After the lights went out in our bedroom, I reached over and tapped the lump next to me. “I’m worried about him,” I said. My husband groaned. “We need to sleep,” he said. “I don’t want to keep talking about it.” I retracted my hand and readjusted the blankets. My mind still whirled with thoughts about our kid. After a moment, he said, “Let’s just go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”
Aside from the normal stuff like bills, work, and what to eat for dinner, having a child can cause a considerable amount of stress. But protecting your marriage is important. Here are 5 ways to do that when kids are putting stress on your marriage.
1. Set boundaries and limits.
When one of our kids is going through something, I want to talk to my husband about it…a lot. But for him, it’s too much. Too much analyzing, ruminating, and discussion of any topic involving our kids stresses him out. We’ve had to set limits.
If your worries about your kids spread into every aspect of your life, it can put stress on your marriage. Obviously, if something’s going on, it’s important to talk about it. But for the sake of your relationship, you may want to set some boundaries such as no discussion about the kids after 8. Or let’s not bring up difficult conversations once we’re in bed.
2. Support each other in front of them.
You and your husband are a team. Not supporting each other, especially when the kids are watching, can put stress on marriage. Even if you don’t agree on everything (and who does?), it’s still important to be a unified front. It gives children a sense of safety and security when they see their parents getting along. If you disagree with your husband, bring it up later in private. Give him grace in the moment and by the time you raise the issue later, you’ll be calmer, and the discussion will probably go a lot smoother.
3. Maintain kid-free time in your relationship.
If your kids are with you all day (and possibly all night), you’re probably missing out on quality time to connect with your husband. Having kid-free time together is like peanut butter between two slices of bread. How else will the sandwich stick together?
When you’re working so hard to be a good mom, it can be easy to forget who you were before having kids and what your romantic relationship was like. But here’s your reminder to not forget! Carve out time to spend with your husband this week, and make plans to have fun together. When you’re connected emotionally with your spouse, there’s less room for the stresses of parenting to impact your relationship.
4. Separate your kid’s stress from you.
Twice a year, my daughter has a piano recital. And for the week leading up to both performances, she’s a total stress ball. I get nervous for her too, but when I absorb her stress, it tends to make things worse for my daughter—and my husband.
“Psychological research has shown that stress and anxiety are contagious,” says clinical neuropsychologist William Stixrud. And being able to hold our kids’ stress at a distance and not let it affect us is super hard. But if we’re a calm presence for our kids, it’ll carry over to our other relationships. Let’s not add extra stress on our marriage.
5. Seek balance in your life and your marriage.
On a family trip to NYC, my husband took the kids to a Broadway show in the afternoon while I visited an art museum. I could’ve sat through the kid musical, but I’m glad I didn’t. I had a great time on my own, going at my own pace and looking at the Van Goghs and Monets. I didn’t realize how much I needed that space. At the end of the day, I was eager to see my family again and felt grateful for the time alone to recharge.
When you have room to breathe, to think about your needs, and to focus on yourself and your marriage, the whole family benefits. It’s about finding a good balance with all that you have going on in life. Parenting is stressful, but you don’t have to live in a constant state of stress. It’s not healthy for anyone, and it’s definitely not good for your marriage.
What causes stress on marriage aside from parenting?
