I’ve tried many different responses to being in this kind of funk, many of which didn’t help or even made things worse. But I’ve also found a few that work well to help us find our groove again. When you experience a breakdown in communication in marriage, try one or more of these 5 things and see if they work for you too.

1. Bed and Breakfast

Go to bed early and plan to go out to breakfast the next morning, just the two of you. A little extra sleep followed by some time to yourselves can do wonders. So rather than going out on a Friday night when you’re both drained, enjoy eating a nice breakfast together while having an opportunity to talk before the demands of the day begin. Or if it’s more relaxing to stay home, have breakfast in bed!

2. An “OK Day”

Psychology Today reports that “being agreeable and selfless can rub off on people—seeing a person getting along and doing good can perpetuate kindness.” With this in mind, try for one whole day to just be agreeable. This means saying “OK” to whatever your husband expresses, explains, or needs that day. It’s just one day! It can diffuse the cycle of constant disagreement, thus hitting the “reset button” on your communication with one another.

3. Having Sex

While it may seem implausible to have sex when you’re not seeing eye to eye, it might be just what the doctor ordered! A study done by Curr Opin Psychiatry examined the effect oxytocin—a hormone produced in the brain as a result of sex—has on people. Apparently, it has lots of relationship benefits, like “trust, gazing, empathy, positive relationship memories, fidelity, and positive communication.” Bingo! Now I know this isn’t always easy to initiate when you don’t feel like it. But make the choice to try it, and see how it helps break down the barrier.

4. “Just Because” Check-Ins

Sometimes in the normal day-in and day-out rush and routines, conversation with our husbands becomes centered around getting things done and solving problems—like who’s taking the kids to soccer or a reminder to pick up dog food. But HealthLine.com recommends regular check-ins throughout the day to let your husband know how you’re doing and you’re thinking of him. Don’t allow these check-ins to be about anything else—just sweetly and simply checking in will help soften and deepen communication between you.

5. Create Your Own Dictionary

It took me some time to figure out that when my husband says something is “not bad,” he actually means that it’s pretty good! I used to take such offense to that phrasing. He’d use it to describe a new recipe or a new outfit I wore. Then one day I came straight out and asked, “What do you mean when you say it’s ‘not bad’?” Focus on the Family explains how, as a couple, it’s beneficial to create your own dictionary to avoid miscommunication. This week, ask your husband for his definition of a word or phrase you think could have a different meaning to you.

How do you resolve breakdown in communication in marriage?

The post 5 Things to Try When Your Marriage Is in a Funk appeared first on iMOM.

Aside from the normal stuff like bills, work, and what to eat for dinner, having a child can cause a considerable amount of stress. But protecting your marriage is important. Here are 5 ways to do that when kids are putting stress on your marriage.

1. Set boundaries and limits.

When one of our kids is going through something, I want to talk to my husband about it…a lot. But for him, it’s too much. Too much analyzing, ruminating, and discussion of any topic involving our kids stresses him out. We’ve had to set limits.

If your worries about your kids spread into every aspect of your life, it can put stress on your marriage. Obviously, if something’s going on, it’s important to talk about it. But for the sake of your relationship, you may want to set some boundaries such as no discussion about the kids after 8. Or let’s not bring up difficult conversations once we’re in bed.

2. Support each other in front of them.

You and your husband are a team. Not supporting each other, especially when the kids are watching, can put stress on marriage. Even if you don’t agree on everything (and who does?), it’s still important to be a unified front. It gives children a sense of safety and security when they see their parents getting along. If you disagree with your husband, bring it up later in private. Give him grace in the moment and by the time you raise the issue later, you’ll be calmer, and the discussion will probably go a lot smoother.

3. Maintain kid-free time in your relationship.

If your kids are with you all day (and possibly all night), you’re probably missing out on quality time to connect with your husband. Having kid-free time together is like peanut butter between two slices of bread. How else will the sandwich stick together?

When you’re working so hard to be a good mom, it can be easy to forget who you were before having kids and what your romantic relationship was like. But here’s your reminder to not forget! Carve out time to spend with your husband this week, and make plans to have fun together. When you’re connected emotionally with your spouse, there’s less room for the stresses of parenting to impact your relationship.

4. Separate your kid’s stress from you.

Twice a year, my daughter has a piano recital. And for the week leading up to both performances, she’s a total stress ball. I get nervous for her too, but when I absorb her stress, it tends to make things worse for my daughter—and my husband.

“Psychological research has shown that stress and anxiety are contagious,” says clinical neuropsychologist William Stixrud. And being able to hold our kids’ stress at a distance and not let it affect us is super hard. But if we’re a calm presence for our kids, it’ll carry over to our other relationships. Let’s not add extra stress on our marriage.

5. Seek balance in your life and your marriage.

On a family trip to NYC, my husband took the kids to a Broadway show in the afternoon while I visited an art museum. I could’ve sat through the kid musical, but I’m glad I didn’t. I had a great time on my own, going at my own pace and looking at the Van Goghs and Monets. I didn’t realize how much I needed that space. At the end of the day, I was eager to see my family again and felt grateful for the time alone to recharge.

When you have room to breathe, to think about your needs, and to focus on yourself and your marriage, the whole family benefits. It’s about finding a good balance with all that you have going on in life. Parenting is stressful, but you don’t have to live in a constant state of stress. It’s not healthy for anyone, and it’s definitely not good for your marriage.

What causes stress on marriage aside from parenting?

The post 5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage From the Stresses of Parenting appeared first on iMOM.

I don’t know any couple immune to tiffs over things like speed, temperature, or choosing a parking spot, but you can bring peace to your drive time. Since you’re probably not hiring a chauffeur any time soon, here’s what’s behind the fights and 4 things you can do to reduce the car-nage when you and your husband ride together.

First, which of these reasons couples argue in the car sounds most familiar?

In a survey by HideThatScratch.com, both men and women were asked what riles them up the most.

86% (so nearly everyone) said their spouse showing road rage enrages them.
80% said speed. Driving too fast (or too slow) got their heart racing.
60% of the women said him not asking for directions. Stereotype: reinforced.

Also in the top five—spouses criticizing their driving and disagreeing over what comes through the speakers.

What’s really driving those fights?

The passenger is uncomfortable not having control.

Research by Ittner, Mühlbacher, and Weisswange published in 2020 found that feelings of anxiety or discomfort can be caused by the passenger believing the situation is dangerous even if it’s not. When my husband (who’s been driving for 40 years and has never rear-ended someone) waits a millisecond too long to hit the brakes, I suck in a quick bit of air. I feel unsafe and exposed because I’m in this metal box going 60 miles per hour and have no control over whether we stop or plow into that semi. What he hears when I gasp is, You dummy. Don’t you know how to drive? I can’t trust you. And that’s a heavy blow to the man who loves me and would protect me at all costs.

Your nervous systems are mismatched.

The nervous systems of the driver and passenger also play a role in reasons couples argue in the car. I see this every time my husband gets within five minutes of a destination he’s unfamiliar with. He aggressively turns down whatever we’re listening to, and I say, “Dude! Chill.” (He doesn’t seem to like that.)

A driver is on high alert, focused on the road, and ready to react quickly. This can make him tense and defensive. Passengers, on the other hand, are usually more relaxed. This inequality in how stressed each person feels can easily lead to arguments.

There are unresolved issues you’ve brought into the drive.

The passive-aggressive language you were throwing at your husband about your mother-in-law while you were in your kitchen could turn into full aggression once you’re in the car and feel agitated by his driving or a traffic jam. If you’re ready to rumble before you even get in the car, being stuck in a metal capsule with nowhere to escape can cause frustrations to simmer and erupt.

Here’s how to shift gears from bickering to bonding.

Speak gently and avoid generalizations: Instead of sweeping accusations, like “You ALWAYS drive way too fast. You’re gonna get us killed!” try “Hey babe, I know you have control of the car, but I’d feel safer if you drove a little slower.”

Leave the baggage at home: Don’t use car time to rehash a fight you had earlier. The confined space ratchets up the stress level.

Go in prepared: Does he like to blast the air? Bring a sweater or keep a blanket stashed in the car. Running late to a dinner party? Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that barking at him that he missed a quicker route isn’t worth it. Close your eyes during the ride if you need to.

Look at drives together as opportunities to grow: Conflict in the car gives you a chance to practice empathy, compromise, and most importantly, laugh at yourselves. Do this, and you’ll be on your way from relationship gridlock to greenlight in no time.

What causes the most fights in the car for you and your husband?

The post 4 Ways to Hit the Brakes on Fights in the Car appeared first on iMOM.

I still wouldn’t mind flowers. But I know I need to do better with recognizing my husband for all the little things. Appreciating others is good for any relationship! Have your signals crossed with your husband too? Let’s get back on track together. Here are 5 ways to show you appreciate your husband for a healthier, stronger relationship.

1. Be timely.

Last week, my husband volunteered to join me for an extra church service. I was really glad he came! That night, I said, “Thanks for coming with me today. It meant a lot.” He nodded. “You’re welcome,” he said. “But it would’ve been nice if you said something earlier—like right after we left church.” Ouch. I told him I’d work on that.

In the workforce, it’s good practice to offer timely appreciation of colleagues. Economics professor Paul J. Zak says appreciating and recognizing someone “immediately after a goal has been met” has the biggest impact and builds trust. I’m going to apply that wisdom in my marriage to keep our ship sailing smoothly too.

Take action: Say thank you as soon as you can. When you appreciate your husband, you make him feel good for what he does, and it strengthens your relationship.

2. Pay attention to him.

How many of us half-listen to our husbands while multitasking? I know I do. I mean, come on. I have dinner going while trying to help our daughter with her math homework (didn’t he notice?)! I know the right thing to do is to stop and pause and look at him, but I don’t always do it.

Take action: Fully face your husband and make eye contact when he speaks. Use the active listening technique of repeating his words back to him so he knows you’re paying attention. This shows you respect and appreciate your husband for what he has to say.

3. Change your perspective.

Try seeing love the way he does. A friend of mine admitted she’s not a very touchy person, but because her husband is, she tries to squeeze his arm or put a palm on his back when they’re together. In my home, I’m trying to dust and sweep more because my husband appreciates “acts of service” as a sign of love.

Take action: Figure out what his love language is. If he appreciates words of affirmation, compliment him. Make effort to point out what you notice each day. “I appreciate you emptying the dishwasher.”

4. Tell him you love him.

My next-door neighbor lost her husband during the pandemic, and she told me she misses having him next to her in bed at night. They always used to say “I love you” before drifting off to sleep. Maybe you’ve been married for a while, and these words don’t roll off your tongue as often. But maybe they should? Telling your husband you love him lets him know you appreciate having him in your life.

Try our Rekindle Your Marriage Challenge for inspiration!

Take action: For a healthy relationship, express your love often and let him know you appreciate and value him. Also, show your love. Maybe it’s a snuggle on the couch, spooning in bed, or picking up after the dog.

5. Nevertheless, offer kindness.

The possibility exists that your husband has given up doing nice things because he feels unappreciated. Maybe it’s been an on-going, weeks-long thing and he’s been quiet and sullen. It would help your relationship to find words of appreciation and love. Someone has to get the ball rolling again. And as humbling as it might be, why not make the first move? You never know—it might be reciprocated.

Take action: “Hey, I know I haven’t always said so, but I appreciate all you do. I don’t take you for granted.” Along with these words, try to accept him for who he is and remind yourself that no one is perfect.

What other ways do you show you appreciate your husband?

The post 5 Ways to Show You Appreciate Your Husband appeared first on iMOM.

If Sara and Chris’s evening sounds familiar, it’s OK. Even the strongest bonds can experience periods of emotional distance. Life throws us curveballs, routines settle in, and sometimes, connections get lost in the shuffle. But it’s important to recognize signs of emotional detachment in marriage and take steps to reconnect. If you want your marriage to get over this hump, here’s how to do it.

What’s emotional detachment in marriage?

So, emotional connection is like playing catch. You throw a feeling or thought (“I’m feeling overwhelmed today”), and your partner catches it (listens and tries to understand). Emotional detachment is when the game stops. Maybe you don’t feel like throwing anymore (withdrawing), or your partner isn’t catching what you’re throwing (not listening or seeming distant).

What can cause emotional detachment in a marriage?

According to marriage.com, it’s a mix of things, really. Sometimes, it’s leftover fights we haven’t quite dealt with, or maybe we just haven’t been talking much lately. Of course, bigger things can play a role, too, like if there’s been infidelity or someone’s been struggling with addiction. Even mental health stuff like depression or anxiety can make it hard to connect. Then there are bad habits that build up over time, like always avoiding tough conversations or shutting down when you should talk it out.

What are the signs of emotional detachment in marriage? And better yet, how can you overcome it?

1. Conversations are disappearing.

Those long, late-night talks when you shared everything used to be a highlight of your marriage. Now, conversations feel forced, filled with logistical details or polite small talk. Maybe you find yourself confiding in friends or family more than your husband.

Reignite the spark by scheduling dedicated talking time. Set aside 10 minutes each day, distraction-free, to simply talk. No phones, no TV, just focused conversation. Take turns choosing topics, or use prompts like “What’s something you’re looking forward to?” Our Conversation Starter Printable has 76 questions to choose from. And practice active listening. Give your husband your full attention, make eye contact, and ask clarifying questions to show you’re engaged.

2. You feel like a lonely roommate.

You share a living space, but evenings are spent in separate corners, engrossed in whatever pursuit has your attention this month. Sex may have dwindled, or it feels more like a chore than a connection.

Evict the roommate and get your husband back by planning quality time together. If a date night isn’t possible, try to “do life” together more. Sit next to each other on the bleachers at your daughter’s volleyball game. Do the week’s grocery shopping together while your kids play at the neighbor’s. Be intentional about physical touch. Non-sexual affection like holding hands, cuddling while watching TV, or giving a quick kiss on the cheek can be a powerful way to reconnect.

3. There’s an emotional wall.

You feel like you can’t share your true feelings with your husband. He seems uninterested or dismissive when you try to express yourself, leading you to bottle things up.

Break down the barriers by starting small. Pick a manageable topic and share your feelings calmly and clearly using “I” statements: Instead of accusatory statements like “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel hurt when I try to talk and you seem distracted.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed about where your marriage is right now…

Find comfort knowing this happens to many couples, and feeling emotionally detached doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Taking the initiative to address emotional distance is a powerful act of love and commitment to your marriage.

What makes you feel emotionally connected to your husband?

The post 3 Signs of Emotional Detachment and How to Come Back Together appeared first on iMOM.

As moms, we can sometimes take on our kids’ emotional burdens about the new school year even though they aren’t ours to carry. Unfortunately, that’s not the only situation experienced during the back-to-school season that can increase arguments or misunderstandings with your husband. See how to overcome 5 common drivers of stress in marriage when the kids head back to the classroom.

1. The Mental Load Overload

If moms could put running shoes on our brains, the back-to-school season would be the time to lace up. We’ve got a lot dashing around in our heads right now. School supplies shopping, scheduling and taking the kids to doctor’s appointments, filling out all the school forms, and memorizing the new bus schedules. Oh, and this is in addition to our usual stuff. It’s no wonder we snap a bit more at our husbands, which we all know increases stress in marriage.

Solution: Share the mental load with your husband. Sit down, create a list of what needs to get done, and decide together who will do what. For example, my husband schedules all the appointments, and I take the girls. He also fills out all the back-to-school forms. Establish clear expectations. And, Mom, let go—even if your husband does it differently than you would.

2. The Time Crunch

Getting back into the swing of school schedules can be a bit bumpy as everyone adjusts. And, between early morning buses or drop-offs, after-school activities starting back up, and homework battles, there’s little room for quality time as a couple. This can leave you and your husband feeling disconnected from each other. However, it’s vital to prioritize your relationship, even in the middle of the chaos, to keep you centered on your most important relationship.

Solution: To increase connection and decrease stress in a marriage, redefine what quality time with each other looks like. A date night is great, but it’s not the only way to stay connected. Meaningful time together could be sitting on the sidelines talking about your day while your kid’s at soccer practice or FaceTiming while you each sit in different cars at different practice fields. Or it could be a mini check-in during the day with a heartfelt text.

3. The “Invisible Partner” Feeling

With kids demanding constant attention (and the barrage of school emails filling your inbox), it’s easy to feel you’re single-handedly managing the back-to-school transition. And while for some moms, this can leave us with that mental load overload mentioned above, for others, we thrive. Back to school becomes classified as a “mom and kids” zone. This could leave your husband feeling left out as he tries to figure out how to fit in. Your husband might wonder if he is doing enough as a parent.

Solution: Check in with your husband. Even if you’ve always handled this part of parenting, he may still feel invisible or left out. Listen to him and his needs. Ask for specific ways he wants to be involved, and then commit to stepping back so he can step forward.

4. The Financial Pinch

Even if you saved every half-used pencil and glue stick and fumigated last year’s backpack to use again, this time of year comes at a cost. New clothes, school supplies, and extracurricular fees can lead to financial strain and arguments.

Solution: Plan and budget together. You can find many back-to-school budget calculators to help you estimate costs.

5. The “Identity Shift” Struggle

During your kids-in-school era, it’s easy to lose yourself in your “mom” identity. You become “Aidan’s mom,” “Room Mom,” “Team Mom,” and, of course, just “Mom.” Your kids need more of you during the school year, which can sometimes leave your own goals and needs being set aside. Feeling lost or unfulfilled can lead you to withdraw emotionally and increase irritability, especially toward your husband.

Solution: Social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn found that men and women share this belief: “If my spouse is willing to make the effort to take care of herself/himself, it means they care about me—and if they aren’t willing to make that effort, it means they don’t really care about me.” So, take care of yourself. Carve out space for things you love to do. And encourage your husband to do the same.

During the back-to-school season, what causes you and your husband stress? How do you handle it?

The post How to Beat 5 Back-to-School Stressors That Strain Marriages appeared first on iMOM.

It’s easy to let the days slip by, lost in our separate worlds. It’s also easier to stew about things than to bring them up. It can even be easier to find love and comfort in friends or our children instead of our husbands. Checking out of marriage is easy. But if you want a better marriage, think about these 3 things first—before taking the easy way out.

1. Positive interactions create more positive interactions.

“I’m glad you’re back,” I said. My husband had just walked through the door after being away for a week and I could hardly contain my excitement. My human dish washer had returned! My fellow Uber driver could resume tomorrow! A bedtime before midnight started to look more like a reality.

Buuuuuuuut.

I first made him a snack in the kitchen and sat down on a kitchen stool to hear a bit about his trip. The thing is, when we create positive interactions with our spouses, we encourage and invite positive interactions in return. And it becomes a cycle of goodwill. It’s not always easy to do, especially when we’re tired, hungry, cranky or all three. But positive interactions build on each other, creating a foundation of trust and kindness that are likely to multiply.

Bottom line: Take the time to find out more about what’s happening in your husband’s world.

2. Women’s health benefits from a good marriage.

“Marriage is associated with better health, but chronically distressed marriages can worsen health,” said researcher Rosie Shrout in a study at The Ohio State University. This means that daily arguments with your husband can have a seriously negative affect on your immune system and general wellbeing. If finances or childcare are a persistent source of conflict between you two, it’s time to figure out how to get past this wall.

The study revealed that poor communication patterns along with more negative interactions on a day-to-day basis led to fewer positive emotions and wounds that healed more slowly. Shrout said that “[C]hronic negativity and acute negativity had emotional, relational and immune effects—most notably for women.” So, for your own welfare, instead of checking out of marriage, make the effort to address tough topics with your husband and try to work through them.

Bottom line: Fight the urge to be negative or critical, and try to understand your husband’s point of view.

3. Staying involved in your marriage benefits your kids now and in the future.

We all go through seasons in marriage. And when we’re raising kids, it’s easy to put our marriage on the back burner so we can focus on them.

But our kids are watching. By working on our marriage, we’ll be good role models for them. They’ll learn what a loving, respectful relationship looks like and, according to research published in the journal Demography, they’ll be less likely to escape our homes for an early marriage of their own. In other words, they will be more likely to wait for the right person to marry. The study also noted that “when parents love each other, they tend to invest more in their children, leading to children remaining in education longer.” It’s another benefit for our kids if we work on our own marriage now.

Bottom line: To give your children the best possible outcome in life, put time into your marriage.

Rather than checking out of marriage, what can you do today to work toward a more loving relationship?

The post 3 Things to Do When You’re Tempted to Check Out of Your Marriage appeared first on iMOM.

It can break a marriage when you and your partner disagree about having children. But the way you handle this major issue can actually bring you closer together if you approach it the right way. If you and your husband aren’t on the same page, here’s how to navigate the conversation and find common ground.

1. Make a plan to talk about it.

Deciding to have another baby is a huge deal, which means it’s likely you both feel passionate about your position. Sometimes, when we’re afraid of “not getting our way” on an issue we care deeply about, it’s easier just to ignore the problem and hope it works itself out.

When you and your partner disagree about having children, making a plan to talk it over will help keep feelings from festering and possibly prevent a blow-up that could do permanent damage to your relationship.

2. Share your dreams, not your demands.

If you want another baby, express your desire, but frame it as a heartfelt dream rather than a demand. “It makes my heart feel full to envision a minivan full of kids” goes down better than, “Oh, we’re having more, whether you like it or not.” Honesty fosters empathy and allows you to understand one another’s feelings better.

3. Seek to understand where the other is coming from.

This isn’t the time to brush off your debate team skills. It’s time to listen and connect. Sit down and ask each other questions like, “Can you help me understand why you feel this way?” Try empathizing with words like, “I hear you, and I get it.” I know when I feel heard, it softens me to the other person’s ideas.

My friend whose husband wanted one child opened up about feeling like his parents didn’t have time for him when he was a kid. He told her he wanted to give everything he had to their one child. Even though my friend saw it differently, she just listened and thanked him for being honest with her.

4. Dig deeper.

The first reason one of you gives for feeling the way you feel might not be the full story. You’ve got to dig. Maybe he doesn’t want another baby because you had post-partum depression, and he can’t watch you go through it again. Or perhaps you haven’t been honest with him about your struggle to balance work and family life, and that’s why you can’t imagine adding another child to the mix.

By going deeper you might discover there’s a resolution that puts you on the same page. The greater gift is that you’ll be growing in intimacy which always leads to a deeper bond.

5. Address practical concerns head-on.

Financial worries and logistical hurdles are real. If these are the main concerns, address them head-on. Look at your budget to see how another child might impact your finances. Research childcare options or discuss potential changes in work schedules. Sharing the responsibility shows your commitment to making it work.

6. Take a breather.

This probably won’t be solved in one conversation, so you might need to table it for a while. My friend was wholeheartedly opposed to having a third baby. But after her second child started preschool, she had a change of heart and told her husband she’d be open to another. When you and your partner disagree about having children, you might need to wait until you’re through a hard season, like the diaper years or a colicky baby.

7. Accept the decision.

Ultimately, a strong relationship is built on mutual respect. If, after honest exploration, you and your husband find yourselves fundamentally incompatible on this issue, someone has to give and honor the other’s wishes. This might be a heartbreaking realization, so leave room for grief. For one of you, life isn’t going to look like what you envisioned.

Remember, motherhood isn’t defined by the number of children you have. The love and joy you bring to your family, however big or small, is what truly matters.

How have you talked through having more kids? Were you and your husband always on the same page?

The post “Want Another Baby?” What to Do When Baby Bump Dreams Don’t Match appeared first on iMOM.

As wives, we’ve probably all stirred up arguments by venting frustrations or misdirecting our stress onto our husbands. In our hearts, we know it’s not healthy and harms our relationship. If you want to stop being a critical wife, try these 5 maneuvers to change the pattern. 

1. Do less complaining and more affirming.

A critical wife highlights flaws. Constant complaining creates a negative atmosphere and fuels tension and defensiveness. Change the pattern by expressing appreciation for the things your husband does right. Celebrate his strengths and efforts. Thank him each time he empties (and carries out!) that stinky kitchen trash. Point out how he put down his phone to build a pillow fort with the kids. Build him up with positive words.

Try this: Set a daily reminder on your phone to text one thing you appreciate about your husband today. These 25 will get you started!

2. Think before you speak in anger.

“You just don’t care!” My mouth spewed those words at my husband before giving my brain time to register the lie. I didn’t mean what I said, and those words tilted the entire conversation downward. And rather than calmly discussing the real issue—our teens’ failing chemistry grade—we battled each other. 

Taking the time to reflect on the root cause of your emotions can help you accurately articulate what’s going on and why you feel a certain way. This reduces the likelihood of sounding like a critical wife by saying things that can cause lasting damage to your relationship.

And, hey, if you do lose your cool, you can still turn it around. After a heated argument, a study from UC Berkeley discovered that it makes a more significant difference to the peace in a relationship when wives calm down. “Emotions such as anger and contempt can seem very threatening for couples. But our study suggests that if spouses, especially wives, are able to calm themselves, their marriages can continue to thrive,” Dr. Lian Bloch, the lead author, shared.

Try this: As a couple, come up with a “tag out” word for either of you to say when you need a moment to step away and cool off. Peeps. Pineapple. Yellowstone. The word doesn’t matter, just that you both know it and give each other the space to step away from a conversation when it’s used.

3. Use “I Feel” Statements

Effective communication involves expressing your feelings and being receptive to your husband’s emotions. Using “I feel” statements helps create a space for open dialogue without placing blame and triggering defensiveness. Here’s how they work: “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [impact].” 

Try this: Practice using “I feel” statements. Rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel unheard and frustrated when I don’t feel like my perspective is acknowledged.” 

4. Focus on your own growth

You can’t change your husband (and aren’t responsible for his growth either). You are, however, responsible for your own growth. So, instead of fixating on his shortcomings, redirect your energy toward personal development. Ask yourself: Why do you think you spend more time pointing out what your husband does wrong rather than what he does right? How do you feel after criticizing your husband? How do you think being a critical wife changes the way you view your husband? What strategies do you use to cope with stress and prevent it from negatively influencing your communication?

Try this: Ask your husband what change you could make to communicate better with him. Then work on it!

5. Be patient.

It takes time to change communication patterns in your relationship. Remember, you’re playing the long game. Be patient with yourself as you work toward being less of a critical wife. And talk with your husband about your efforts.

Try this: Check in with each other about the process. Point out the positive ways you are both evolving in the way you talk with each other. Ask him if he can tell a difference in you. 

How do you think being a critical wife (or husband) impacts the overall atmosphere in a marriage?

The post How to Stop Pointing Out What Your Husband Does Wrong appeared first on iMOM.

Sometimes we just need reminders. What can I do to show my husband I love him? How can I strengthen our relationship? Start simple. Remind yourself how to be nice to your husband with this list of 9 easy ways.

1. Show him respect.

“Wanna see Mike’s garden?” my friend Katie asked. She pointed to carrots and radishes, and when Mike came over, she slid her arm around his waist. Even if you’re not always on the same page, try to understand each other’s interests. When your husband knows you respect his hobbies and his hard work for the family, he’ll feel loved. How to be nice to your husband starts with showing respect.

2. Listen.

How often have you and your husband had a misunderstanding? You can avoid some of the confusion that comes from only half-listening to each other by turning your body toward your husband and really listening to him. Boston University’s Office of the Ombuds recommends that people try active listening to be more deeply engaged and attentive to what another person is saying. Paraphrase what your husband just said and ask questions to make sure you understand.

3. Be patient with him.

We can be nicer to our husbands when they don’t do things perfectly—like dressing the baby in mismatched clothes or driving closer than you would to the car in front of you. Loving our husbands well means extending grace and patience—the same thing we’d want him to do for us.

4. Think about him when he’s not around—and let him know.

Because being nice to your husband is good for your relationship. It takes 10 seconds to scribble a note or 2.2 seconds to send a text. When he’s not around, I’m trying to pray for my husband too. Why not set a reminder in your phone to do one of these things?

5. Work to understand what he needs in the relationship.

I’ve learned over the years my husband needs a little time after work to decompress. It’s good for our relationship to give him that and I’m grateful when he gives me a break from the kids too. Whether your husband needs time to talk baseball with his friends or time to tinker in the garage, understanding his needs can go a long way to improving your relationship.

6. Know what’s going on in his life.

What’s on your husband’s plate? Does he stress about work or worry about his mother? Is he disappointed he doesn’t exercise more? Ask questions. Find out what’s on his mind. It shows you care, and he might be prompted to learn more about your life in the same conversation.

7. Be tender when he’s vulnerable.

It’s uncomfortable according to James Madison University’s Counseling Center, but it’s not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable. Vulnerability takes courage, and by sharing his feelings with you, your husband’s trying to forge a deeper connection. Be tender with your response! Reassure him of your love and trustworthiness by keeping his secrets and not throwing them back at him later on.

8. Let him know when you’re proud of him.

He doesn’t need to be the guy who gets a raise or wins the local 5K for you to be proud. Maybe he just earns an honest living and is a good dad to your kids. Drop him an affirmation here and there. I’m glad I married you. I’m proud of all your hard work. It’s an easy way to be nice to your husband, and it’ll go a long way.

9. Take the role of biggest fan instead of biggest critic.

Pointing out your husband’s flaws and constantly criticizing the way he does something can be really harmful for your marriage. I know I have to bite my tongue in the car when my husband drives, for example, because I don’t want to be the person in his life who constantly makes him feel less than. To be nice[er] to your husband, look for opportunities to build him up instead.

What do you do to go out of your way to be nice to your husband?

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