On a random Wednesday working from home, my husband and I both found ourselves fixing lunch at the same time. “Can we catch up a little while we eat?” I asked. Usually, the workdays are so busy that if we’re not eating on our feet, we’re eating in front of our computers or phones. This day, we made a face-to-face, sit-down meal happen—just the two of us. And we both realized we needed more of this sort of thing.
It’s easy to let the days slip by, lost in our separate worlds. It’s also easier to stew about things than to bring them up. It can even be easier to find love and comfort in friends or our children instead of our husbands. Checking out of marriage is easy. But if you want a better marriage, think about these 3 things first—before taking the easy way out.
1. Positive interactions create more positive interactions.
“I’m glad you’re back,” I said. My husband had just walked through the door after being away for a week and I could hardly contain my excitement. My human dish washer had returned! My fellow Uber driver could resume tomorrow! A bedtime before midnight started to look more like a reality.
Buuuuuuuut.
I first made him a snack in the kitchen and sat down on a kitchen stool to hear a bit about his trip. The thing is, when we create positive interactions with our spouses, we encourage and invite positive interactions in return. And it becomes a cycle of goodwill. It’s not always easy to do, especially when we’re tired, hungry, cranky or all three. But positive interactions build on each other, creating a foundation of trust and kindness that are likely to multiply.
Bottom line: Take the time to find out more about what’s happening in your husband’s world.
2. Women’s health benefits from a good marriage.
“Marriage is associated with better health, but chronically distressed marriages can worsen health,” said researcher Rosie Shrout in a study at The Ohio State University. This means that daily arguments with your husband can have a seriously negative affect on your immune system and general wellbeing. If finances or childcare are a persistent source of conflict between you two, it’s time to figure out how to get past this wall.
The study revealed that poor communication patterns along with more negative interactions on a day-to-day basis led to fewer positive emotions and wounds that healed more slowly. Shrout said that “[C]hronic negativity and acute negativity had emotional, relational and immune effects—most notably for women.” So, for your own welfare, instead of checking out of marriage, make the effort to address tough topics with your husband and try to work through them.
Bottom line: Fight the urge to be negative or critical, and try to understand your husband’s point of view.
3. Staying involved in your marriage benefits your kids now and in the future.
We all go through seasons in marriage. And when we’re raising kids, it’s easy to put our marriage on the back burner so we can focus on them.
But our kids are watching. By working on our marriage, we’ll be good role models for them. They’ll learn what a loving, respectful relationship looks like and, according to research published in the journal Demography, they’ll be less likely to escape our homes for an early marriage of their own. In other words, they will be more likely to wait for the right person to marry. The study also noted that “when parents love each other, they tend to invest more in their children, leading to children remaining in education longer.” It’s another benefit for our kids if we work on our own marriage now.
Bottom line: To give your children the best possible outcome in life, put time into your marriage.
Rather than checking out of marriage, what can you do today to work toward a more loving relationship?
