After a couple of decades of marriage, I realized something unsettling: My husband and I had grown apart. We rarely had deep discussions. We mostly just parented together. And even as we parented, it just felt like we were in different places. I wasn’t sure how we’d gotten there, but I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to stay. I had to figure out how to close the distance in a relationship that was struggling.
If two people don’t work at cultivating intimacy, they won’t develop it accidentally. Instead, the distance between them will grow over time, and they’ll feel like strangers. The course can be reversed, but it takes time and intention. Here’s how to close the distance in a relationship that’s grown apart.
1. Ask good questions.
How does your husband perceive your relationship? Does he agree that you’re distant? And if he does, what does he attribute it to? If he doesn’t, is he satisfied with where you are? Asking questions helps you create space for your husband to actually help name what is going on before you begin doing the work.
2. Listen.
Of course, if you’re going to ask questions, you better listen to his response. And I don’t just mean you need to hear the words he says. You really need to listen to understand. If he’s heartbroken, you know he cares as much about repairing this as you do. If he’s callous, you’ve got to figure out how to rekindle the fire in your relationship. Either way, you can’t understand how to close the distance in a relationship that’s grown apart if you don’t listen to what your husband’s telling you.
3. Tell the truth.
In this situation, it may be tempting to say whatever you think your husband wants to hear. After all, your desire is to close the distance, to rekindle romance. It’s easy to take a “whatever it takes” approach. However, if the desire is lasting intimacy, you have to tell him the truth about how you’re feeling. Are there things he’s done to push you away? Has he hurt you? Are there confessions you need to make? This can be incredibly difficult, but it’s essential if you’re really going to begin to reconcile.
4. Love tangibly.
Saying you love someone is important, but showing you love someone matters even more. Identify tangible ways to show your love. Not only does this communicate love more clearly than simple words, but it shows a willingness on your part to change. The act of thinking about how to practically love your husband forces you to think about him, what he likes or doesn’t like, what makes him happy, what turns him on. It’s more than just the action itself; it’s how the action begins to change you.
5. Persevere.
If you’ve been drifting apart for years, prepare to be in this for the long haul. One day, one week, even one month of being attentive to how to close the distance in a relationship is just the beginning. It’s taken you years to get to this place, so you’re going to need to be committed to long-term change.
From the beginning, commit to persevering until you experience a breakthrough in your relationship. You don’t become the kind of person who can run a marathon after a few weeks of jogging. Likewise, you don’t become the kind of person who can cultivate intimacy in your marriage after a few weeks of change. Perseverance is key.
What other ideas would work for closing the distance between you and your husband?
