“Mom, I miss you,” my son said. He and my husband had set off on an adventure with two other father-son pairs in the Minnesota backwoods. This phone call would be the last time I’d hear my kid’s voice for a week. I’d been excited for this bonding time he and my husband would have together, but after a year of preparation, what I heard on the line sounded like trepidation. “I bet you’re going to see some cool wildlife,” I said. “I hope I see a bear.” He paused, then added, “From a distance.” I smiled to myself, hoping my husband would nurture my boy’s need for affection over the next several days.
Just as girls benefit from a good relationship with their dads, teen boys need their moms’ love and attention too. Teen boys learn a lot from their moms, and so it’s important we stay involved and connected with them. Here are 7 things a teenage son needs, especially from his mother.
1. To Be Believed In
“Do you think I can do it?” My son had honors geometry on his mind. “I believe you can do just about anything you decide you want to do,” I said. He nodded. Believing in your son can be the tiebreaker between his decision to go for something or to give up. If you know your son has a desire to do something difficult, he’ll gain strength in knowing you believe he can make a great effort. Sometimes he’ll need that strength to take that brave first step.
2. Physical Affection
“Morning hug,” I said, opening my arms to my son as he entered the kitchen sleepy-eyed. He’s a hugger, but I know not all boys are. Giving your son some form of daily physical affection is important to convey love and to teach healthy ways to express affection. I also like to ruffle my son’s curly hair or squeeze his shoulder when he’s sitting at the counter. Every touch is a reminder to your son that he’s on your mind and he matters. You can’t overdo that. Boys need physical affection as much as girls.
3. Wisdom and Guidance
A mother guides her son differently from how she guides her daughter. Her perspective is valuable to him because of how different it is from his own. Moms are generally more adept at discussing feelings than dads, and it’s important for a boy to have a nonjudgmental space where he can freely express emotions, talk about problems, and ask for help. With his mom, it may be easier to do these things, especially when boys are pressured to always appear tough and strong. That’s just not realistic, or healthy!
4. Opportunities to Laugh
The other day, my son told me about another boy’s crude humor. “How crude?” I asked, wincing while I waited for him to elaborate. Even though I could see why he found these things funny, I liked how he considered the humor “crude.” My son and I laugh a lot when we’re together and I think from me, he’s learning not only what’s appropriate but also not to take life so seriously. I am not a performer, but I’ll dance in the kitchen just to get him laughing. When you share humor with others, you feel close to them. So, it’s good for you and your boy to laugh together. He’s learning how to get along with the opposite sex in a way that’s both fun and socially appropriate.
5. To Have Rules Upheld
A few weeks ago, I heard lots of laughter and looked out the window to find our teen neighbor driving down the street, pulling his friend on a skateboard with a rope. It looked totally unsafe! It’s our job as moms to help our boys make good choices, and if they don’t, to discipline them so they learn. Their brains are still forming and won’t be fully developed until about age 25. So even though they may be taller than we are, our teenage sons need their mothers to teach good judgment and also to love them through their mishaps along the way.
6. To Be Taught How to Treat Others
“Hold the door for your sister!” I called to my son. We all had grocery bags, but he’d gone first and let the screen door flap shut. For some reason, my daughter had learned these types of lessons quicker. Some boys, like my own, need a mom’s diligence to ensure he learns how to treat others.
7. To Talk About Faith and God
Earlier today, my son told me about a boy who’d been aggravating him at lunch. “Maybe he’s going through a tough time,” I said. “We should pray for him.” Bringing things back to God teaches my son compassion and perspective. When he leaves for college in a few years, I want my son to have more than a diploma—I want him to have a strong moral compass. Moms, let’s use the time we’re given to talk about our faith so when the time comes, we know they’ll turn to God even when we’re not there to remind them.
What else does a mother’s relationship with her teenage son offer him?
