“What happened to my goofy little buddy?” I’ve heard more moms say that about their tween or teen sons than I can count. One day, our boys are saying things like, “I want to live with you forever, Mama,” and the next they’re dodging our hugs and muttering under their breaths like grumpy dragons. What’s worse is that many of us thought we’d dodged mood swings by having boys. Aren’t girls the emotional ones?
Fear not. This (probably) isn’t personal; it’s puberty. Their hormones—mainly testosterone—are on a wild roller coaster ride, and our boys are just holding on. But despite their newly found gruffness, they need their moms. So here’s what you need to know about how to survive your son’s mood swings and help him through them.
Boys’ Mood Swings vs Girls’
If you can recall wading through the hormonal swamp, you probably remember crying or laughing more loudly and more often than you did pre-puberty. That’s because girls tend to put their emotions out into the world during puberty. There’s a slight difference in boys. Cara Natterson, pediatrician and author of Decoding Boys, says, “Some get quiet and withdraw. Some become more impulsive or aggressive. Most have some combination of the two with long spells of their baseline sweet normal selves in between.”
Your Son’s Mood Swings Translated
The Grunt: This is the bread and butter of the boyish communication style. It can mean anything from “hello” to “leave me alone, I’m building a Death Star out of LEGOs.” The key is context. Is he slumped on the couch with headphones on? Grunt probably means “leave me alone.” Is he setting the table with a gruff noise? It might be a gruff “thank you.”
The Sigh: This is a close cousin of the grunt but with a touch more drama. It can express anything from mild annoyance to existential dread. The best response? A raised eyebrow and a gentle, “Everything all right, bud?” Sometimes, just acknowledging the sigh is enough to break the tension.
The Slam: Ah, classic move. It’s the baseline to the soundtrack of teenage angst, often accompanied by a muttered curse word (hopefully not directed at you). Resist the urge to slam back. Instead, take a deep breath and let it go. Chances are, he needs some space to process whatever emotional gremlin has taken hold.
How to Handle Your Son’s Mood Swings
Be a safe space: Let your son know you’re there for him, no matter his mood. He might not always want to talk, but knowing he can come to you without judgment is crucial. Listen to him, even if it’s just grunts and sighs.
Never make fun: If your son cries or throws a tantrum, don’t say things like, “Don’t be a girl,” “Why are you so emotional?” or “Do you have PMS or something?” Natterson says mood swings create a cocktail of feelings—confusion, discomfort, and even shame—and the last thing our boys need is to be told their responses are unnatural or “girly.”
Lean on humor: Sometimes, a well-timed joke is the best way to defuse a tense situation. Does he look like a grumpy cloud is following him around? Crack a joke about it! He might roll his eyes, but chances are, a little laughter can break the ice.
Give him tools: In Decoding Boys, Natterson says, “I’ve never met a kid who enjoys being moody.” As the caring adults in their lives, it’s our job to give kids tools to better handle their mood swings. She suggests these three: Taking a breath or walking away when a mood is surging, planning ahead for what to do when a mood strikes, and apologizing when moodiness gets the best of you.
Our boys can’t avoid mood swings altogether. They’re part of growing up. But we can help them protect their important relationships and keep the swinging from doing more damage than necessary.
The Most Important Thing to Remember
Hopefully some of these explanations made you smile or even chuckle. That was intentional. This time in your son’s life is tough on you, but you have to keep a sense of humor and remember it will pass (usually by age 17). You won’t get back your cute little buddy, but you’ll have a new and special relationship with a young man.
What set off the most recent mood swing in your son? Did you see it coming?
