Teachers, pastors, coaches, neighbors… There are many people in our community who say yes to a child they know who needs a safe and loving home. Many people believe fostering is solely caring for children you have never met. Although this is a piece of the foster care system, there is also the option to foster a specific child—a child you know. In Florida, it’s called Level 1 foster care. Here’s what you need to know about fostering a child you already know.

Kids in your family might need you.

If you have a family member who is struggling with making healthy choices and it is impacting his or her children, you may be called upon to care for those children. Even if you don’t have a history of positive and daily interactions with your family member, the fact that you are family may mean you’ll be asked to care for the children if they’re removed. If this describes you, continue to seek to build connections with that family member and his or her children to help the transition go smoother.

Kids who are like family might need you.

Secondly, you could become a child-specific foster parent even if you aren’t related to the children. If you are like family and have a pre-existing relationship with a child, you could become a foster parent for that specific child. Teachers, coaches, pastors, friends, and neighbors all could have the kind of pre-existing relationship that could turn into a child-specific foster home placement.

And you can help them right now.

Another advantage of becoming a child-specific foster parent is the process itself. Because child-specific foster parents already have a relationship with the child, the process is much shorter and is less involved than becoming a traditional foster family. If you’re interested in becoming a child-specific foster parent, call 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735 or visit this foster care contacts page.

In what ways could your family help a child in need this week?

The post What You Need to Know About Fostering a Child You Already Know appeared first on iMOM.

That summer was very different. That was the summer we fostered both a teenage girl and her little brother. We learned much that summer, including the advantages of fostering sibling groups. What we learned in our home matches what the research shows, according to Casey Family Programs in an article called “How are child protection agencies promoting and supporting joint sibling placements and adoptions?” Here are 4 advantages of fostering siblings.

1. There are fewer emotional and behavioral difficulties.

In most cases, there are fewer emotional and behavioral difficulties when siblings stay together. Siblings know each other best and if they are in foster care, they most likely have been through trauma together. Through that trauma, they have learned to help each other cope, and that’s a skill they continue to use in their foster placement.

2. It’s easier to adjust to a new home with siblings.

When siblings are placed together, they are better able to adjust to their new home. With our experience, who knew the little boy’s favorite foods, how best to put him to bed, and what toys he liked most? Of course, it was his sister! He went to bed well that first night because his sister helped us put him to bed.

3. Siblings placed together have increased mental well-being.

There is an increased mental well-being of siblings placed together. Imagine all the worries of kids placed in foster care. When will they see their parents again? Will they have to change schools? Will this foster home be safe? When siblings are placed together, the one question they don’t have to ask themselves is when they’ll see their brother or sister.

4. There is a higher rate of reunification when siblings are placed together.

Casey Family Programs says that when siblings are placed together, there is a higher rate of reunification, which is when a child and his or her biological parent can once again live together in a safe environment. When siblings are together in the same home, bio parents only need to coordinate visits with one family. This allows the bio parents to focus more on other tasks, like seeking employment and stable housing. Not only are there day-to-day benefits of siblings being together, but the increased likelihood that the family will be reunified is a tremendous reason to foster siblings.

There are many advantages of fostering siblings, and the need is also great. Approximately two-thirds of children in foster care have a sibling in care yet research shows that more than 70% of siblings in foster care are separated. Whether you are currently fostering, or considering becoming a foster parent, consider the advantages of fostering siblings.

What other advantages are there to fostering sibling groups?

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As the girls were being reunified with their mom, this level of partnership ensured there would be consistency in major areas like appropriate discipline, healthy eating choices, and a daily routine. How powerful it is when foster parents and biological parents work together. Here are 5 ways to do that.

1. Ask good questions of each other.

Both the foster parents and the birth parents have much to learn from each other. Foster parents should be asking simple questions about what the foster kids like and dislike and about their bedtime routines. Even their favorite color, food, or movie is helpful information. Birth parents could be helped by asking questions about how their child is doing and how the foster parent is handling difficult behaviors. Those answers could aid the birth parent when the family is reunified.

2. Overcommunicate.

Foster parents and birth parents are meant to be a team focused on the needs and health of the child even when it’s difficult. Sharing information and doing it more often than you may think is necessary could significantly impact the placement and birth parent’s case plans. Maybe it’s by confirming court dates several different times with each other, or sharing what the school or daycare is reporting about the child. All information is helpful and sharing that information repeatedly also builds trust between the foster and birth parents.

3. Interact with humility.

Every interaction between a foster parent and a birth parent has the potential for conflict. But humility—considering others before yourself—is a guaranteed way to prevent conflict. Since conflict requires two people, even if there is great difficulty, when one parent chooses humility, the difficulty stays one-sided and conflict is prevented.

4. Ask for help.

Who doesn’t need help raising a child? It doesn’t matter if you are the birth parent or the foster parent—all parents need help. Asking for help from one another is a great way to build a relationship, keep the kids and their needs as the primary focus, and prevent small issues from becoming larger ones. Some foster parents may need to ask for help even from the biological parent. For example, if the child has different hair or skin needs, the biological mom could communicate to the foster parent what she has used to care for the child’s hair and skin.

5. Advocate for the child.

Whether it’s within the foster care system, for an educational need, or regarding a medical diagnosis, the child’s best opportunity to have needs met is when both sets of parents are united in advocacy for that child.

Foster children can’t make the decision for their foster or birth parents to pursue these five ways to work together. These are choices only we as adults can make—and we should.

When have you had to ask for help as a parent?

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Adjust your expectations.

If you start running a race too fast, you won’t have the energy to finish. To start fostering with the right expectations is the same as starting a race with the right pace. Don’t expect to change a child’s behavior, rescue a parent, and reform the system in your first year. Create healthy expectations in the beginning, like simply connecting with the child placed in your home and celebrating small victories along the way.

Seek and accept help.

Decide now that you will accept help, even when it seems difficult to do so. When people offer to babysit, accept the offer, even if it takes 30 minutes to explain how to manage trauma behaviors and you just plan to go out to grab a coffee. Make a plan before you start fostering for what help you will seek out, line up babysitters before you take your first placement, and even schedule a night out a month in advance if you need to.

Don’t say yes when you should say no.

There are many needs in the foster care system, but you need to be confident in the needs that you are best suited to meet. Sometimes a healthy no to a placement significantly out of your profile, for example, will lead to a better fit and less of a chance for burnout later.

Focus on what you can control.

That may sound selfish, but instead of becoming overly frustrated at a biological mom who is struggling to stay sober, focus on providing a stable, safe, and loving home for her child. If you stay focused on the things you can’t change or control, you will surely burn out. So shift your focus to what you can control.

Don’t forget your calling.

When the day-to-day of fostering starts to wear you down, remember why you became a foster parent in the first place. Difficulties and tiredness don’t change a calling. Knowing you are making a difference in a child’s life and remembering that you were called to this work can help alleviate burnout.

Foster parent burnout is very real yet can be avoided when fostering, just as burnout can be avoided with other commitments. What are ways you have avoided burnout in the past?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

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Being the one to kiss boo-boos, help with homework, and comfort him or her after a nightmare will cause you to attach to a child. Loving kids sacrificially so they can live in a safe and stable environment is a beautiful gift, and it comes with the hardship of goodbyes. If you fear getting attached and the pain that comes with saying goodbye to a foster child, remembering these 7 things can help.

Love without sacrifice is just a transaction.

Part of loving anyone means giving part of yourself. When you deeply, truly love someone, it means sacrifice. If you don’t have sacrifice, it’s likely that you were just checking a box and not investing fully into the relationship. Also remember that your love and sacrifice isn’t just for the child’s benefit. It feels good in your heart to be the one to give love to a child. The grief is evidence of your love.

The loss you feel isn’t because you’ve failed. It’s actually because you’ve succeeded!

Most children have the goal of reunifying with their biological families. In many cases, you are given the job to parent your foster children for a temporary time until everyone is ready to get back on track. When you feel the grief, remember it means you’ve done your job well by loving the child.

The attachment is what builds the resiliency.

When you attach with foster children, you are helping them build the resiliency skills that will help them in all the ups and downs of life ahead. Remember that you are resilient too; you’ve attached before and you can do it again—even after feeling this grief.

The work you’re doing can make a big impact on their future relationships.

Attaching with your foster children teaches and models what healthy attachment is so they can replicate it with their families and in their future relationships. You never know the ways your love and attachment will impact the kids you’ve fostered. Creating emotional stability, helping implement healthy coping skills, and giving a glimpse of a safe and loving family can be life-changing.

Fear of loss and being hurt doesn’t stop us from engaging in other relationships.

There is always a risk when we love and attach with people. Does the fear of loss and getting hurt stop you from making friends? Or does it keep you from dating or marriage or from having biological kids? Fearing loss shouldn’t prevent people from fostering, just like it doesn’t stop most people from having all types of relationships.

Most parenting has some sort of loss.

Part of being a parent is preparing yourself for all the transitions ahead. Your job is to work yourself out of a job—you want your kids to grow up to be independent and autonomous adults. Each stage can bring grief. Fostering is not the only type of parenting that triggers loss. It’s an inevitable part of caring for kids.

You are not alone.

Being a foster parent brings its own roller coaster journey. When the grief is hard, reach out to friends, family, and other foster parents who can help comfort you, spend some time supporting and listening to you, and even take something off your plate to help you in these transitions.

What are things you can do to cope with the losses and foster care attachment issues you experience?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

The post Is Goodbye Too Hard? Handling Attachment in Foster Care appeared first on iMOM.

Trauma can happen early, when there are frequent medical procedures or hospitalizations in the first few years of life, and when there’s abuse or neglect. And the most critical time of brain development actually happens in utero. Sometimes the worst trauma a child experiences happens during a difficult or stressful pregnancy. My precious baby had been born drug-addicted, had been exposed to domestic violence in the womb, and had multiple medical procedures as a result of his drug exposure and withdrawal. Since the brain can’t distinguish between good stress and bad stress, trauma can impact any child if there’s too much stress during pregnancy, or due to a premature birth or medical procedures or complications. But there are 5 things you need to know about a trauma-impacted child.

Typical parenting strategies will not work for this child.

Because trauma has “hardwired” the brain for fear and mistrust, these children are operating from the survival part of the brain, as opposed to the logical, reasoning, cause and effect part of the brain. Healing from the impact of trauma requires a connected, supportive, and creative approach to parenting that, although rarely intuitive, can be learned and implemented.

This child is often socially and emotionally delayed.

Stress hormones from a pregnant mom’s brain pour into the right side of the baby’s brain—the social and emotional part of the brain. This causes a social-emotional delay, which can be hard to understand, especially when the child is intellectually bright and physically looks his or her age. An example is the five-year-old who is told she can’t have a cookie because it’s too close to dinner. The response is to throw herself on the floor, kick her feet, pound her fists, and scream as if the world has come to an end—much more in keeping with a two-year-old’s tantrum. If, however, she can be parented in that moment like a two-year-old, her brain will record the positive experience and will developmentally progress.

This child needs a balance of structure and nurture.

It is important for healing that there be a static balance of structure and nurture in parenting. Structure allows a child to grow whereas nurture allows a child to connect. The balance of structure and nurture creates a predictable, safe, and loving environment while concurrently teaching values, boundaries, and expectations. It is a “sharing of power” as opposed to authoritarian rule which reinforces to the trauma-impacted brain that “you are not safe.” An example of this balance may be the parent saying, “I need you to use your words, not your behaviors, to tell me what you need. I want to meet your needs,” or, “I want to hear what you have to say. Can you say that again with respect?”

This child doesn’t think the way you think.

What the behavior “looks like” may not match the motive behind the behavior.  For example, let’s address lying—one of the most common parental grievances I hear. But is it actually lying? You ask the child if he took a cookie off the table. He says, “I didn’t,” to which you reply, “But buddy, I watched you do it.” “I didn’t do it!” This often leads to a lesson on honesty. But the trauma-impacted brain is very concrete. He didn’t take the cookie off the table; he took it off the napkin that’s on the table. It’s not lying—it’s the concrete brain at work! Thinking concretely is a developmental stage ordinarily followed by the ability to think more abstractly as the child enters the school years. Trauma delays this progress, so the concrete thinking remains much longer than with a typical child.

It’s not too late for this child to find healing.

It’s never too late to start parenting differently, and past mistakes can be corrected! So often I hear, “I’ve done it all wrong.” You didn’t mean to. You just didn’t know or understand the impact of trauma on child development. Don’t despair!  The brain is not fully developed until the age of about 25, so you have time left to bring healing to your kiddo’s brain. Shouldas, couldas, wouldas are counterproductive and defeating. We can’t change yesterday, but we can change today, tomorrow, and every future day to come. We serve a God who’s in the business of redemption and reconciliation—let’s be His agents of change in the little lives we’ve been tasked with raising.

Though there is an impact of trauma on child development, there is beauty in helping the trauma-impacted child. What do you think would be most rewarding for you and the child by fostering or adopting him or her?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

The post 5 Things You Need to Know About a Trauma-Impacted Child appeared first on iMOM.

You may be wondering if you are equipped to provide a home for a child of a different racial background. As significant as the need is, it’s not something to enter into blindly, assuming “well, at least the kid will have a good home.” Recent events in our culture remind us that issues of racial identity are important and complex. Here are 5 questions to ask yourself if you’re open to transracial adoption and fostering.

1. Is “race” a conversation stopper for you?

If your immediate response when reading the title of this article was to roll your eyes and get defensive because I’m “making race an issue,” then I’d kindly suggest you probably aren’t in a spot where transracial fostering and adoption makes sense.  Again, there are valid reasons to ask whether it’s right for you, but if you’re going to pursue it, you need to be open to conversations about race and identity.

2. Are you willing to learn?

An easy mistake to make is to assume that because you have very little experience with racial identity, you are unfit. I would argue that the ability to foster and adopt transracially certainly doesn’t require a degree in racial identity, but it does require humility, courage, and a willingness to learn. You can do that by reading books, connecting with local organizations, and finding mentors from your child’s racial group.

3. Will you expand your circle?

Most of us end up surrounded by people who look like us and, for the most part, have similar life experiences. However, if you are going to adopt transracially, it will be critical that you expand your circle to include people from this child’s racial group. Not only will this provide positive models for your children of people who resemble them, but it will create opportunities for you to learn about others’ life experiences and how their racial identity impacts their lives.

4. Can you ask for help?

If you are serious about doing this, you are going to need help. I’m part of a white family that has fostered kids from a variety of backgrounds. On several occasions, we’ve had little girls who are Black. The simple act of doing their hair was a cross-cultural experience for my wife. She had to be willing to do the work to find a local Black woman willing to teach her how to do the girls’ hair. This is a small thing, but it takes time, energy, and a willingness to ask for help. If you’re willing to say, “I don’t know, but I want to know,” there are often folks who are willing to step up.

5. Will you persevere?

Most of us go into foster and adoptive care knowing it won’t be easy. Transracial situations increase the challenge significantly. However, it’s often said that nothing worth doing is easy. There is a great need for families who are willing to provide a loving home for children who come from a different racial background. This is hard work. There will certainly be times when you’ll wonder if you made the right decision. But if you persevere, the payoff can be immense for both the child and you.

What other questions should someone considering transracial adoption or fostering be asking?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

The post Am I Equipped for Transracial Adoption and Fostering? appeared first on iMOM.

It’s compelling to know the real story, including the story behind adoption and fostering. So we asked a group of foster and adopted youth what they thought you should know about adoption and fostering kids. Here are the 4 things they want to tell you.

“Be prepared.”

When the adopted child was asked, “Prepared for what?” her reply was, “Problems. Any kid is going to have problems. And it’s not their fault.” (adoptee, female, age 15)

“Don’t baby them.”

“Don’t baby them [foster kids]. You don’t teach them anything that way.” (foster care, male, age 11)

“Be honest.”

“Be honest. It’s their life.” (adoptee, female, age 15)

“Tell them…”

“Tell them where their siblings are. That’s important.” (foster care, male, age 11)

Compelling behind the scenes statements to be sure. What are the two dominating themes from what they shared? They want to be both known and loved.

Preparation speaks to a desire, even before meeting a child, to know them. The adoptee who shared the thought about being prepared wasn’t speaking of just having appropriate clothing, toys, or toiletries ready before a child is placed in your home. She was sharing that we should be prepared for the problems.

We refer to those ‘problems’ as trauma, which comes from each of those children’s unique stories. The best way to prepare for the problems is to receive training on how to parent a traumatized child before they are placed in your home and be open to ongoing training once a child is placed in the home. This proactive preparation is just one way to show a foster or adoptive child that you know his or her real needs and are prepared to meet them.

When we truly love others, we are honest with them. Foster and adoptive children offer a wonderful opportunity to exhibit loving honesty even when it may be difficult. Honesty in the most difficult conversations, even about their past and personal story?

Yes, but these conversations must be age-appropriate and could require a licensed clinician to support the discussion. Honest discussions should always come from a place of love and respect for the child. Because in reality, foster and adopted children are just like you and me—they want to be both known and loved.

What quote impacted you the most?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

Thank you to The Sylvia Thomas Center https://sylviathomascenter.org/ for your assistance and to the amazing children you serve who shared their valuable insights.

The post 4 Things Former Foster and Adopted Kids Wish You Knew appeared first on iMOM.

We were one of the families who asked that question before fostering. We did end up taking the leap and opening our home to kids in need. Now my wife and I have a list of the positive effects of foster care on our biological children. Here are 5 you should be excited about if you’re considering becoming a foster family.

Sacrifice

Fostering gave our children opportunities to sacrifice. Whether it was sharing a toy, or even sharing us as their parents, our biological children chose in many different moments to sacrifice for the benefit of another child—one they weren’t even related to! This willingness to sacrifice for others is something our children will take with them into adulthood.

Perspective

Fostering also gave our children perspective. Our biological children saw firsthand that the world is a difficult and imperfect place. They learned about abuse, neglect, and abandonment. It might be scary to think about allowing your children to know that there’s evil in the world, but that knowledge is going to come to them eventually. By fostering, they learned we all can do something to make a positive difference. Yes, even kids.

Diversity

Fostering brought diversity into our home. Children who come into foster care match the children in our community—they’re diverse! Different ages, cultures, languages, races, and socioeconomic statuses are all represented in foster care.

Siblings

Fostering also gave our biological children a sibling! We adopted our daughter through fostering. The goal of fostering is reunification, for foster children to be safely reunified with their biological families. There are times, however, when this is no longer possible and adoption may become a possibility. Even if fostering doesn’t lead to adoption, the bonds kids form will last in their hearts.

Faith

Fostering gave our biological children an opportunity to live out their faith. When they themselves chose to love, care for, and sacrifice for a foster sibling, they were living out what it means for them to love their neighbor.

If you have fostered, what positive impacts did it have on your biological children?

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care for them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Your family’s foster or adoption journey can begin today! Learn more here.

The post The Positive Impact Fostering Has on Your Biological Children appeared first on iMOM.

Myth: It’s expensive.

Truth: This totally depends on you and your view of what’s “expensive”.

Financial support varies by state, but you will receive monthly financial assistance. This money is tax-free and intended to reimburse you for out-of-pocket expenses. State medical care is also provided. Other needs such as clothes, toys, school supplies, sports equipment, etc., are often donated to foster homes by local organizations. A simple search on Facebook or online will most likely reveal at least one, if not more, foster care ‘closets’ or local charities that give those types of items away for free to foster families. In fact, if you post a need on social media, you will most likely receive too much stuff for the child in your home!

Myth: You have no choice what child will be placed in your home.

Truth: You create a profile to determine your placement.

Although you won’t be choosing a specific child by name to be placed in your home, you will have the opportunity to create a profile. This profile allows you to set the maximum number of children you are willing to foster at a time, as well set some preferences for age, sex, and level of medical/physical needs your family can handle based on circumstances and experience. Just remember, the child will most likely have 0% input on the family they are placed with and is probably more nervous about you than you are about them.

Myth: If you say no to the placement you will be put on the bottom of the waiting list.

Truth: There is no waiting list for foster families.

There is probably not a single county or state in the United States where there is a waiting list of foster families. As children enter the foster care system, child welfare agencies need foster families who will say ‘yes’ to THEM. Foster care systems honor and respect a family’s right to say no. They would rather a family say no to a placement that may not be a good fit than have a child be placed and have to move again to another foster home.

Myth: The need is only for families willing to care for older children.

Truth: Every family willing to foster is needed.

Make no mistake; the BIGGEST need is for families willing to care for teens and sibling groups. But the need for families willing to care for any age child is universal, as we are experiencing a foster care crisis. Whether you can foster a baby or a teen, you ARE needed.

Myth: One person can’t really make that big of a difference.

Truth: If you foster, you make a big difference for that child.

On any given day, there are nearly 443,000 children in foster care in the United States or over 4,700 children in South Carolina alone. Can one foster parent, one foster family, really make a difference? It may not seem like it when you compare one family to 443,000 or even 4,700. But it only takes one family for the one child waiting in the office tonight for a family to accept them. One person, one family, YOU, can make a difference.

Don’t believe the myths surrounding foster care. Connect with a local expert in your area and learn the truth about fostering.

Did you know that over 1,000 children and teens enter the foster care system each month in the state of Florida? They are in need of safe, loving, and committed foster families who can care of them while they are removed from their homes. Would you consider opening your heart and home to care? Learn more about becoming a foster parent by visiting MyFloridaMyFamily or by calling 1-83-FosterFL or 1-833-678-3735.

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