Maybe you’re not trying to have another baby, but you and your husband are in a dry spell caused by your kids’ need for attention or insatiable nosiness. A weekend away is great, but how often can you really do that? When you have no time for sex (and no privacy), it’s time to get creative with these 5 ways to sneak in alone time with your husband.

1. Tell the kids you need privacy to plan a surprise.

This works for a friend of mine. She and her husband tell their three kids, “Mommy and Daddy have an idea for something fun we can do as a family, but we need time to plan it.” They’ve already made that plan (go see a movie, get ice cream at the new shop), and they use the “meeting time” more wisely. They even tell the kids that interruptions or eavesdropping mean they call off the surprise.

2. Become lunchtime lovers.

Who says a date can’t happen at noon? If you or your husband have the flexibility to work from home or come home in the middle of the day, schedule a “business lunch.” The house will be quiet, and you’ll probably both go back to work with a better attitude.

3. Take a nap (or don’t).

For some parents, the problem isn’t that they have no time for sex—it’s that they have no energy. You can take one of two approaches to utilizing naptime for sex.

Option one: Instead of looking at your kids’ Saturday afternoon nap as a chance for you and your husband to get 30 minutes alone, take a power nap or close your eyes and take deep breaths to recharge. Option two: If you’re not a napper because you can’t slow your mind, and all you do is count the minutes until you have to wake up (or is that just me?), crank up the white noise machine, and lock your door. You might not have time for a full rendezvous, but it could be enough to reignite the flame.

4. Strategize with your sitter.

Planning an actual date night? If you have young kids, agree with your sitter that you’re staying out until the kids are asleep. She can give you the all-clear so romance doesn’t have to hit the brakes when you pull in the driveway.

If you have kids who, by sheer willpower, stay awake until they’re properly tucked in and smooched by you, all hope is not lost. Before you leave to go out, ask the sitter to take them for ice cream while you and your husband “get ready.” By the way, don’t tell your sitter why you’re doing these things. That would be weird.

5. Think outside the bedroom.

If you have older kids and that awkward “I know they know what we’re doing” feeling is making it hard to focus, a change of scenery could be your best bet. A friend has told me that she and her husband sneak off to the laundry room on occasion because their bedroom shares a wall with the kids’ bedroom. I don’t know about you, but my kids stay far away from the laundry room, so that sounds like an ideal spot! Maybe in your house it’s the walk-in-closet or basement. Love knows no bounds!

If none of these ideas would work for you, remember this…

If you have no time for sex and no privacy, remember that your kids knowing that you and your husband love each other and desire one another isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a wonderful thing because it will give them a sense of security. So don’t freak out if you get walked in on, or your older kids give you the side-eye at breakfast. Your kids and your marriage are going to be just fine.

Got any creative ideas to sneak in time with your husband when the kids are always around?

The post 5 Ways to Sneak in Sex When the Kids Are Always Around appeared first on iMOM.

“I’ll be upstairs!” I announce and take a step. But then he says, “Wait! I can mute it while you read!” This choose-your-own-adventure has taken a turn. What would you do? Marriage is so much like a team sport—you have to work together to win. Here are 5 plays for a stronger marriage that emerges victorious at the end of the day.

1. Make time to huddle.

If you ever played on a sports team when you were younger, you know the huddle is when players come together to discuss what’s working and what isn’t. And usually, a new strategy is put in place. The team then does a cheer and heads back to the game.

Taking a time out of the busyness of your day to huddle with your husband is a good strategy as well. How’s our parenting strategy working? What can we do better? These short breaks to come together to discuss concerns and goals work. Listen to each other, take turns leading the huddle, be honest with your feelings, and work together to tackle the challenges that might thwart your winning team.

2. Train with empathy.

Players naturally form friendships by talking and hanging out on the bench, in the locker room, or after a game. Smart coaches know that an emotional connection among players can translate into a winning record.

In marriage, building a trusting, emotional connection based on empathy can be a game changer. Empathizing with what your spouse is going through and validating his emotions is going to strengthen your connection. Work to understand each other’s perspective and it’ll be easier to provide the support and encouragement you both need. (OK, the World Series is kind of a big deal and only comes around once a year. I’ll join him on the couch.)

3. Incorporate team-building activities.

My daughter’s swim team has had pasta nights, poster-making afternoons, and themed swims where everyone shows up in costume. They’re fun activities, and a little silly too, but they bring the team closer together. For a stronger marriage, you have to prioritize fun activities too. My husband has one rule for our “team building” time together: No talking about the kids!

Maybe you take a cooking class together, or volunteer for a cause you both care about? Come up with a bucket list of activities for this season. Team building with your husband is going to make sure you’re playing on the same side—and not against each other.

4. Support each other to win.

As our high school volleyball team captain, I usually ran the timeouts and talked rapid-fire about our next move. When our strategy worked and we all gelled on the court, we put down point after point. But sometimes, I had to revise our plan and run different plays. Not a problem—by flexing to support each other, we could still come back to win.

Game plans can change. Think about your marriage. Have things always turned out the way you wanted? Probably not. But that’s OK. It’s part of life. We have to be willing to talk and revise plans—even if it’s a little humbling when things don’t go the way we’d hoped. When your husband knows he has your support, he feels loved and respected. He’s likely to show you the same support and follow your lead.

5. Celebrate victories together.

My husband and I like to give each other a fist bump or high five here and there. It’s goofy, but I think getting our kids to bed early is worth celebrating. When we take a moment to celebrate the little victories in our day, it makes me feel like we’re in this crazy parenting journey together. And having someone on my side just feels good.

Whether it’s a big victory like a pay raise or a little one like getting your child to eat her peas, celebrate it. When your team wins, it brings you closer together making you really feel like a couple with a stronger marriage—and one that’s on the same, amazing, winning team.

For fun, try our 14-Day “What If…” Marriage Challenge. It’s a game you both can win—together!

For a stronger marriage, what can you and your husband do this weekend to celebrate your most recent wins?

The post 5 Winning Plays for a Stronger Marriage appeared first on iMOM.

I’ve tried many different responses to being in this kind of funk, many of which didn’t help or even made things worse. But I’ve also found a few that work well to help us find our groove again. When you experience a breakdown in communication in marriage, try one or more of these 5 things and see if they work for you too.

1. Bed and Breakfast

Go to bed early and plan to go out to breakfast the next morning, just the two of you. A little extra sleep followed by some time to yourselves can do wonders. So rather than going out on a Friday night when you’re both drained, enjoy eating a nice breakfast together while having an opportunity to talk before the demands of the day begin. Or if it’s more relaxing to stay home, have breakfast in bed!

2. An “OK Day”

Psychology Today reports that “being agreeable and selfless can rub off on people—seeing a person getting along and doing good can perpetuate kindness.” With this in mind, try for one whole day to just be agreeable. This means saying “OK” to whatever your husband expresses, explains, or needs that day. It’s just one day! It can diffuse the cycle of constant disagreement, thus hitting the “reset button” on your communication with one another.

3. Having Sex

While it may seem implausible to have sex when you’re not seeing eye to eye, it might be just what the doctor ordered! A study done by Curr Opin Psychiatry examined the effect oxytocin—a hormone produced in the brain as a result of sex—has on people. Apparently, it has lots of relationship benefits, like “trust, gazing, empathy, positive relationship memories, fidelity, and positive communication.” Bingo! Now I know this isn’t always easy to initiate when you don’t feel like it. But make the choice to try it, and see how it helps break down the barrier.

4. “Just Because” Check-Ins

Sometimes in the normal day-in and day-out rush and routines, conversation with our husbands becomes centered around getting things done and solving problems—like who’s taking the kids to soccer or a reminder to pick up dog food. But HealthLine.com recommends regular check-ins throughout the day to let your husband know how you’re doing and you’re thinking of him. Don’t allow these check-ins to be about anything else—just sweetly and simply checking in will help soften and deepen communication between you.

5. Create Your Own Dictionary

It took me some time to figure out that when my husband says something is “not bad,” he actually means that it’s pretty good! I used to take such offense to that phrasing. He’d use it to describe a new recipe or a new outfit I wore. Then one day I came straight out and asked, “What do you mean when you say it’s ‘not bad’?” Focus on the Family explains how, as a couple, it’s beneficial to create your own dictionary to avoid miscommunication. This week, ask your husband for his definition of a word or phrase you think could have a different meaning to you.

How do you resolve breakdown in communication in marriage?

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Aside from the normal stuff like bills, work, and what to eat for dinner, having a child can cause a considerable amount of stress. But protecting your marriage is important. Here are 5 ways to do that when kids are putting stress on your marriage.

1. Set boundaries and limits.

When one of our kids is going through something, I want to talk to my husband about it…a lot. But for him, it’s too much. Too much analyzing, ruminating, and discussion of any topic involving our kids stresses him out. We’ve had to set limits.

If your worries about your kids spread into every aspect of your life, it can put stress on your marriage. Obviously, if something’s going on, it’s important to talk about it. But for the sake of your relationship, you may want to set some boundaries such as no discussion about the kids after 8. Or let’s not bring up difficult conversations once we’re in bed.

2. Support each other in front of them.

You and your husband are a team. Not supporting each other, especially when the kids are watching, can put stress on marriage. Even if you don’t agree on everything (and who does?), it’s still important to be a unified front. It gives children a sense of safety and security when they see their parents getting along. If you disagree with your husband, bring it up later in private. Give him grace in the moment and by the time you raise the issue later, you’ll be calmer, and the discussion will probably go a lot smoother.

3. Maintain kid-free time in your relationship.

If your kids are with you all day (and possibly all night), you’re probably missing out on quality time to connect with your husband. Having kid-free time together is like peanut butter between two slices of bread. How else will the sandwich stick together?

When you’re working so hard to be a good mom, it can be easy to forget who you were before having kids and what your romantic relationship was like. But here’s your reminder to not forget! Carve out time to spend with your husband this week, and make plans to have fun together. When you’re connected emotionally with your spouse, there’s less room for the stresses of parenting to impact your relationship.

4. Separate your kid’s stress from you.

Twice a year, my daughter has a piano recital. And for the week leading up to both performances, she’s a total stress ball. I get nervous for her too, but when I absorb her stress, it tends to make things worse for my daughter—and my husband.

“Psychological research has shown that stress and anxiety are contagious,” says clinical neuropsychologist William Stixrud. And being able to hold our kids’ stress at a distance and not let it affect us is super hard. But if we’re a calm presence for our kids, it’ll carry over to our other relationships. Let’s not add extra stress on our marriage.

5. Seek balance in your life and your marriage.

On a family trip to NYC, my husband took the kids to a Broadway show in the afternoon while I visited an art museum. I could’ve sat through the kid musical, but I’m glad I didn’t. I had a great time on my own, going at my own pace and looking at the Van Goghs and Monets. I didn’t realize how much I needed that space. At the end of the day, I was eager to see my family again and felt grateful for the time alone to recharge.

When you have room to breathe, to think about your needs, and to focus on yourself and your marriage, the whole family benefits. It’s about finding a good balance with all that you have going on in life. Parenting is stressful, but you don’t have to live in a constant state of stress. It’s not healthy for anyone, and it’s definitely not good for your marriage.

What causes stress on marriage aside from parenting?

The post 5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage From the Stresses of Parenting appeared first on iMOM.

I don’t know any couple immune to tiffs over things like speed, temperature, or choosing a parking spot, but you can bring peace to your drive time. Since you’re probably not hiring a chauffeur any time soon, here’s what’s behind the fights and 4 things you can do to reduce the car-nage when you and your husband ride together.

First, which of these reasons couples argue in the car sounds most familiar?

In a survey by HideThatScratch.com, both men and women were asked what riles them up the most.

86% (so nearly everyone) said their spouse showing road rage enrages them.
80% said speed. Driving too fast (or too slow) got their heart racing.
60% of the women said him not asking for directions. Stereotype: reinforced.

Also in the top five—spouses criticizing their driving and disagreeing over what comes through the speakers.

What’s really driving those fights?

The passenger is uncomfortable not having control.

Research by Ittner, Mühlbacher, and Weisswange published in 2020 found that feelings of anxiety or discomfort can be caused by the passenger believing the situation is dangerous even if it’s not. When my husband (who’s been driving for 40 years and has never rear-ended someone) waits a millisecond too long to hit the brakes, I suck in a quick bit of air. I feel unsafe and exposed because I’m in this metal box going 60 miles per hour and have no control over whether we stop or plow into that semi. What he hears when I gasp is, You dummy. Don’t you know how to drive? I can’t trust you. And that’s a heavy blow to the man who loves me and would protect me at all costs.

Your nervous systems are mismatched.

The nervous systems of the driver and passenger also play a role in reasons couples argue in the car. I see this every time my husband gets within five minutes of a destination he’s unfamiliar with. He aggressively turns down whatever we’re listening to, and I say, “Dude! Chill.” (He doesn’t seem to like that.)

A driver is on high alert, focused on the road, and ready to react quickly. This can make him tense and defensive. Passengers, on the other hand, are usually more relaxed. This inequality in how stressed each person feels can easily lead to arguments.

There are unresolved issues you’ve brought into the drive.

The passive-aggressive language you were throwing at your husband about your mother-in-law while you were in your kitchen could turn into full aggression once you’re in the car and feel agitated by his driving or a traffic jam. If you’re ready to rumble before you even get in the car, being stuck in a metal capsule with nowhere to escape can cause frustrations to simmer and erupt.

Here’s how to shift gears from bickering to bonding.

Speak gently and avoid generalizations: Instead of sweeping accusations, like “You ALWAYS drive way too fast. You’re gonna get us killed!” try “Hey babe, I know you have control of the car, but I’d feel safer if you drove a little slower.”

Leave the baggage at home: Don’t use car time to rehash a fight you had earlier. The confined space ratchets up the stress level.

Go in prepared: Does he like to blast the air? Bring a sweater or keep a blanket stashed in the car. Running late to a dinner party? Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that barking at him that he missed a quicker route isn’t worth it. Close your eyes during the ride if you need to.

Look at drives together as opportunities to grow: Conflict in the car gives you a chance to practice empathy, compromise, and most importantly, laugh at yourselves. Do this, and you’ll be on your way from relationship gridlock to greenlight in no time.

What causes the most fights in the car for you and your husband?

The post 4 Ways to Hit the Brakes on Fights in the Car appeared first on iMOM.

I still wouldn’t mind flowers. But I know I need to do better with recognizing my husband for all the little things. Appreciating others is good for any relationship! Have your signals crossed with your husband too? Let’s get back on track together. Here are 5 ways to show you appreciate your husband for a healthier, stronger relationship.

1. Be timely.

Last week, my husband volunteered to join me for an extra church service. I was really glad he came! That night, I said, “Thanks for coming with me today. It meant a lot.” He nodded. “You’re welcome,” he said. “But it would’ve been nice if you said something earlier—like right after we left church.” Ouch. I told him I’d work on that.

In the workforce, it’s good practice to offer timely appreciation of colleagues. Economics professor Paul J. Zak says appreciating and recognizing someone “immediately after a goal has been met” has the biggest impact and builds trust. I’m going to apply that wisdom in my marriage to keep our ship sailing smoothly too.

Take action: Say thank you as soon as you can. When you appreciate your husband, you make him feel good for what he does, and it strengthens your relationship.

2. Pay attention to him.

How many of us half-listen to our husbands while multitasking? I know I do. I mean, come on. I have dinner going while trying to help our daughter with her math homework (didn’t he notice?)! I know the right thing to do is to stop and pause and look at him, but I don’t always do it.

Take action: Fully face your husband and make eye contact when he speaks. Use the active listening technique of repeating his words back to him so he knows you’re paying attention. This shows you respect and appreciate your husband for what he has to say.

3. Change your perspective.

Try seeing love the way he does. A friend of mine admitted she’s not a very touchy person, but because her husband is, she tries to squeeze his arm or put a palm on his back when they’re together. In my home, I’m trying to dust and sweep more because my husband appreciates “acts of service” as a sign of love.

Take action: Figure out what his love language is. If he appreciates words of affirmation, compliment him. Make effort to point out what you notice each day. “I appreciate you emptying the dishwasher.”

4. Tell him you love him.

My next-door neighbor lost her husband during the pandemic, and she told me she misses having him next to her in bed at night. They always used to say “I love you” before drifting off to sleep. Maybe you’ve been married for a while, and these words don’t roll off your tongue as often. But maybe they should? Telling your husband you love him lets him know you appreciate having him in your life.

Try our Rekindle Your Marriage Challenge for inspiration!

Take action: For a healthy relationship, express your love often and let him know you appreciate and value him. Also, show your love. Maybe it’s a snuggle on the couch, spooning in bed, or picking up after the dog.

5. Nevertheless, offer kindness.

The possibility exists that your husband has given up doing nice things because he feels unappreciated. Maybe it’s been an on-going, weeks-long thing and he’s been quiet and sullen. It would help your relationship to find words of appreciation and love. Someone has to get the ball rolling again. And as humbling as it might be, why not make the first move? You never know—it might be reciprocated.

Take action: “Hey, I know I haven’t always said so, but I appreciate all you do. I don’t take you for granted.” Along with these words, try to accept him for who he is and remind yourself that no one is perfect.

What other ways do you show you appreciate your husband?

The post 5 Ways to Show You Appreciate Your Husband appeared first on iMOM.

If Sara and Chris’s evening sounds familiar, it’s OK. Even the strongest bonds can experience periods of emotional distance. Life throws us curveballs, routines settle in, and sometimes, connections get lost in the shuffle. But it’s important to recognize signs of emotional detachment in marriage and take steps to reconnect. If you want your marriage to get over this hump, here’s how to do it.

What’s emotional detachment in marriage?

So, emotional connection is like playing catch. You throw a feeling or thought (“I’m feeling overwhelmed today”), and your partner catches it (listens and tries to understand). Emotional detachment is when the game stops. Maybe you don’t feel like throwing anymore (withdrawing), or your partner isn’t catching what you’re throwing (not listening or seeming distant).

What can cause emotional detachment in a marriage?

According to marriage.com, it’s a mix of things, really. Sometimes, it’s leftover fights we haven’t quite dealt with, or maybe we just haven’t been talking much lately. Of course, bigger things can play a role, too, like if there’s been infidelity or someone’s been struggling with addiction. Even mental health stuff like depression or anxiety can make it hard to connect. Then there are bad habits that build up over time, like always avoiding tough conversations or shutting down when you should talk it out.

What are the signs of emotional detachment in marriage? And better yet, how can you overcome it?

1. Conversations are disappearing.

Those long, late-night talks when you shared everything used to be a highlight of your marriage. Now, conversations feel forced, filled with logistical details or polite small talk. Maybe you find yourself confiding in friends or family more than your husband.

Reignite the spark by scheduling dedicated talking time. Set aside 10 minutes each day, distraction-free, to simply talk. No phones, no TV, just focused conversation. Take turns choosing topics, or use prompts like “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” Our Conversation Starter Printable has 76 questions to choose from. And practice active listening. Give your husband your full attention, make eye contact, and ask clarifying questions to show you’re engaged.

2. You feel like a lonely roommate.

You share a living space, but evenings are spent in separate corners, engrossed in whatever pursuit has your attention this month. Sex may have dwindled, or it feels more like a chore than a connection.

Evict the roommate and get your husband back by planning quality time together. If a date night isn’t possible, try to “do life” together more. Sit next to each other on the bleachers at your daughter’s volleyball game. Do the week’s grocery shopping together while your kids play at the neighbor’s. Be intentional about physical touch. Non-sexual affection like holding hands, cuddling while watching TV, or giving a quick kiss on the cheek can be a powerful way to reconnect.

3. There’s an emotional wall.

You feel like you can’t share your true feelings with your husband. He seems uninterested or dismissive when you try to express yourself, leading you to bottle things up.

Break down the barriers by starting small. Pick a manageable topic and share your feelings calmly and clearly using “I” statements: Instead of accusatory statements like “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel hurt when I try to talk and you seem distracted.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about where your marriage is right now…

Find comfort knowing this happens to many couples, and feeling emotionally detached doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Taking the initiative to address emotional distance is a powerful act of love and commitment to your marriage.

What makes you feel emotionally connected to your husband?

The post 3 Signs of Emotional Detachment and How to Come Back Together appeared first on iMOM.

Mystery 1: Why do some married people respond to marriage advice while others don’t?

Mystery 2: Why would someone get a divorce without first seeking help?

Mystery 3: What makes some couples thrive, some quit, and others just survive?

Surprisingly, I found the answers when I wasn’t looking. While studying Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on what makes happy couples happy, I learned that happy couples think in a way unhappy couples don’t. It also revealed the No. 1 reason some marriages grow, and others don’t.

For your marriage to grow, you must have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.

The Two Mindsets

A growth mindset says, “I’m open to the idea that my thinking may need adjustment.”

A fixed mindset says, “It is what it is.”

This explains why some people change from marriage enrichment, and others don’t; why some take advice while others won’t; and why some people are happy, and others aren’t. Even if you are struggling, especially if you are struggling, would you be open to having a growth mindset?

Let me give you an example of the power of a mindset shift.

Shifting Your Mindset

Over the course of our marriage, two of my close family members died within a two-year period. One was 26, and one was 49. I was devastated, to say the least. But out of this tragedy, we gained some perspective that has mattered to our marriage. When we are faced with challenging situations or difficulties, as tempting as it is to catastrophize the moment, instead, we often repeat: “We know tragedy, and this ain’t it.”

For instance, while checking into a hotel, I discovered I had booked it for the wrong night. While there was a room available, the rate was double. Here’s the relational math: My mistake, plus Nancie’s shrewdness with money, could have equaled her saying, “Are you kidding me right now?” Instead, when I called, her response to my mistake was, “Hey, we know tragedy, and this ain’t it.” This only happened because Nancie had a growth mindset. She leveraged this painful season in our lives to learn how to love me better. These types of moments matter greatly to our marriages.

Ladies, when you think about your marriage, do you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? Does your mindset say, “I’m open to the idea that my thinking may need adjustment?” Or does your mindset say that “it is what it is?”

When was a time you changed your mindset and it changed your marriage?

The post The No. 1 Reason Some Marriages Grow and Others Don’t appeared first on iMOM.

As moms, we can sometimes take on our kids’ emotional burdens about the new school year even though they aren’t ours to carry. Unfortunately, that’s not the only situation experienced during the back-to-school season that can increase arguments or misunderstandings with your husband. See how to overcome 5 common drivers of stress in marriage when the kids head back to the classroom.

1. The Mental Load Overload

If moms could put running shoes on our brains, the back-to-school season would be the time to lace up. We’ve got a lot dashing around in our heads right now. School supplies shopping, scheduling and taking the kids to doctor’s appointments, filling out all the school forms, and memorizing the new bus schedules. Oh, and this is in addition to our usual stuff. It’s no wonder we snap a bit more at our husbands, which we all know increases stress in marriage.

Solution: Share the mental load with your husband. Sit down, create a list of what needs to get done, and decide together who will do what. For example, my husband schedules all the appointments, and I take the girls. He also fills out all the back-to-school forms. Establish clear expectations. And, Mom, let go—even if your husband does it differently than you would.

2. The Time Crunch

Getting back into the swing of school schedules can be a bit bumpy as everyone adjusts. And, between early morning buses or drop-offs, after-school activities starting back up, and homework battles, there’s little room for quality time as a couple. This can leave you and your husband feeling disconnected from each other. However, it’s vital to prioritize your relationship, even in the middle of the chaos, to keep you centered on your most important relationship.

Solution: To increase connection and decrease stress in a marriage, redefine what quality time with each other looks like. A date night is great, but it’s not the only way to stay connected. Meaningful time together could be sitting on the sidelines talking about your day while your kid’s at soccer practice or FaceTiming while you each sit in different cars at different practice fields. Or it could be a mini check-in during the day with a heartfelt text.

3. The “Invisible Partner” Feeling

With kids demanding constant attention (and the barrage of school emails filling your inbox), it’s easy to feel you’re single-handedly managing the back-to-school transition. And while for some moms, this can leave us with that mental load overload mentioned above, for others, we thrive. Back to school becomes classified as a “mom and kids” zone. This could leave your husband feeling left out as he tries to figure out how to fit in. Your husband might wonder if he is doing enough as a parent.

Solution: Check in with your husband. Even if you’ve always handled this part of parenting, he may still feel invisible or left out. Listen to him and his needs. Ask for specific ways he wants to be involved, and then commit to stepping back so he can step forward.

4. The Financial Pinch

Even if you saved every half-used pencil and glue stick and fumigated last year’s backpack to use again, this time of year comes at a cost. New clothes, school supplies, and extracurricular fees can lead to financial strain and arguments.

Solution: Plan and budget together. You can find many back-to-school budget calculators to help you estimate costs.

5. The “Identity Shift” Struggle

During your kids-in-school era, it’s easy to lose yourself in your “mom” identity. You become “Aidan’s mom,” “Room Mom,” “Team Mom,” and, of course, just “Mom.” Your kids need more of you during the school year, which can sometimes leave your own goals and needs being set aside. Feeling lost or unfulfilled can lead you to withdraw emotionally and increase irritability, especially toward your husband.

Solution: Social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn found that men and women share this belief: “If my spouse is willing to make the effort to take care of herself/himself, it means they care about me—and if they aren’t willing to make that effort, it means they don’t really care about me.” So, take care of yourself. Carve out space for things you love to do. And encourage your husband to do the same.

During the back-to-school season, what causes you and your husband stress? How do you handle it?

The post How to Beat 5 Back-to-School Stressors That Strain Marriages appeared first on iMOM.

It’s easy to let the days slip by, lost in our separate worlds. It’s also easier to stew about things than to bring them up. It can even be easier to find love and comfort in friends or our children instead of our husbands. Checking out of marriage is easy. But if you want a better marriage, think about these 3 things first—before taking the easy way out.

1. Positive interactions create more positive interactions.

“I’m glad you’re back,” I said. My husband had just walked through the door after being away for a week and I could hardly contain my excitement. My human dish washer had returned! My fellow Uber driver could resume tomorrow! A bedtime before midnight started to look more like a reality.

Buuuuuuuut.

I first made him a snack in the kitchen and sat down on a kitchen stool to hear a bit about his trip. The thing is, when we create positive interactions with our spouses, we encourage and invite positive interactions in return. And it becomes a cycle of goodwill. It’s not always easy to do, especially when we’re tired, hungry, cranky or all three. But positive interactions build on each other, creating a foundation of trust and kindness that are likely to multiply.

Bottom line: Take the time to find out more about what’s happening in your husband’s world.

2. Women’s health benefits from a good marriage.

“Marriage is associated with better health, but chronically distressed marriages can worsen health,” said researcher Rosie Shrout in a study at The Ohio State University. This means that daily arguments with your husband can have a seriously negative affect on your immune system and general wellbeing. If finances or childcare are a persistent source of conflict between you two, it’s time to figure out how to get past this wall.

The study revealed that poor communication patterns along with more negative interactions on a day-to-day basis led to fewer positive emotions and wounds that healed more slowly. Shrout said that “[C]hronic negativity and acute negativity had emotional, relational and immune effects—most notably for women.” So, for your own welfare, instead of checking out of marriage, make the effort to address tough topics with your husband and try to work through them.

Bottom line: Fight the urge to be negative or critical, and try to understand your husband’s point of view.

3. Staying involved in your marriage benefits your kids now and in the future.

We all go through seasons in marriage. And when we’re raising kids, it’s easy to put our marriage on the back burner so we can focus on them.

But our kids are watching. By working on our marriage, we’ll be good role models for them. They’ll learn what a loving, respectful relationship looks like and, according to research published in the journal Demography, they’ll be less likely to escape our homes for an early marriage of their own. In other words, they will be more likely to wait for the right person to marry. The study also noted that “when parents love each other, they tend to invest more in their children, leading to children remaining in education longer.” It’s another benefit for our kids if we work on our own marriage now.

Bottom line: To give your children the best possible outcome in life, put time into your marriage.

Rather than checking out of marriage, what can you do today to work toward a more loving relationship?

The post 3 Things to Do When You’re Tempted to Check Out of Your Marriage appeared first on iMOM.