I’m a mom raising two boys, so when I saw the claim that American men are in a crisis, my ears perked up. Some argue that there’s an attack on traditionally masculine traits, and it’s causing men to feel disrespected, leading to a rising number of cases of drug abuse and suicide. Yes, men desire respect, but New York Times opinion columnist David French argues that they have a deeper need: purpose.
He says basing happiness on another person’s regard (i.e., respect) is elusive and contingent. What men need, according to French, “is not for others to do things for them. They need to do things for others.” He calls it virtuous purpose, and I’m fully on board. But what can we do now to create men with virtuous purpose? I think it starts by raising kindhearted boys. Moms, we have the power to shape a generation of men with purpose. Ready to try? Here are 10 ideas for how to raise a kind boy.
1. Talk about kindness often.
In figuring out how to raise a kind boy, the first thing to consider is what makes someone kind. Then point it out in others: “It was kind of the man to get out of his car to move that turtle out of the road.” “That boy was kind to let you go first.”
2. Teach empathy.
Kindness flows more easily when you feel what other people are feeling, so practice empathy with your son in simple ways. If you see a child crying at the grocery store, say, “He looks sad. I wonder if his mom told him he can’t have the cereal he wants.” When you do something helpful, talk specifically about how it might make the other person feel. “I bet the families who get this food we’re donating will love the taste of a healthy meal.”
3. Teach him about consent.
When my sons roughhouse, one of them eventually starts to wail and pleads, “Stop!” I usually step in and say, “He asked you to stop. That means stop.” If you want to raise boys to be kind, they have to know how to listen for and respect someone else’s no. We can’t expect this to kick in automatically when they start dating. We can start teaching consent on the playground or at the dinner table.
4. Require kindness between siblings.
A friend with four sons has zero tolerance for name-calling. When I was over at her house one afternoon, one son told another he was a loser, and she responded by asking, “Is it kind to say that to your brother?” Later she said to me, “I can’t expect them to say kind words outside our home if I don’t require them inside.” Note taken!
5. Teach them how to cook.
There’s something about feeding people that opens your heart to them. Watching someone get nourishment through food you’ve prepared changes the way you see them. They become someone you care for. Girls are encouraged to feed others, but our boys can learn kindness through food just as easily.
6. Ask him how he feels before you ask what he would do.
My son and I saw another driver hand a homeless person a granola bar. He said, “Look mom.” I replied, “That’s great. Would you give a bar if we had one?” I wish I would’ve asked him how seeing that affected him before asking if he would’ve done the same thing. Boys will become kinder and more considerate of other’s feelings when we make a habit of asking them to consider their own feelings.
7. Celebrate others’ victories.
My friend posted a video of her family of seven staring at the TV, waiting for the STEM fair results to pop up. Her son’s name appeared on the screen with a score of “excellent,” and everyone leaped off the couch. His brother gave him a bear hug and his dad threw his hands in the air. When we share in each other’s victories, we practice caring about things outside of ourselves.
8. Don’t let him skip out on his siblings’ special moments.
My 11-year-old son’s buddy has to attend all of his sister’s dance recitals. He finds them boring, but for a few hours, he’s forced to give his time and attention to show his love for his sister. He’s learning selflessness and kindness (and something tells me he won’t mind as much in a few years).
9. Encourage hospitality.
Some women consider hospitality to be a ministry. A warm welcome and making people feel comfortable is a gift any of us can give. Let your son open doors, offer up a seat, and clear the table without being asked. When boys realize kindness through hospitality makes them feel good, they’ll do it more often.
10. Share your heart with him.
I gave my son a letter for his tenth birthday. In it, I wrote 10 things I wanted him to know. One was that I understood he would eventually not want to hold my hand, and that was OK. He came to me and said, “I’ll always want to hold your hand, Mom.” I think sometimes moms stop saying sweet things because we fear the eye roll or the “Mom, please,” but keep opening your heart to your son, and he’ll be more likely to open his heart in kindness toward others.
Add more to this list! What are your ideas for how to raise a kind boy?
