The best part about being a teacher is getting to know my students. Last week, one of them said something that opened my eyes to the impact of divorce on children: “When my parents got divorced,” she said, “it was fine, but I do remember crying every single time I had to switch from my mom’s house to my dad’s.” Hearing that, I knew that things hadn’t actually been fine, and I almost cried.
I wondered—do kids share these frank thoughts with their moms? I’m sure an intuitive child might think that sharing those feelings would make Mom feel bad or worry. Are your kids sharing them with you? In case they aren’t and you want a teacher’s perspective on the impact of divorce on children, here are 4 things many of my students think and feel.
1. “I have a new job.”
One child told me that when his parents divorced, a well-meaning adult said, “You’re the man of the house now.” Since then, this very conscientious child has put extreme pressure on himself to be a little adult. He feels responsible for his mother and his younger siblings.
Research out of the University of Colorado Boulder found that one impact of divorce on children is that kids say they “grew up faster” in the areas of “parent-child relationships” and “sibling relationships.” Help your children avoid these outcomes by not expecting them to act like adults. Avoid discussing finances with them, don’t lean on them emotionally, and don’t expect too much from them in caring for their siblings. Be very clear with your child: “You’re still a kid, and this isn’t your responsibility.”
2.“I can fix it.”
A sweet preteen said that after her parents divorced she decided to become very quiet. “I thought that maybe the reason they got divorced was because I was too loud.”
Children may not share what they’re feeling during and after a divorce. They see that mom and dad are stressed and upset, so they want to figure out how to make things better. Kids who’ve experienced a divorce need frequent reassurance that the divorce was not their fault, even if they say they already know that.
3. “I can’t figure out my emotions.”
I received an email about a student from one of our school’s guidance counselors. She explained that his parents were going through a rough divorce, and he was dealing with anxiety because of it. She asked me to reach out to his mom if I noticed any significant changes, like sleeping in class or struggling with his classwork.
The impact of divorce on kids may come out “sideways”—sadness may look like anger, and anxiety may appear as a lack of interest in school. These children need moms who will look beyond their behavior to what’s going on inside. Even if your child can’t or won’t verbalize how he feels, talk with him to discover the emotions behind the actions so you can help him process them in a healthy way.
4. “It’s too much for me.”
“Where’s your homework?” I asked one of my seventh graders. “I left it at my dad’s,” he said, sadly. I knew he was trying to stay on top of his schoolwork, but shuttling between his parents’ houses was tripping him up.
Children with divorced parents can feel overwhelmed by practical aspects of their living situation: keeping up with their things as they move from Mom’s to Dad’s, understanding differing expectations and rules, and having to be pleasant when they meet their parents’ new romantic interests. So, to the extent that is reasonable and that you can afford, have what your children need at both houses. Put a schoolwork basket by the door at each house, and come to an agreement with your ex about how to introduce new partners.
For mom: Keep talking and listening.
The impact of divorce on children isn’t always obvious. Even if your child seems OK, continue talking and listening. Reassure your child with words like, “You can tell me anything. It won’t hurt my feelings. You don’t have to put on a happy face for me. I want to know what you’re feeling. I love you.”
How have you gotten your kids to share their feelings about your divorce? If your feelings are still on the raw side, here are five ways you can start healing your own heart.
