“We argued horribly while we were married. I thought all that was behind me.” My friend Allison, a divorced mom of two, dreaded fighting with her ex-husband. The fights never went well. I understood, but I didn’t have any great advice because I always took more of an avoidance approach to fighting.
The next time Allison and I talked, she’d gotten some tips from her counselor. She told Allison to imagine herself as a fire marshal, not a firefighter. Allison can’t control her ex, but she can investigate the situation and control her own responses to keep the flames from rising. Allison said she now pictures herself with her fire marshal badge anytime things start to get hot. If you need some wisdom for how to de-escalate tension between you and your ex during a disagreement, here are 5 other things that can help.
1. Take a breather.
Imagine this: You receive a text from your ex, his words dripping with accusation. Your initial reaction might be to fire back a rebuttal. But before you hit send, take a beat. Allison said, “There was a time I almost replied to an angry text from my ex at 2 a.m.! I realized later how unproductive that would have been.”
We’ve all been there—in a heated text exchange that leaves you feeling worse than when you started. In the moment, it’s easy to react impulsively. But rule number one for how to de-escalate tension between you and your ex is to give yourself time to cool down. Take a few deep breaths, distract yourself with a walk, or even write a draft version of the text and let it sit for 24 hours.
2. Use facts over feelings.
When emotions run high, facts go by the wayside. We use lines like “you always” or “you never” which only add fuel to the fire. Focus on the specific issue at hand. Instead of, “You never pick up the kids on time”, try, “Last week, they were late for soccer practice because of pick-up delays.” Sticking to the facts keeps the conversation grounded and reduces the space for defensiveness.
3. Pick up the phone.
Ask anyone who’s co-parented how to de-escalate tension between you and your ex during a fight, and they’ll say texting can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings. Emojis can be misinterpreted, and the lack of vocal cues creates a space for negativity to fester.
If you and your ex can have a civil conversation, pick up the phone. The sound of each other’s voices can help humanize the situation and promote empathy. If phone calls always devolve into arguments, stick to written communication, but choose your words carefully. If you have a friend you trust to be honest with you, run the text by her and ask, “Does this sound fair? Could it be misinterpreted?”
4. Focus on your child.
Remember, you’re still a team, even if you’re not a couple anymore. The ultimate goal is to create a stable and supportive environment for your child.
Instead of getting sucked into a power struggle about who’s right in this situation, ask him (and yourself), “How can we resolve this disagreement in a way that benefits our kids?” This shift in focus can help steer the conversation toward solutions.
5. Lean on the power of apology.
We all make mistakes. If you find yourself contributing to the escalation of a disagreement, don’t be afraid to apologize. A simple “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier” can go a long way in diffusing tension and showing your ex-husband you’re willing to work together.
Open communication, even if it’s not always the smoothest, paves the way for a more positive co-parenting experience for you and your child. If you keep running into the same issues, consider a few sessions with a counselor. She can give you tools for de-escalating tension between you and your ex. You might not look forward to the next disagreement, but you’ll come out feeling more confident that you made the healthiest choices for your children.
How do you keep tensions from rising when you and your ex-husband disagree?
