“You just don’t seem to get it,” I staunchly proclaimed to my husband. “She doesn’t know anyone in any of her classes, and in her lunch period, she’ll be alone.” I could feel my stress rising with each passing second. “Why aren’t you more upset about it?” I pushed. Only later did I realize I sounded just like my 14-year-old. Her stress had become my stress, and unfortunately, my husband came under friendly fire as I shot off at him.
As moms, we can sometimes take on our kids’ emotional burdens about the new school year even though they aren’t ours to carry. Unfortunately, that’s not the only situation experienced during the back-to-school season that can increase arguments or misunderstandings with your husband. See how to overcome 5 common drivers of stress in marriage when the kids head back to the classroom.
1. The Mental Load Overload
If moms could put running shoes on our brains, the back-to-school season would be the time to lace up. We’ve got a lot dashing around in our heads right now. School supplies shopping, scheduling and taking the kids to doctor’s appointments, filling out all the school forms, and memorizing the new bus schedules. Oh, and this is in addition to our usual stuff. It’s no wonder we snap a bit more at our husbands, which we all know increases stress in marriage.
Solution: Share the mental load with your husband. Sit down, create a list of what needs to get done, and decide together who will do what. For example, my husband schedules all the appointments, and I take the girls. He also fills out all the back-to-school forms. Establish clear expectations. And, Mom, let go—even if your husband does it differently than you would.
2. The Time Crunch
Getting back into the swing of school schedules can be a bit bumpy as everyone adjusts. And, between early morning buses or drop-offs, after-school activities starting back up, and homework battles, there’s little room for quality time as a couple. This can leave you and your husband feeling disconnected from each other. However, it’s vital to prioritize your relationship, even in the middle of the chaos, to keep you centered on your most important relationship.
Solution: To increase connection and decrease stress in a marriage, redefine what quality time with each other looks like. A date night is great, but it’s not the only way to stay connected. Meaningful time together could be sitting on the sidelines talking about your day while your kid’s at soccer practice or FaceTiming while you each sit in different cars at different practice fields. Or it could be a mini check-in during the day with a heartfelt text.
3. The “Invisible Partner” Feeling
With kids demanding constant attention (and the barrage of school emails filling your inbox), it’s easy to feel you’re single-handedly managing the back-to-school transition. And while for some moms, this can leave us with that mental load overload mentioned above, for others, we thrive. Back to school becomes classified as a “mom and kids” zone. This could leave your husband feeling left out as he tries to figure out how to fit in. Your husband might wonder if he is doing enough as a parent.
Solution: Check in with your husband. Even if you’ve always handled this part of parenting, he may still feel invisible or left out. Listen to him and his needs. Ask for specific ways he wants to be involved, and then commit to stepping back so he can step forward.
4. The Financial Pinch
Even if you saved every half-used pencil and glue stick and fumigated last year’s backpack to use again, this time of year comes at a cost. New clothes, school supplies, and extracurricular fees can lead to financial strain and arguments.
Solution: Plan and budget together. You can find many back-to-school budget calculators to help you estimate costs.
5. The “Identity Shift” Struggle
During your kids-in-school era, it’s easy to lose yourself in your “mom” identity. You become “Aidan’s mom,” “Room Mom,” “Team Mom,” and, of course, just “Mom.” Your kids need more of you during the school year, which can sometimes leave your own goals and needs being set aside. Feeling lost or unfulfilled can lead you to withdraw emotionally and increase irritability, especially toward your husband.
Solution: Social researcher and author Shaunti Feldhahn found that men and women share this belief: “If my spouse is willing to make the effort to take care of herself/himself, it means they care about me—and if they aren’t willing to make that effort, it means they don’t really care about me.” So, take care of yourself. Carve out space for things you love to do. And encourage your husband to do the same.
During the back-to-school season, what causes you and your husband stress? How do you handle it?
