“I’ll be upstairs!” I announce and take a step. But then he says, “Wait! I can mute it while you read!” This choose-your-own-adventure has taken a turn. What would you do? Marriage is so much like a team sport—you have to work together to win. Here are 5 plays for a stronger marriage that emerges victorious at the end of the day.

1. Make time to huddle.

If you ever played on a sports team when you were younger, you know the huddle is when players come together to discuss what’s working and what isn’t. And usually, a new strategy is put in place. The team then does a cheer and heads back to the game.

Taking a time out of the busyness of your day to huddle with your husband is a good strategy as well. How’s our parenting strategy working? What can we do better? These short breaks to come together to discuss concerns and goals work. Listen to each other, take turns leading the huddle, be honest with your feelings, and work together to tackle the challenges that might thwart your winning team.

2. Train with empathy.

Players naturally form friendships by talking and hanging out on the bench, in the locker room, or after a game. Smart coaches know that an emotional connection among players can translate into a winning record.

In marriage, building a trusting, emotional connection based on empathy can be a game changer. Empathizing with what your spouse is going through and validating his emotions is going to strengthen your connection. Work to understand each other’s perspective and it’ll be easier to provide the support and encouragement you both need. (OK, the World Series is kind of a big deal and only comes around once a year. I’ll join him on the couch.)

3. Incorporate team-building activities.

My daughter’s swim team has had pasta nights, poster-making afternoons, and themed swims where everyone shows up in costume. They’re fun activities, and a little silly too, but they bring the team closer together. For a stronger marriage, you have to prioritize fun activities too. My husband has one rule for our “team building” time together: No talking about the kids!

Maybe you take a cooking class together, or volunteer for a cause you both care about? Come up with a bucket list of activities for this season. Team building with your husband is going to make sure you’re playing on the same side—and not against each other.

4. Support each other to win.

As our high school volleyball team captain, I usually ran the timeouts and talked rapid-fire about our next move. When our strategy worked and we all gelled on the court, we put down point after point. But sometimes, I had to revise our plan and run different plays. Not a problem—by flexing to support each other, we could still come back to win.

Game plans can change. Think about your marriage. Have things always turned out the way you wanted? Probably not. But that’s OK. It’s part of life. We have to be willing to talk and revise plans—even if it’s a little humbling when things don’t go the way we’d hoped. When your husband knows he has your support, he feels loved and respected. He’s likely to show you the same support and follow your lead.

5. Celebrate victories together.

My husband and I like to give each other a fist bump or high five here and there. It’s goofy, but I think getting our kids to bed early is worth celebrating. When we take a moment to celebrate the little victories in our day, it makes me feel like we’re in this crazy parenting journey together. And having someone on my side just feels good.

Whether it’s a big victory like a pay raise or a little one like getting your child to eat her peas, celebrate it. When your team wins, it brings you closer together making you really feel like a couple with a stronger marriage—and one that’s on the same, amazing, winning team.

For fun, try our 14-Day “What If…” Marriage Challenge. It’s a game you both can win—together!

For a stronger marriage, what can you and your husband do this weekend to celebrate your most recent wins?

The post 5 Winning Plays for a Stronger Marriage appeared first on iMOM.

Mystery 1: Why do some married people respond to marriage advice while others don’t?

Mystery 2: Why would someone get a divorce without first seeking help?

Mystery 3: What makes some couples thrive, some quit, and others just survive?

Surprisingly, I found the answers when I wasn’t looking. While studying Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on what makes happy couples happy, I learned that happy couples think in a way unhappy couples don’t. It also revealed the No. 1 reason some marriages grow, and others don’t.

For your marriage to grow, you must have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.

The Two Mindsets

A growth mindset says, “I’m open to the idea that my thinking may need adjustment.”

A fixed mindset says, “It is what it is.”

This explains why some people change from marriage enrichment, and others don’t; why some take advice while others won’t; and why some people are happy, and others aren’t. Even if you are struggling, especially if you are struggling, would you be open to having a growth mindset?

Let me give you an example of the power of a mindset shift.

Shifting Your Mindset

Over the course of our marriage, two of my close family members died within a two-year period. One was 26, and one was 49. I was devastated, to say the least. But out of this tragedy, we gained some perspective that has mattered to our marriage. When we are faced with challenging situations or difficulties, as tempting as it is to catastrophize the moment, instead, we often repeat: “We know tragedy, and this ain’t it.”

For instance, while checking into a hotel, I discovered I had booked it for the wrong night. While there was a room available, the rate was double. Here’s the relational math: My mistake, plus Nancie’s shrewdness with money, could have equaled her saying, “Are you kidding me right now?” Instead, when I called, her response to my mistake was, “Hey, we know tragedy, and this ain’t it.” This only happened because Nancie had a growth mindset. She leveraged this painful season in our lives to learn how to love me better. These types of moments matter greatly to our marriages.

Ladies, when you think about your marriage, do you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? Does your mindset say, “I’m open to the idea that my thinking may need adjustment?” Or does your mindset say that “it is what it is?”

When was a time you changed your mindset and it changed your marriage?

The post The No. 1 Reason Some Marriages Grow and Others Don’t appeared first on iMOM.

But here’s the thing—all relationships need the same things, regardless of who’s in them. Time, effort, sharing… So what if you take some of the tried and true ways to connect with your child and apply them to your guy? Check out these 5 kid-tested ideas, and try working them into your marriage.

1. Use physical closers and heart closers.

If you feel like you’ve forgotten how to connect with your husband because you’ve grown apart, this idea our contributor Anna originally shared with moms of teens is what you need. The first step is closing the physical distance between you two. Plan a date night or go to bed at the same time.

But don’t stop there! Being around each other is not the same as being together. You need a heart closer, too. When you go on your date, talk about things that are on your heart. If you go to bed at the same time, don’t give your phones your attention. Talk about your day, rest your head on your husband’s chest, and tell him you like being close to him.

2. Get out the feelings wheel.

After my friend Chloe’s baby was born, she and her husband (both overtired and adjusting to life as new parents) struggled to communicate their needs. She said, “Abby! We printed iMOM’s Feelings Wheel, and it works!”

Our free printable feelings wheel is colorful and fun to use with kids, but don’t brush it off as juvenile. Labeling what you’re feeling more accurately could be the difference between saying “I don’t feel loved by you,” and “I don’t feel accepted by you.” The latter gives your husband more to work with and can help him get to the heart of what you need.

3. Get interested in what he’s interested in.

Do you have a child who’s interested in a hobby that’s just not your thing? One of my boys is obsessed with football and prides himself on all the stats he can rattle off. I couldn’t tell you the name of the QB for our city’s NFL team. But if I turn on a game and ask him to explain a rule to me, he lights up.

This is a great idea for how to connect with your husband, too. If he loves to golf, watch it with him on Sunday. (You might fall asleep, but golf is excellent napping TV.) No spare time? Try just making conversation. Ask your husband what got him into golf in the first place.

Here’s what our contributor Corrie did to connect with her Pokémon-loving child. Follow her lead for different ways to show interest in your husband’s hobbies.

4. Sneak in lunchbox notes.

I’ll never forget the day I opened my son’s backpack and found a stack of lunchbox notes I’d sent that semester. He’d kept them all because they meant so much to him.

Can you picture your husband opening his insulated lunch bag, pulling out his sandwich or last night’s leftovers, and finding a note from you? He’d probably smile and let out a life-is-good sigh. A lunchbox note might feel silly, but we all could use a little levity in the middle of the workday, right? Here are some ready to print and cut. Just add an “XOXO,” and you’re good to go!

If lunchbox notes just aren’t your thing, try sending a mid-day text. Here are 10 texts just to send anytime, and here are some to send if your husband is stressed and needs to know you care.

5. Try the pivot to show you’re listening.

Some researchers suggest up to 90% of what we say is communicated nonverbally. Think about it. If your husband says “I love you, honey” but is staring at his laptop, you might hear the words but probably don’t feel the feels.

I first shared the idea of a pivot as an easy move to give kids your undivided attention. The pivot is turning your eyes and body toward the person speaking. When we give others our full attention, we’re not just telling them what they have to say matters—we’re telling them they matter. Try pivoting toward your husband when he gets home from work or when you talk on the couch at the end of the day.

What’s another thing you do to connect with your kids that you think might work on your husband, too?

The post 5 Ways to Connect With Your Husband appeared first on iMOM.

For years, we had been on a loop of him working late and me getting aggravated. He hoped that not talking about it would mean it wasn’t a thing, but I felt like his lack of addressing it made it additionally disappointing. Once we discovered the power of acknowledgment, it changed how we process almost everything. Acknowledgment in marriage is more than just noticing; it’s speaking up and saying, “I recognize this feeling, truth, misunderstanding, miscommunication…” If you’re looking for how to improve your marriage, here are 4 profound benefits of acknowledgment.

1. It bolsters empathy.

My husband was in the middle of a house project when he asked me to pick up some supplies at Lowe’s. His sigh was a dead giveaway that I picked out the wrong thing, and my kneejerk reaction was defensiveness. After a minute of juggling my frustrations, I acknowledged him by saying, “Sorry I grabbed the wrong thing. I know that messes up your timeline.” That flipped the switch.

By acknowledging my mistake, I let him know I recognized how it impacted him. This softened his irritation and started shifting his perspective. Empathy helps us remember we’re on the same team!

Give it a try: Before reacting, spend a few seconds considering the other perspective. Then, acknowledge your role and the impact it had.

2. It fosters direct communication.

Before my husband even opened the Amazon package, he preemptively said, “I used birthday money for this.” He knew my head would’ve exploded upon seeing the bottomless box of fishing lures and bait, so he got ahead of it by acknowledging that the purchase wasn’t coming from the regular budget.

Acknowledging something brings it to the surface and helps diffuse the potential for frustrations to build. It’s a starting point for communication rooted in thoughtfulness and respect and a solid basis for how to improve your marriage.

Give it a try: Pause and clarify. Ask open-ended questions and avoid jumping to conclusions.

3. It reflects humility and self-awareness.

We have a cute key hook where my husband hangs his keys 100% of the time. Mine make it there about to 30% of the time. This drives him crazy, and it drives me crazy that it drives him crazy. For years, I scoffed when he hung up my keys because the way he went about it was less than subtle.

When I started replacing my scoff with a genuine, “Sorry I forgot to hang those up again. I promise to keep working on it,” he changed the way he reacted to the keys on the counter. Self-awareness is helping me get closer to a 75% hang-up rate, and humility is helping him not to make a thing out of the unhung keys anymore.

Give it a try: Create simple action plans that promote growing in awareness and understanding.

4. It sets the stage for encouragement.

When my husband washes and vacuums my car, I intentionally thank him and acknowledge that he took time out of his day to do something just for me. Simply noticing when he does something out of the ordinary is different than acknowledging it. Letting him know that I see the bigger picture of his gift is reinforcing and encouraging.

Recognizing when others need acknowledgment takes discernment and practice; but when it becomes a regular part of how you engage with others, it will not only improve your communication and your marriage but also the other relationships in your life.

Give it a try: Always be on the lookout for ways to encourage, and then actually do it!

In what situations would acknowledgment make you feel more seen?

The post 4 Ways the ‘A’ Word Can Improve Your Marriage appeared first on iMOM.

But when we’re there for each other, everything in life gets a bit easier. It’s important to acknowledge the good parts in your marriage. Being a little more positive with each other can lift you both. For a healthy and loving relationship, give your husband and yourself a boost with these 30 marriage affirmations for a more authentic relationship.

Marriage Affirmations for Your Husband

Is your relationship with your husband what you want it to be? Being genuine and vulnerable with each other can grow a more authentic relationship. Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, found in her research that when wives give affirming words to their husbands, these men feel “’noticed, appreciated, respected, loved or desired.’” And Erin Smalley of Focus on the Family points out that this “is one of the greatest predictors of marital satisfaction.” Look for opportunities to affirm your husband and see how these kind words can draw you closer.

1. Thanks for always being real with me.
2. I’m here for you.
3. We’re in this together.
4. I believe in us as a couple.
5. I’ve got your back.
6. We’re better together.
7. You’re not alone.
8. We’re stronger as a team.
9. We were meant for each other.
10. Our experiences make us stronger.
11. You bring so much to the table.
12. Our marriage is a blessing.
13. I need you.
14. I accept you for who you are.
15. Our bond is strong. Nothing can break it.
16. We’ve grown better as a couple and as parents over the years.

Marriage Affirmations for You

Authentic relationships are built on honesty. Think of your marriage as a pretty seashell. Over the years, it may have gotten buried by the tide. But don’t leave it hidden. It’s time to dust off the sand and let the shell shine in the sun. Remind yourself why your relationship with your husband is important. Why it matters. Give yourself these marriage affirmations.

17. I married my best friend.
18. My marriage is my priority.
19. I am loved.
20. I may not be young anymore or full of energy, but I still have a lot to give this relationship.
21. My marriage has value.
22. Being married to my husband has made me grow in many ways.

Genuine Truths for an Authentic Relationship

Remind yourself of what you’ve been through and what’s working well in your marriage. Daily marriage affirmations can give you both the encouragement you need to keep your relationship going strong.

23. It hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve never given up.
24. Every marriage has its share of struggles. We’re not unique in that way.
25. We’ve made mistakes. But we’ve grown from them.
26. Our friendship has had highs and lows. Let’s focus more on the highs.
27. We can be vulnerable with each other and share our fears.
28. Even though we’ve been married a while, we’re still individuals and we respect each other’s differences.
29. We may not always like each other in a heated moment, but we never stop loving each other.
30. We’re faithful and loyal to each other.

What aspect of your relationship do you enjoy the most?

The post 30 Marriage Affirmations for an Authentic Relationship appeared first on iMOM.

Take turns asking each other these questions and see how well you both do. These 39 husband and wife questions are fun to do on a date, on a long drive, and even on the couch after the kids are in bed. Just start asking today and see what happens.

Turn back the clock with these husband and wife questions.

Find out some more about the person you married. Have you ever covered these topics?

1. Did you ever get in trouble at school as a kid?
2. What were you like in gym class?
3. Were you a good influence on your sibling(s)?
4. What was your nickname as a kid?
5. Who was your childhood best friend?
6. What did you want to be when you were little?
7. Who was your childhood hero?
8. Did you decorate your locker in middle school?
9. Did you have acne trouble as a kid?
10. When was your first kiss?
11. As a kid, how did you learn about the birds and the bees?
12. When did you start getting interested in dating?
13. What’s the most embarrassing thing you did as a tween/teen?
14. What was the happiest time of your childhood?

Dig deeper with these husband and wife questions.

Asking questions can draw you closer to each other and build emotional intimacy.

15. What’s something you do now that you wish you’d never have to do again?
16. Do you believe in coincidences? Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
17. If someone gifted you a million dollars, what would you do with it?
18. What’s your favorite physical feature? (What’s your favorite physical feature about your spouse?)
19. What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?
20. Do you have any fears? Is there anything that you think holds you back in life?
21. How do you want to leave your imprint on this world after you’re gone?
22. What do you wish were different about your life right now?
23. Do you have any regrets?
24. If you could improve one thing about yourself, what would it be?
25. What’s been the biggest blessing in your life?
26. What genre would you assign to the story of your life? (thriller, romance, mystery, etc.)
27. What one thing in your past would you like to do over?

Lighten the mood with these fun husband and wife questions.

Nothing serious here. Just a little fun. You could put these questions in a bowl and ask each other a few each evening before bed. Or, you could simply read them off your phone as you’re sitting side-by-side on the couch. Because why not? The more time you put into each other, the stronger your relationship will be.

28. Do you know my coffee order?
29. What’s the perfect way to spend your day?
30. If you could invite any five people to a dinner party, who would they be and why?
31. Can you recall the color of my toothbrush? Or my hairbrush?
32. Where would you go with a free plane ticket?
33. What makes you happy about our marriage?
34. What’s one difference between us that you like?
35. If our house caught fire and you could only save what you could carry to the curb, what would you bring with you?
36. What quality do you love most about me?
37. Do you know my dreams for the future?
38. What’s the first thing you think about in the morning? The last thing at night?
39. If you were given $500 to spend on me, what would you buy?

What is something you’d like to gain from asking your husband these questions? More fun? More connection? Or something else?

If you’d like more romance in your relationship, pass on this article to your husband: 8 Romantic Things Wives Want Their Husbands to Do.

The post 39 Fun Husband and Wife Questions appeared first on iMOM.

Wouldn’t marriage be easier if relationships also came with “check engine” lights? Unfortunately, they don’t work that way. For some marriages, that means we find ourselves broken down, seeking urgent help from a licensed counselor. However, happy couples go to therapy, too. In fact, according to VeryWell Mind, 68 percent of couples feel it’s best to start marriage counseling before serious problems arise. Here are 5 reasons why happily married couples should consider booking a counseling session.  

1. To Get a Tune-Up

So much has changed from the day you and your husband committed to each other “for better or for worse.” In fact, you’ve probably already experienced a “for better” and a “for worse” moment or two. But, even in the absence of major issues, happy couples may choose marriage counseling as a proactive measure to invest in the health and longevity of their relationship. And, by the way, just because you decide to go to therapy doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage. In fact, talking about grievances is one of the habits of happy couples.

Could counseling help maintain a healthy relationship? Questions for happily married couples to consider:

• Are we both happy with our relationship?
• Are there specific areas where we feel our relationship could improve?
• Are there factors affecting intimacy that we’d like to address?
• Could we learn to manage conflict better?

2. To Improve Communication

No married couple will ever achieve perfect communication. Take it from me. I’m a bonafide professional communicator married to a counseling professor for 27 years. You’d think we’d at least achieve passing grades in how we talk with each other all the time. And, yet, we don’t. We misunderstand each other or misinterpret intentions. We forget to tell each other important things or skip over the little things until they become big things. And we lose our temper and say the wrong things. We can all do with a little coaching on improving how we talk to our spouses. 

Could counseling help with communication? Questions for happily married couples to consider:

• Do we argue frequently?
• Do we have difficulty expressing our thoughts and feelings to each other?
• Are we experiencing a lack of empathy or understanding?
• Do we feel our communication issues affect our overall relationship satisfaction? 

3. To Get Help With a Specific Problem

Sometimes you just need to call in an expert to walk—even a happily married couple—through a specific issue. A counselor offers an objective space to talk together. Plus, they’ve received specialized training in techniques and strategies to help couples address problems while strengthening their commitment.

Sometimes you just need to call in an expert to walk—even a happily married couple—through a specific issue. A counselor offers an objective space to talk together.
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Could counseling help with this specific problem? Questions for happily married couples to consider:

• Have we noticed a decline in overall relationship satisfaction due to this issue?
• Does the issue affect other aspects of our relationship?
• Are we experiencing high levels of stress related to the problem?
• Do we find ourselves stuck in a cycle of unresolved conflicts regarding this issue?

4. To Maintain Intimacy

Happily married couples may choose to go to counseling to maintain intimacy for several reasons. For example, long-term relationships can sometimes fall into routines, leading to a sense of predictability. Counseling can help couples break out of these patterns. Counseling can provide a safe place for a couple to improve their communication skills, ensuring that they express their needs, desires, and feelings in a way that fosters intimacy.

Could counseling help with intimacy? Questions for happily married couples to consider:

• Are we both satisfied with our emotional and physical intimacy?
• Do we feel comfortable discussing our needs, desires, and concerns related to intimacy?
• Do we have different expectations or any misconceptions about intimacy in our relationship?
• Are unresolved conflicts contributing to emotional distance or a lack of connection?

5. To Navigate a Significant Life Transition

Research by Dr. John Gottman published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows 67 percent of couples see their marriage satisfaction plummet after a baby. It’s not surprising. Becoming parents for the first (or fourth) time pushes you and your husband into uncharted relationship territory and increases your stress, too! It’s not the only life transition that rocks the boat—an empty nest or a new job can do that, too. Marriage counseling can give you new tools to strengthen your commitment.

Could counseling help with a life transition? Questions for happily married couples to consider:

• Are there specific aspects of the transition that are causing stress or strain?
• Have our communication patterns shifted?
• Have there been changes in the dynamics of our relationship as a result of the transition?
• Are there emotional challenges or anxiety that we’re facing individually or as a couple? 

What might be holding you back from seeking marriage counseling?

The post 5 Reasons Happily Married Couples Should Go to Therapy appeared first on iMOM.

A pleasant surprise can ignite—or reignite—romance in a relationship. For those of us who’ve been married for some time now, it might be fun to unpack some of those old romantic tricks that once seemed so current. To help you get started, here are 9 romantic things to do to bring back the romance of yore.

1. The Love Letter

There’s something really special about holding a piece of paper that your husband touched while he crafted his thoughts to you. You can almost see in the ink where he paused to think.

Update it: If writing on lined paper brings back classroom anxiety, transfer your loving thoughts to an email. It takes longer than a text—and that’s the point. Think about your words and read them over before hitting send.

2. The Scrapbook

In my 20s, a boyfriend gave me a scrapbook for my birthday. I think he imagined I’d fill it with pictures and mementos of us. We broke up before I started, but hey, it’s not a bad idea if you like being crafty.

Update it: Use an online photo company to create a photo book. If you’re good at planning, start taking pictures and selfies of the two of you now, specifically for this project.

3. The Mixtape or CD

For our anniversary this past year, my husband dug out the mix CD I made him when we were dating. Playing those songs brought back all the feelings from that time.

Update it: Create a playlist of your life together right now. Name the playlist something sweet or goofy. Play it the next time the kids are in bed.

4. The Paper Tickets

Please tell me I’m not the only one with a shoebox full of concert tickets, plane tickets, movie stubs, and other random tickets that are so faded but that you can’t throw away.

Update it: Text your husband a link to a place you want to take him for your next date night. Maybe it’s a restaurant you haven’t tried, a comedy club, or an arcade.

5. The Coupon Book

For our first anniversary, I made my husband a coupon book out of construction paper, glitter, and glue. I just found it the other day. There are coupons for a massage, for dinner, and more. He never cashed them in! Groan.

Update it: A romantic thing to do could be to give him an experience he’d enjoy. Let him open a new sleeping bag and tell him you have camping reservations. Or give him a wrapped baseball cap and say you have tickets to the next home game.

6. The Framed Photos

Do you remember when all the frames in your home were filled with just you and your husband? And then your first child came along, and hubby got booted? (Please say yes.) Well, it might be time to update the photos again.

Update it: Take a selfie and stick it in a new frame for his nightstand or desk at work.

7. The Magazine Cuttings Collage

The old-school version involved a lot of glossy magazines spread across the floor and Elmer’s glue. I remember cutting out words and pictures that represented my relationship with my then-boyfriend (now husband.). Side note: He still has it.

Update it: Create a word cloud online with words that describe your husband (loving, faithful, handsome, funny, etc.). Print it out for some quick, frameable artwork that proclaims your love in a fun, modern way.

8. The Map With Pushpins

When we got married, my husband introduced me to his huge world map filled with pushpins. The pins were color coded to show where he’d traveled or lived before meeting me.

Update it: Pick somewhere you and your husband have never been and go for a night or a weekend. Take pictures. See the sights. Start marking new terrain together and creating memories only the two of you share.

9. The Love Lock on a Bridge

In Paris, a tradition started over two decades ago where newlyweds place a lock on a bridge and toss the key into the river.

Update it: How about locking yourself in an escape room on date night? You’ll have to work together to escape, but it could be a fun way to add some sparks to your relationship.

For fun, try our our 30 Day Marriage Challenge and watch your relationship grow stronger and happier each day.

What are some more romantic things to do with your husband this year?

The post 9 Timeless Tricks to Bring Romance Back to Your Marriage appeared first on iMOM.

Like any good video game, there are obstacles and threats at every turn. But the good news is, there are always “power ups” to strengthen your relationship too. If you want to know how to make a relationship last forever, think of these 7 words as the power ups you need in your marriage. They’ll help you get to the next level (or anniversary!) with your husband.

1. Share

I hesitated, but then called to my husband. “There are two chocolates left. Want one?” Honestly, I hoped he’d say no. But he didn’t, and bringing him a little joy ended up making me happy too. Being generous with chocolate is one thing, but so is being generous with your heart. Do you share what’s on your mind? Do you share concerns but compliments as well? Keeping everything to yourself doesn’t make for an openhearted relationship. Start sharing and see how it pulls you closer together.

2. Compromise

“How about we take turns driving with him?” I asked my husband. Neither one of us really wanted to take on this job, but our teen needed to learn! So, we talked for a while and finally reached a compromise. You don’t want one person being resentful, so learning to negotiate is huge. If you can both agree on how to do something, you’ll have powered-up your relationship.

3. Support

If you’re reading up on how to make a relationship last forever, know that showing up for the other person is key. Show up for his rec league softball game, but also show up emotionally when he needs support. Maybe he wants to get something about work off his chest. Or perhaps he’s feeling down because an injury has put him in physical therapy. Supporting your husband through life’s bumps is what marriage is all about.

4. Nourish

What does a robin do in spring? She builds a strong and sturdy nest that will keep her eggs warm and protected. Marriage is like that nest. It’s where everything starts and thrives. To take good care of your marriage, give it attention. Build it with love and respect for your husband. A sturdy nest will stabilize your family and your children’s happiness. So put time into it. Nourish your marriage so when the wind blows, it won’t crumble.

5. Accept

In 20 years, my husband has grown as a father and spouse, but he still has some of those (annoying) little habits I wanted to change years ago. I’ve learned it’s better for our marriage to accept who he is than nitpick over every little thing. For minor annoyances, give your husband grace and let them go. And remind yourself of all the great reasons you married him.

6. Forgive

Holding a grudge isn’t healthy for your relationship, but it’s also physically harmful. The added stress, according to Healthline, can lead to “increased blood pressure, heart problems, lowered immunity, and inflammation.” No one wants that. The answer, of course, is forgiveness. Minor infractions are easier to let go, but if you’re finding it difficult to forgive your husband, start with a conversation and then consider talking to a pastor or therapist if you need more help. When you forgive, you put another brick in the foundation of your marriage, building it to last longer.

7. Play

As soon as a familiar tune started playing in the kitchen, my husband and I both started wiggling our hips. And with that, my daughter rolled her eyes. Being playful with your husband draws you together. Maybe there’s a board game or a sport you used to enjoy before the kids came along. Being silly, letting your guard down, and relaxing with your husband are good for both of you. And it’s how you can make your relationship last.

Making a relationship last takes effort. What do you do that’s good for your marriage?

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We all want to still be in love, and maybe a little frisky, when we’re old and wrinkled, but that’s not the only relationship goal to set to have a happy marriage. These 17 couple goals will make life better today and give you many happy tomorrows.

Fun Couple Goals

1. Commit to following the rule of one.
Hitting “couple goals” status requires that you make your marriage a priority. A simple way to do that is by following the rule of one. That’s committing as a couple to one night in per week, one night out per month, and one weekend away per year. It’s not easy, but it will ensure you and your husband make time to invest in each other.

2. Be an adventurous duo.
Push each other to be spontaneous. Try an activity you’ve never done. Take a dance class. Dine on all the ethnic cuisines in your town. There’s more to adventure than skydiving, so talk about what piques your interest and go for it!

3. Travel together.
It’s easy to make excuses for not traveling. It costs money. It can be uncomfortable. You can’t get away from work. But travel is a powerful way to bond as a couple. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Travel Research found strong evidence that as couples vacation together, their need for stability and emotional bonding as well as their need for change and novelty are better met. Book that trip! It’s worth it.

4. Come up with a holiday tradition for just the two of you.
When the kids leave home, will you be left with unfestive holidays? Remedy this by making traditions for just you and your husband to do for each holiday even while the kids are still around. It can be small, like watching the Boston Pops Fireworks Show on the 4th of July with a glass of wine or getting a couples’ pic on Santa’s lap.

Couple Goals for Finances

5. Get on a budget.
It ain’t fun, but it’s a goal that will improve life in many ways. Getting on a budget can lead to more financial peace, open dialogue about spending, and a plan for your future.

6. Give full disclosure.
Happy couples don’t have secrets. No hiding shopping bags in the trunk! Decide together the dollar amount you can spend without consulting each other, or take the recommendation of Financial Peace University, and add a “blow category” to your budget that gives you both a stash to blow on whatever you want each month.

7. Trust one another.
I’m working on this couple goal in my own marriage. He’s the spender, I’m the saver, and he handles our budget. When I wince at a purchase he wants to make, he asks if I trust that he’s managing our money well and that he won’t be irresponsible. Trusting that your spouse is as invested in your financial future as you are can help you breathe easy. This trust builds as you discuss your finances, show self-control, and agree on purchases.

Couple Goals for Emotional and Physical Intimacy

8. Have a special language.
In place of “good,” my friend and her husband say “goo.” “Dinner was goo, honey!” They get a kick out of their secret language, and I think it’s cute, too! Having code words or your own “goo” can bond you and your husband and make you feel like a team.

9. Reach the fourth stage.
This might be the ultimate goal of all the couple goals. This stage of a relationship is called “awakening to joy.” You reach it by loving and accepting your husband just as he is and vice versa. You have confidence that your spouse’s commitment is solid and that brings peace and joy.

10. Learn each other’s love language.
There’s a reason Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is so popular. Knowing how you and your husband communicate love breaks down barriers to giving and receiving it.

11. Love each other’s bodies.
Loving is different from desiring or using. Imagine reaching this couple goal—you don’t see the flaws of an extra pound here or a wrinkle there; you help each other through the aches and pains of aging; and you treat sex as an extension of your emotions and not a means to an end.

Couple Goals for Communication

12. Learn how to fight fair.
Even if you’re in the assisted living facility and using walkers to get to the dining room, you’re probably still going to have the occasional squabble with your husband. Conflict is a natural part of relationships, and learning to fight fair can help conflict lead to growth instead of distance.

13. Choose each other over your phones.

Have you heard of phubbing? Phubbing is snubbing the person you’re with and paying attention to your phone instead. A study out of Baylor University found that overuse of cell phones led to less satisfaction in relationships. Turn off notifications. Your spouse is more important.

14. Learn each other’s apology language.
“I said I was sorry!” you say.

“You didn’t mean it!’ he replies.

If you’ve ever felt like you offered an apology but your husband wasn’t satisfied with it, it’s possible you speak different apology languages. Just like everyone speaks a love language, Dr. Gary Chapman also found that people speak an apology language. Learn yours and your husband’s for better conflict resolution.

Couple Goals for Health

15. Be honest about unhealthy habits.
Honesty requires both giving and accepting the truth. Do you feel like he’s drinking too much or that you need to cut back? Do you worry about his heart or your stress level? Talk about it, and commit to getting healthy together.

16. Encourage each other instead of criticizing.
You and your husband should be each other’s biggest supporters. Sometimes it’s hard not to be critical when setting goals, but aim for a five-to-one ratio of positive comments over negative. That’s what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman found to be the “magic ratio” for happy, stable relationships.

17. Walk after dinner.
According to research, just two minutes of walking after eating helps control blood sugar levels. So start small. The kids and the dog can come, too! Continue this habit after the kids move out, and you and your husband will be the cute old couple that takes nightly strolls. #couplegoals!

What other couple goals would you add to the list?

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