I hear some form of this confession often: “My kids get my best while my husband and I are on autopilot.” Can you relate? You’re constantly working on reaching, teaching, and loving your children, but you and your husband haven’t had a meaningful conversation in months. It’s easy to put so much into your kids that you forget (or just ignore) how to connect with your husband.
But here’s the thing—all relationships need the same things, regardless of who’s in them. Time, effort, sharing… So what if you take some of the tried and true ways to connect with your child and apply them to your guy? Check out these 5 kid-tested ideas, and try working them into your marriage.
1. Use physical closers and heart closers.
If you feel like you’ve forgotten how to connect with your husband because you’ve grown apart, this idea our contributor Anna originally shared with moms of teens is what you need. The first step is closing the physical distance between you two. Plan a date night or go to bed at the same time.
But don’t stop there! Being around each other is not the same as being together. You need a heart closer, too. When you go on your date, talk about things that are on your heart. If you go to bed at the same time, don’t give your phones your attention. Talk about your day, rest your head on your husband’s chest, and tell him you like being close to him.
2. Get out the feelings wheel.
After my friend Chloe’s baby was born, she and her husband (both overtired and adjusting to life as new parents) struggled to communicate their needs. She said, “Abby! We printed iMOM’s Feelings Wheel, and it works!”
Our free printable feelings wheel is colorful and fun to use with kids, but don’t brush it off as juvenile. Labeling what you’re feeling more accurately could be the difference between saying “I don’t feel loved by you,” and “I don’t feel accepted by you.” The latter gives your husband more to work with and can help him get to the heart of what you need.
3. Get interested in what he’s interested in.
Do you have a child who’s interested in a hobby that’s just not your thing? One of my boys is obsessed with football and prides himself on all the stats he can rattle off. I couldn’t tell you the name of the QB for our city’s NFL team. But if I turn on a game and ask him to explain a rule to me, he lights up.
This is a great idea for how to connect with your husband, too. If he loves to golf, watch it with him on Sunday. (You might fall asleep, but golf is excellent napping TV.) No spare time? Try just making conversation. Ask your husband what got him into golf in the first place.
Here’s what our contributor Corrie did to connect with her Pokémon-loving child. Follow her lead for different ways to show interest in your husband’s hobbies.
4. Sneak in lunchbox notes.
I’ll never forget the day I opened my son’s backpack and found a stack of lunchbox notes I’d sent that semester. He’d kept them all because they meant so much to him.
Can you picture your husband opening his insulated lunch bag, pulling out his sandwich or last night’s leftovers, and finding a note from you? He’d probably smile and let out a life-is-good sigh. A lunchbox note might feel silly, but we all could use a little levity in the middle of the workday, right? Here are some ready to print and cut. Just add an “XOXO,” and you’re good to go!
If lunchbox notes just aren’t your thing, try sending a mid-day text. Here are 10 texts just to send anytime, and here are some to send if your husband is stressed and needs to know you care.
5. Try the pivot to show you’re listening.
Some researchers suggest up to 90% of what we say is communicated nonverbally. Think about it. If your husband says “I love you, honey” but is staring at his laptop, you might hear the words but probably don’t feel the feels.
I first shared the idea of a pivot as an easy move to give kids your undivided attention. The pivot is turning your eyes and body toward the person speaking. When we give others our full attention, we’re not just telling them what they have to say matters—we’re telling them they matter. Try pivoting toward your husband when he gets home from work or when you talk on the couch at the end of the day.
What’s another thing you do to connect with your kids that you think might work on your husband, too?
