Ed Schmitt’s wife had just died, the medical bills were piling up, and his credit cards were maxed out. To make matters worse, one of his two young daughters was sick with the same rare disease that took his wife’s life. She was dying, and he was trying to manage it all by himself. Across town, a hairdresser named Sharon Stevens read about the family’s misfortune in a newspaper and felt like she needed to help. So she organized a fundraiser. But after meeting Ed and his girls, she wanted to do more. She called the hospital to find out the total amount he owed. When she found out he owed over $400K, she became single-minded about helping him and his daughters. When he tried to reject her help, she said, “I’m no good at plenty of things. Taking no for an answer ain’t one of them.”
Ed and Sharon’s story is beautifully told in a new movie called Ordinary Angels. It’s a true story about a community of people who came together to help a suffering family. No one enjoys suffering, but women tend to be more comfortable with painful emotions than men. As a wife and mother, you can support the guys in your life so they don’t hurt in these 4 unnecessary, unhealthy, and unproductive ways.
1. Silently
Author Brene Brown said in a TED talk that she was approached by a man at a book signing. He said he liked what she had to say about shame and vulnerability but was wondering why she didn’t mention men. After she replied that she didn’t study men, he said, “That’s convenient. You say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable, but do you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? They would rather I die on my white horse than watch me fall down.”
Whether it’s a fear of being perceived as weak or falling short of expectations, there are too many men suffering in silence. And while their pain might not come out in words, it will most definitely come out. Silent suffering can lead to addiction, anger, and depression. As hard as it is to put everything else aside, when guys start to talk, try to listen, ask questions, and hold back criticism.
2. Alone
This doesn’t mean men shouldn’t ever feel lonely. It means they shouldn’t suffer alone. That’s what Ed Schmitt was doing. Too many men are either afraid or too proud to share with others how they are struggling, or even that they are struggling at all. Then there are those who bravely step out and share with other men how they are suffering only to be ignored or, worse, belittled.
Being isolated in suffering never increases someone’s strength; it only makes friendships more superficial and hearts heavier. Even if you’re a good listener, if your husband or sons are suffering, they might need other men to talk to. Pray and search for people willing to walk with them and emotionally share their burdens.
3. Ashamed
Men think they’re supposed to know all and fix all. When they lack knowledge they think they should have or experience moments of weakness, they can experience a lot of shame. My husband doesn’t follow sports, and my son isn’t into them either. Both have separately asked me if I thought they were “lesser” guys because of it. I laughed, but this type of shame is common in men.
Too many guys think there’s a manly way to handle suffering and anything outside of that norm is shameful. Wives and mothers need to allow our guys to process their emotions openly and avoid saying things like, “Be a man and don’t cry,” or “Time to be tough.”
4. Confused
There’s a lot of confusion about what it means to be a man these days. Be tough but also sensitive—but not too sensitive. Share emotions without being overly emotional. Be strong and commanding, but not too commanding. Many men are left confused, and in the end, it’s easier for them simply to choose to suffer alone and in silence. In Ordinary Angels, Ed refused Sharon’s help over and over because it was “his job” to solve his problems.
The last thing suffering men need is the added burden of confusion about the right way to process pain as a man. Men need to be given the freedom to be vulnerable and accept the comfort and help of others. If your husband is going through a hard time, give him permission to be raw. If your sons are in a tough season, encourage them to be authentic and ask for help. It will be a blessing to them.
What are some other ways you’ve seen men suffering unnecessarily?
