My son stood at the top of the play structure explaining a new game he invented to his friends. I could hear the excitement in his voice. But moments later, when he came to me, upset no one wanted to play, my first thought was I hope he won’t cry or, worse, yell. Later, I felt guilty for those thoughts and for shushing him to be quiet. Being able to talk about his feelings would’ve been good to help build his inner strength.
My son’s setback came with raw and real feelings. But I didn’t let him work through them in the moment. I’ve been trying to do better since. To raise my kid well, to grow up with a healthy outlook on life and someday be a loving husband and father, I need to teach him more about developing inner strength. There are 5 ways moms can raise sons with strength that comes from the inside.
1. Build your son’s emotional intelligence.
“Mom, I can’t sleep,” my son whispered. I opened my eyes and found him standing over my bed. “What if I can’t finish the test in time? What if I miss recess?” It took me a moment to realize he was worried about the state’s standardized test in the morning.
A good way to build your son’s EQ is by taking his emotions seriously, whenever he expresses himself—even if it’s the middle of the night. “You’re worried,” I replied. “I get that.” Doing so, says author Colleen Kessler, “requires empathetic listening skills and the willingness (and ability) to see things from their perspective.” Listen to your son and respect his feelings whether he’s 3 or 13. Don’t tell him how he should feel or limit his feelings. Rather, allow him to express what he’s feeling and validate it.
2. Make yourself available to your son.
My teen son just got a cell phone and now he texts me on occasion. Sometimes he wants to chat about a grade or how he’s unsure about a social situation. I try to respond quickly, even if I’m in the middle of something.
It’s important to be available to our sons “to help them through their big thoughts whenever they’re ready to talk,” Kessler says. She stresses it’s especially important as boys get older. So, when your son wants to talk about what’s happening in his life, push aside other things. He’ll be encouraged to keep returning to you when he wants to work through something.
3. Put connection before correction.
“He’s always absent. He expects us to teach ourselves,” my son said, frustrated with his teacher. I sat quietly and listened. Sure, I wanted to tell him teachers had meetings and they expected more from high schoolers. But I didn’t want to shut my son down. So, I just listened and nodded empathetically. Being a kid is tough.
Kessler advises us to “connect before we correct.” Even if you don’t agree with what your son is saying, try to listen before offering any advice. To build his inner strength, he has to work through his feelings when things are hard. Stepping in to fix things for him won’t help.
4. Accept all feelings but not all behaviors.
A former student got upset in my class and threw a pencil in my direction. Instead of yelling at him, I kept my voice steady: “I know you’re frustrated, but that pencil came dangerously close to me.” Then I sent the boy to the main office.
We want our sons to be able to express a wide range of emotions, but exploding, lashing out in disrespect, or using his body in way that could hurt others or himself isn’t acceptable. Boys need to learn to regulate their feelings. Kessler says, “When you mentor your sons through their frustration now, they’ll be better equipped to cope with bigger disappointments later on in life when they need to.” And as time passes, their resilience will grow too.
5. Show how you handle big emotions.
Inner strength means being able to handle difficulties whether it’s a low grade, a lost ballgame, or teasing on the playground. Let your son see how you handle problems. Stay calm if someone cuts you off on the road and talk about your feelings: “I didn’t like how that driver changed lanes. It made me feel unsafe.” Doing so shows your son how to process what he’s feeling too.
If you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to apologize. We all lose it now and then, and that’s normal. Our kids will too. As Kessler says, when you model how to react and apologize, you’re giving your child a gift that will build his inner strength and serve him well throughout life.
Have a daughter? Check out these iMOM articles: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter With 5 Truths, Five Ways to Raise an Assertive Girl, and Five Reasons Your Daughter Needs to be Challenged.
How has your son worked to build his inner strength?
