“Sometimes I feel like I can never do anything right,” my husband shared with me after an argument that I started over a dirty kitchen. It wasn’t really about the piles of dishes, though, or my husband. Rather, I felt overwhelmed with work deadlines, the emotional demands of parenting teens, and an overbooked calendar. When I saw one more thing I felt like I needed to take care of, I turned into a critical wife and blamed him for leaving it for me. I should confess he was cooking dinner at the time after a full day of work, too.
As wives, we’ve probably all stirred up arguments by venting frustrations or misdirecting our stress onto our husbands. In our hearts, we know it’s not healthy and harms our relationship. If you want to stop being a critical wife, try these 5 maneuvers to change the pattern.
1. Do less complaining and more affirming.
A critical wife highlights flaws. Constant complaining creates a negative atmosphere and fuels tension and defensiveness. Change the pattern by expressing appreciation for the things your husband does right. Celebrate his strengths and efforts. Thank him each time he empties (and carries out!) that stinky kitchen trash. Point out how he put down his phone to build a pillow fort with the kids. Build him up with positive words.
Try this: Set a daily reminder on your phone to text one thing you appreciate about your husband today. These 25 will get you started!
2. Think before you speak in anger.
“You just don’t care!” My mouth spewed those words at my husband before giving my brain time to register the lie. I didn’t mean what I said, and those words tilted the entire conversation downward. And rather than calmly discussing the real issue—our teens’ failing chemistry grade—we battled each other.
Taking the time to reflect on the root cause of your emotions can help you accurately articulate what’s going on and why you feel a certain way. This reduces the likelihood of sounding like a critical wife by saying things that can cause lasting damage to your relationship.
And, hey, if you do lose your cool, you can still turn it around. After a heated argument, a study from UC Berkeley discovered that it makes a more significant difference to the peace in a relationship when wives calm down. “Emotions such as anger and contempt can seem very threatening for couples. But our study suggests that if spouses, especially wives, are able to calm themselves, their marriages can continue to thrive,” Dr. Lian Bloch, the lead author, shared.
Try this: As a couple, come up with a “tag out” word for either of you to say when you need a moment to step away and cool off. Peeps. Pineapple. Yellowstone. The word doesn’t matter, just that you both know it and give each other the space to step away from a conversation when it’s used.
3. Use “I Feel” Statements
Effective communication involves expressing your feelings and being receptive to your husband’s emotions. Using “I feel” statements helps create a space for open dialogue without placing blame and triggering defensiveness. Here’s how they work: “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [impact].”
Try this: Practice using “I feel” statements. Rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel unheard and frustrated when I don’t feel like my perspective is acknowledged.”
4. Focus on your own growth
You can’t change your husband (and aren’t responsible for his growth either). You are, however, responsible for your own growth. So, instead of fixating on his shortcomings, redirect your energy toward personal development. Ask yourself: Why do you think you spend more time pointing out what your husband does wrong rather than what he does right? How do you feel after criticizing your husband? How do you think being a critical wife changes the way you view your husband? What strategies do you use to cope with stress and prevent it from negatively influencing your communication?
Try this: Ask your husband what change you could make to communicate better with him. Then work on it!
5. Be patient.
It takes time to change communication patterns in your relationship. Remember, you’re playing the long game. Be patient with yourself as you work toward being less of a critical wife. And talk with your husband about your efforts.
Try this: Check in with each other about the process. Point out the positive ways you are both evolving in the way you talk with each other. Ask him if he can tell a difference in you.
How do you think being a critical wife (or husband) impacts the overall atmosphere in a marriage?
