My friend Carissa told me a boy had been bothering her son William at track practice, saying he was slow. When I asked her what William did about it, she said, “He hasn’t done anything. He says it’s not a huge deal.” I thought about 12-year-old William, a sweet and quiet kid about average size. Why hadn’t he told the kid to back off?
Not all boys are naturally assertive. And none of us wants our kids to be walked on. So, let’s teach our boys to assert themselves. Here are 5 ways how to teach your child to be assertive.
1. Explain assertiveness to your child.
My friend’s son didn’t want to make waves on the track team, but his mom didn’t want others taking advantage of his easy-going nature either. She sat him down and talked to him about what it meant to be assertive.
If you want to know how to teach your child to be assertive, the first step is knowing what exactly assertiveness is and isn’t. Not doing anything is a passive response while being loud, rude, or calling names is aggressive. Telling your kids it’s OK to stand up for themselves is good, but make sure they know there’s no room for meanness or being hurtful.
2. Teach your son to have an opinion.
“I don’t know,” my son said. I replied, “No, I want to know which color.” He said, “I like them both.” For fun, our family walked through a car dealership’s showroom, and I wanted my son to tell me which color paint he’d rather have if we bought a new car. It frustrated me that he didn’t seem to have a preference. But it wasn’t the first time he gave me a more passive response to what I thought was an easy question.
If your child makes statements such as “It doesn’t matter,” “Either is fine,” or “You decide,” he’s being passive. Don’t let him off the hook! Give your son opportunities to state his opinion and let him practice hearing his own voice. Doing so will help him assert himself when it really matters, whether it’s in a classroom discussion or in front of a locker-room bully.
3. Respect his decisions and choices.
Let’s say it’s Friday night and your family is out to eat. Your son decides he’ll have the apple pancakes and a chocolate milk. Do you let him? I realized on one such outing that I’d been making too many decisions for my son because I always wanted him to make the healthy choice or what I deemed the better option. But too much control on my part had started to affect my son’s overall decision-making ability. I’ve since vowed to step back more often. Sometimes kids need to mess up before they learn so they can build confidence in decision-making.
Being aware of your own role in your son’s daily decisions may be a breakthrough in how to teach your child to be assertive. I know it was for me.
4. Role play assertiveness with your child.
Not all boys are naturally assertive. It could help your son to practice scenarios where he needs to assert himself. Role play a bullying situation and what your son can say. Things like “Don’t touch me!” and “Leave me alone!” are a good start. You can also role play other scenarios too. Maybe the soccer coach wants to have the team party at a restaurant that has peanut shells on the floor, but your son has a peanut allergy. Have him practice speaking up for himself: “Coach, I wouldn’t feel safe going there. Can we go somewhere else?”
If he can hear himself saying these assertive words at home, he’ll have more confidence saying them to those who need to hear what he thinks. What other scenarios can you practice at home to get him ready?
5. Be a good role model.
You can practice the same advice you give your child and he’ll benefit from it. Voicing your opinion matters, even if it’s on something minor like which game to play. “I’d rather play Exploding Kittens than Unstable Unicorns.” You can also assert yourself by telling your family how you feel: “I’m tired. I need to take a nap.” If you’ve just watched a show together, state your opinion on what you thought. “I liked The Book of Boba Fett, but I thought The Mandalorian was better.”
When you respectfully express your opinions in front of your child, he sees how to handle situations that may put him on the spot too. In other words, you’ve given him a gift—a visual depiction of how to respond in an assertive yet tactful way.
How do you teach your child to be assertive?
