When my friend’s parents offered to watch her daughter, the answer they got surprised them: “No.” It wasn’t an easy decision for my friend to make, but it was necessary. Her father is an alcoholic, and she isn’t comfortable letting him spend unsupervised time with her daughter. She eventually accepted the childcare offer, but on the condition that only her mom watches the child, and they must be in her home instead of her parents’.
Some people would consider her response to be harsh or restrictive, but it isn’t. It’s an example of having boundaries, which define what you’re comfortable with. One of the benefits of boundaries many people don’t realize is that you find new levels of freedom. Here are 3 freedoms you gain when you set boundaries.
1. The Freedom to Decide Who Influences Your Family and When
My friend has a cousin who often makes comments about her weight. She’ll say things like, “If you don’t lose weight, you’ll have a hard time finding a man.” It’s always bothered her, but the final straw was when her daughter came to her crying because her cousin said she wasn’t skinny enough. My friend told her cousin to stop commenting on her and her daughter’s weights or they wouldn’t spend time together anymore.
One of the benefits of boundaries is that they give you the freedom to decide who influences your family and when instead of doing damage control after your child spends time around bad influences. You also get to decide when you allow other people to see you instead of letting them determine how you spend your time by not allowing them to show up at your house unannounced or guilt you into visiting them.
2. The Freedom to Have Privacy
Another friend has a child who just turned 3 and isn’t potty-trained yet. Whenever she goes to family gatherings, her aunt says her daughter is too old not to be potty-trained and then asks when my friend plans to start potty-training. Every time it comes up, her aunt reminds her that her kids were potty-trained by age two and that she should force her daughter to use the potty instead of a diaper.
Instead of tolerating nosy or inappropriate questions from people, discussing subjects that aren’t their business, or getting unsolicited advice you don’t want or need, create boundaries to make sure people know which subjects are off limits. If people ask inappropriate questions or try to discuss subjects that aren’t theirs to discuss with you, consider responding with:
- “Thank you for your input, but I already have a plan for this.”
- “Thank you for your advice, but I would like to try something different.”
- “Thank you for your concern, but this is not a subject I’m open to discussing with you.”
3. The Freedom to Love the Family You Have
For the first few years of motherhood, I struggled with guilt because I couldn’t give my children what I had—a two-parent home. This guilt got worse whenever I saw smiling couples on social media. As I scrolled, I noticed I started to believe I was failing as a mom. Those feelings caused me to overspend and take on more than I could handle in an attempt to overcome the deficit I thought my family was living with. I finally found freedom when I defined what family meant to me—raising my children with the support of my parents and sisters.
Social media can trigger feelings of inadequacy and competition if you believe your family isn’t measuring up. Leaving that belief unchecked can cause you to question whether you’re a good enough mom or if you’re doing enough for your children. Consider creating some boundaries, like taking those apps off of your phone, unfollowing accounts that tempt you to compare, limiting your scrolling, or taking a social media break. This will give you the freedom to love the family you have instead of comparing it to others.
Have you considered the benefits of boundaries? Which ones do you need to establish to gain more freedom?
