When your husband waits too long to step on the brakes, do you thrust your hand forward to brace yourself on the dashboard or reach up and grip the handle above the window? Either way, I hope you step on the invisible brake pedal on the floor. That always does the trick! On the list of locations and reasons couples argue (at least the couple I make up one-half of), driving in the car has to be near the top.
I don’t know any couple immune to tiffs over things like speed, temperature, or choosing a parking spot, but you can bring peace to your drive time. Since you’re probably not hiring a chauffeur any time soon, here’s what’s behind the fights and 4 things you can do to reduce the car-nage when you and your husband ride together.
First, which of these reasons couples argue in the car sounds most familiar?
In a survey by HideThatScratch.com, both men and women were asked what riles them up the most.
86% (so nearly everyone) said their spouse showing road rage enrages them.
80% said speed. Driving too fast (or too slow) got their heart racing.
60% of the women said him not asking for directions. Stereotype: reinforced.
Also in the top five—spouses criticizing their driving and disagreeing over what comes through the speakers.
What’s really driving those fights?
The passenger is uncomfortable not having control.
Research by Ittner, Mühlbacher, and Weisswange published in 2020 found that feelings of anxiety or discomfort can be caused by the passenger believing the situation is dangerous even if it’s not. When my husband (who’s been driving for 40 years and has never rear-ended someone) waits a millisecond too long to hit the brakes, I suck in a quick bit of air. I feel unsafe and exposed because I’m in this metal box going 60 miles per hour and have no control over whether we stop or plow into that semi. What he hears when I gasp is, You dummy. Don’t you know how to drive? I can’t trust you. And that’s a heavy blow to the man who loves me and would protect me at all costs.
Your nervous systems are mismatched.
The nervous systems of the driver and passenger also play a role in reasons couples argue in the car. I see this every time my husband gets within five minutes of a destination he’s unfamiliar with. He aggressively turns down whatever we’re listening to, and I say, “Dude! Chill.” (He doesn’t seem to like that.)
A driver is on high alert, focused on the road, and ready to react quickly. This can make him tense and defensive. Passengers, on the other hand, are usually more relaxed. This inequality in how stressed each person feels can easily lead to arguments.
There are unresolved issues you’ve brought into the drive.
The passive-aggressive language you were throwing at your husband about your mother-in-law while you were in your kitchen could turn into full aggression once you’re in the car and feel agitated by his driving or a traffic jam. If you’re ready to rumble before you even get in the car, being stuck in a metal capsule with nowhere to escape can cause frustrations to simmer and erupt.
Here’s how to shift gears from bickering to bonding.
Speak gently and avoid generalizations: Instead of sweeping accusations, like “You ALWAYS drive way too fast. You’re gonna get us killed!” try “Hey babe, I know you have control of the car, but I’d feel safer if you drove a little slower.”
Leave the baggage at home: Don’t use car time to rehash a fight you had earlier. The confined space ratchets up the stress level.
Go in prepared: Does he like to blast the air? Bring a sweater or keep a blanket stashed in the car. Running late to a dinner party? Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that barking at him that he missed a quicker route isn’t worth it. Close your eyes during the ride if you need to.
Look at drives together as opportunities to grow: Conflict in the car gives you a chance to practice empathy, compromise, and most importantly, laugh at yourselves. Do this, and you’ll be on your way from relationship gridlock to greenlight in no time.
What causes the most fights in the car for you and your husband?
