s job to grow her brother’s EQ, she can help him better understand himself and others. Here are different brother-sister scenarios and important things sisters can say.

Things Every Brother Needs to Hear From His Sister If They Don’t Get Along

A friend of mine has a son and a younger daughter. She says the girl desperately wants her brother’s approval, attention, and kindness. Instead, he flashes an L on his forehead, and she leaves the room feeling deflated. What could her words possibly matter if he acts like he can’t stand being in the same room as her? A lot.

Part of emotional intelligence is understanding the feelings of others. So, she can say, “That hurt me,” when he acts like a jerk instead of letting him get away with rude behavior.

Saying, “I know you love me even if you don’t act like it,” can help him see that his actions send a powerful message, but she values their relationship.

Things Every Brother Needs to Hear From an Older Sister

Big sisters can be brutal on the egos of little brothers. Guys I’ve spoken to carry some scars from too-cool sisters who treated them like pariahs. Your daughter’s words carry weight, so encourage her to say things like “Want to hang out?” He’ll think it’s the best day ever. Or “Your hair looks good like that!” to boost his confidence. She can even weigh in on his social life and say, “This girl is no good for you,” if she thinks the girl he likes is bad news. And laughing at his joke will make him feel like he can conquer the world.

An older sister can also be a valuable confidant for her brother. Just saying, “Are you OK?” invites him to consider his feelings, which can help grow his emotional intelligence.

Things Every Brother Needs to Hear From a Younger Sister

A little sister will always see her brother as a superhero. Her words can help him build habits that will serve him in the future.

If he defends her in front of other kids, tell her to say, “Thanks for sticking up for me.” If he helps her finish her science project, comments like, “You have good ideas,” can make him feel competent. If she asks him, “Can we talk?” he’ll get great practice at listening to a girl share her heart—a skill that will serve him well.

What do you wish your daughter would say to your son more often?

The post 10 Things Every Brother Needs to Hear From His Sister  appeared first on iMOM.

The teen years are an emotional ride for moms of boys. We mourn the relationship we’ve lost and struggle to find our new role. How do we know if we’re on the right track? If you’re a teen boy’s mom like me, you’re probably doing better than you think. Just look for these 6 signs.

1. You’re in the know.

You know your son’s passions. Whether it’s basketball or musicals, you engage with him about his interests because you know it draws you closer. As a teen boy’s mom, you also know that friends play a bigger role in your son’s life now that he’s older. He spends more time with them after school and on the weekends than he probably does with the family. But if you know his friends’ names and you’ve had them to your house, you’re well-connected to your son’s social life.

2. You’re annoying.

You’re annoying in the best possible way! You make sure he comes downstairs to eat dinner with the family. You encourage him to try new things. And you don’t let him off the hook for his chores and responsibilities around the house. If your son pushes back on your rules, you try to respond in a calm way. You want to make sure he stays on track in all aspects of his life, including the respect department. He may call you annoying here and there, but he probably appreciates you as his mom. If not now, then down the road.

3. You’re having fun too.

This new stage changes your relationship, but you and your son have better, deeper conversations now than when he was little. Maybe you also enjoy watching baseball games or Marvel movies together. You’re trying hard to engage with him, so you have a foot inside his world. When he shares his dreams (or worries) with you late at night, the sleep tugging at his eyes, you’re grateful your boy can open up to you.

4. You’re tired.

Sometimes, I’m not sure what’s worse: the tiredness from keeping him company as he finishes homework or the tiredness from the stress he gives off (be it academic, social, or whatnot). Either way, I’m trying to remind myself these teen years go quickly, and I’ll have plenty of time to catch up on my sleep after he graduates. Do you wait up on a Saturday night until he comes home from a party or from work? Do you attend all his games or concerts? Do you spend your spare minutes praying for your son because you’re worried? I’ve been there too. If you’re tired, you’re probably doing a good job as a teen boy’s mom.

5. You’re loved.

“I’m not a little kid anymore, Mom!” my son said as my lips grazed his forehead. Oops. He may not want kisses or cuddles anymore, but that doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Maybe he lets you hug him, but if not, he might show his love for you in other ways: by helping around the house or texting when he gets somewhere because he knows you’ll worry otherwise. If your son tells you flat out that he loves you, you’re lucky. But if he doesn’t, don’t worry. As the age-old wisdom goes, actions speak louder than words.

6. You’re emotional.

Though it’s a little exciting to think of your son out of the house someday, there’s also sadness about the short amount of time you have left together. When you spot that framed toddler photo in the hall, you’re floored because it didn’t seem that long ago. And though he’s still a work in progress, you see all your effort and endless love and prayer taking shape in this young man. It’s heartbreaking acknowledging the mistakes you’ve made along the way. But it’s heartwarming too, knowing a lot of your hard work has started to pay off!

What are the best parts about being a teen boy’s mom?

The post 6 Signs You’re Doing OK as a Teen Boy’s Mom appeared first on iMOM.

Not all boys are naturally assertive. And none of us wants our kids to be walked on. So, let’s teach our boys to assert themselves. Here are 5 ways how to teach your child to be assertive.

1. Explain assertiveness to your child.

My friend’s son didn’t want to make waves on the track team, but his mom didn’t want others taking advantage of his easy-going nature either. She sat him down and talked to him about what it meant to be assertive.

If you want to know how to teach your child to be assertive, the first step is knowing what exactly assertiveness is and isn’t. Not doing anything is a passive response while being loud, rude, or calling names is aggressive. Telling your kids it’s OK to stand up for themselves is good, but make sure they know there’s no room for meanness or being hurtful.

2. Teach your son to have an opinion.

“I don’t know,” my son said. I replied, “No, I want to know which color.” He said, “I like them both.” For fun, our family walked through a car dealership’s showroom, and I wanted my son to tell me which color paint he’d rather have if we bought a new car. It frustrated me that he didn’t seem to have a preference. But it wasn’t the first time he gave me a more passive response to what I thought was an easy question.

If your child makes statements such as “It doesn’t matter,” “Either is fine,” or “You decide,” he’s being passive. Don’t let him off the hook! Give your son opportunities to state his opinion and let him practice hearing his own voice. Doing so will help him assert himself when it really matters, whether it’s in a classroom discussion or in front of a locker-room bully.

3. Respect his decisions and choices.

Let’s say it’s Friday night and your family is out to eat. Your son decides he’ll have the apple pancakes and a chocolate milk. Do you let him? I realized on one such outing that I’d been making too many decisions for my son because I always wanted him to make the healthy choice or what I deemed the better option. But too much control on my part had started to affect my son’s overall decision-making ability. I’ve since vowed to step back more often. Sometimes kids need to mess up before they learn so they can build confidence in decision-making.

Being aware of your own role in your son’s daily decisions may be a breakthrough in how to teach your child to be assertive. I know it was for me.

4. Role play assertiveness with your child.

Not all boys are naturally assertive. It could help your son to practice scenarios where he needs to assert himself. Role play a bullying situation and what your son can say. Things like “Don’t touch me!” and “Leave me alone!” are a good start. You can also role play other scenarios too. Maybe the soccer coach wants to have the team party at a restaurant that has peanut shells on the floor, but your son has a peanut allergy. Have him practice speaking up for himself: “Coach, I wouldn’t feel safe going there. Can we go somewhere else?”

If he can hear himself saying these assertive words at home, he’ll have more confidence saying them to those who need to hear what he thinks. What other scenarios can you practice at home to get him ready?

5. Be a good role model.

You can practice the same advice you give your child and he’ll benefit from it. Voicing your opinion matters, even if it’s on something minor like which game to play. “I’d rather play Exploding Kittens than Unstable Unicorns.” You can also assert yourself by telling your family how you feel: “I’m tired. I need to take a nap.” If you’ve just watched a show together, state your opinion on what you thought. “I liked The Book of Boba Fett, but I thought The Mandalorian was better.”

When you respectfully express your opinions in front of your child, he sees how to handle situations that may put him on the spot too. In other words, you’ve given him a gift—a visual depiction of how to respond in an assertive yet tactful way.

How do you teach your child to be assertive?

The post 5 Ways to Raise an Assertive Boy appeared first on iMOM.

He says basing happiness on another person’s regard (i.e., respect) is elusive and contingent. What men need, according to French, “is not for others to do things for them. They need to do things for others.” He calls it virtuous purpose, and I’m fully on board. But what can we do now to create men with virtuous purpose? I think it starts by raising kindhearted boys. Moms, we have the power to shape a generation of men with purpose. Ready to try? Here are 10 ideas for how to raise a kind boy.

1. Talk about kindness often.

In figuring out how to raise a kind boy, the first thing to consider is what makes someone kind. Then point it out in others: “It was kind of the man to get out of his car to move that turtle out of the road.” “That boy was kind to let you go first.”

2. Teach empathy.

Kindness flows more easily when you feel what other people are feeling, so practice empathy with your son in simple ways. If you see a child crying at the grocery store, say, “He looks sad. I wonder if his mom told him he can’t have the cereal he wants.” When you do something helpful, talk specifically about how it might make the other person feel. “I bet the families who get this food we’re donating will love the taste of a healthy meal.”

3. Teach him about consent.

When my sons roughhouse, one of them eventually starts to wail and pleads, “Stop!” I usually step in and say, “He asked you to stop. That means stop.” If you want to raise boys to be kind, they have to know how to listen for and respect someone else’s no. We can’t expect this to kick in automatically when they start dating. We can start teaching consent on the playground or at the dinner table.

4. Require kindness between siblings.

A friend with four sons has zero tolerance for name-calling. When I was over at her house one afternoon, one son told another he was a loser, and she responded by asking, “Is it kind to say that to your brother?” Later she said to me, “I can’t expect them to say kind words outside our home if I don’t require them inside.” Note taken!

5. Teach them how to cook.

There’s something about feeding people that opens your heart to them. Watching someone get nourishment through food you’ve prepared changes the way you see them. They become someone you care for. Girls are encouraged to feed others, but our boys can learn kindness through food just as easily.

6. Ask him how he feels before you ask what he would do.

My son and I saw another driver hand a homeless person a granola bar. He said, “Look mom.” I replied, “That’s great. Would you give a bar if we had one?” I wish I would’ve asked him how seeing that affected him before asking if he would’ve done the same thing. Boys will become kinder and more considerate of other’s feelings when we make a habit of asking them to consider their own feelings.

7. Celebrate others’ victories.

My friend posted a video of her family of seven staring at the TV, waiting for the STEM fair results to pop up. Her son’s name appeared on the screen with a score of “excellent,” and everyone leaped off the couch. His brother gave him a bear hug and his dad threw his hands in the air. When we share in each other’s victories, we practice caring about things outside of ourselves.

8. Don’t let him skip out on his siblings’ special moments.

My 11-year-old son’s buddy has to attend all of his sister’s dance recitals. He finds them boring, but for a few hours, he’s forced to give his time and attention to show his love for his sister. He’s learning selflessness and kindness (and something tells me he won’t mind as much in a few years).

9. Encourage hospitality.

Some women consider hospitality to be a ministry. A warm welcome and making people feel comfortable is a gift any of us can give. Let your son open doors, offer up a seat, and clear the table without being asked. When boys realize kindness through hospitality makes them feel good, they’ll do it more often.

10. Share your heart with him.

I gave my son a letter for his tenth birthday. In it, I wrote 10 things I wanted him to know. One was that I understood he would eventually not want to hold my hand, and that was OK. He came to me and said, “I’ll always want to hold your hand, Mom.” I think sometimes moms stop saying sweet things because we fear the eye roll or the “Mom, please,” but keep opening your heart to your son, and he’ll be more likely to open his heart in kindness toward others.

Add more to this list! What are your ideas for how to raise a kind boy?

The post 10 Things to Do to Raise Kindhearted Boys appeared first on iMOM.

I’ll be honest about something—I was a virgin when I got married. I wish I could say it was a virtuous decision, but the reality is, when I was in high school, I wanted to have sex, and if given the opportunity, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But, as I look back, I’m thankful I didn’t because having sex at that point in my life would have been a terrible mistake. There were so many lies I believed about sex that it would have done damage to me and the other person.

Over 30 years later, I don’t see a significant difference in this generation. The sex misconceptions are still there and many teen boys are buying them, hook, line, and sinker. Unfortunately, these lies can cause bad decisions and terrible wounds. We need to spend time teaching them the truth about sex. Here are 5 sex misconceptions teen boys believe.

1. Having sex makes you a man.

There are many things that make a man, but having sex isn’t one of them. Being a man is about growing in maturity and identity and having a sense of belonging and responsibility. There are people who have sex who have none of those, and plenty who have all of it who are virgins. Boys who have sex to achieve manhood are focused on the wrong things. They are also approaching sex in a way that will hurt them and the people they use.

2. Having sex makes you powerful.

Teen boys will often see sex as an accomplishment or area of life to be conquered. If they do it, it shows how powerful and desirable they are. Virginity is seen as naïve, or worse, weakness. Since “weak” is the worst way to be perceived, boys sometimes will do anything to have sex. In some cases, that includes pressuring a girl or even committing assault.

3. Sex is about what you get.

The purpose of sex is to know and be known intimately in a lifelong, committed relationship. It is centered around lovingly giving and connecting to one another. In general, teens are ego-centric in their development. They understand that what they say and do impacts others, but they haven’t developed the empathy to care. A teen boy’s belief about sex as something he needs to conquer plus his natural self-centeredness is a mixture for pain. In his mind, sex is all about his own satisfaction and fulfillment.

4. It’s the girl’s responsibility to hold the line.

When teen boys see sex as something to achieve, they see girls as gatekeepers to get past. The weight of responsibility and pressure falls on young girls to hold a moral standard for sex. When they don’t, they are labeled a host of names. Meanwhile, boys are given a pass because “boys will be boys.” But boys need to take more responsibility and practice self-discipline. At the very least, there should be an equal share of responsibility. However, I would say that boys should prioritize protecting the girls they’re with and themselves from physical involvement that can cause significant emotional and relational damage.

5. Porn is a great model for how to do it.

Boys who are curious about sex will look to learn about it from friends and possibly also from porn. This is especially true if they don’t have parents willing to discuss sex with them. Porn gives a distorted picture of sex that is designed by men for male consumption. It’s degrading to women, sometimes even violent. How women approach sex and what they find pleasurable is completely missed, as is the painful fallout from casual encounters.

What are some other possible sex misconceptions teen boys believe?

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