The lessons my husband and I learned as kids about marriage varied significantly. My husband never saw or heard his parents argue. From his perspective, his parents always agreed on everything all the time. My childhood? Let’s just say my parents tended to hold heated exchanges wherever they bubbled up. So, when Clay and I married, we needed more than a few communication tips for couples, especially around conflict resolution.
The healthiest strategy we learned early on encouraged us to focus on our own feelings and experiences rather than blurting out those classic statements couples say in arguments: “You never…” and “You always…” Instead, we started using “I feel” statements like this: “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [impact].” Although it sounds too simple to work, here are 5 reasons why making the shift to using “I feel” statements can be how to communicate with your spouse better.
1. Reduces Defensiveness
“I feel” statements focus on your own feelings and perspective rather than placing blame on your husband. Taking ownership of your feelings makes you less likely to trigger a defensive reaction from him. Beginning a potentially difficult conversation with “I feel” statements sets you both up for a healthy discussion. After all, you aren’t judging or criticizing your husband.
Research backs this up. “Using I-language and communicating perspective were both found to reduce perceptions of hostility…[and] reduce the chances that conflict discussion will descend into a downward spiral of hostility,” explains Dr. Shane L. Rogers of a peer-reviewed research study.
For example, instead of saying this: “You always change plans without telling me.”
Say this: “I feel frustrated when plans change without communication because it also impacts the kid’s schedules that I need to rearrange.”
2. Increases Emotional Intimacy
Expressing emotions through “I feel” statements encourages vulnerability as you both openly share your internal experiences. And vulnerability deepens your emotional intimacy because you’re choosing to trust each other with your feelings and why you feel the way you do.
For example, instead of saying this: “You’re not even really listening to me.”
Say this: “I feel ignored and unimportant when you check your texts when we’re talking because I worry I don’t matter as much to you as what’s on your phone.”
3. Encourages Open and Empathic Communication
As you practice expressing your emotions in a non-confrontational way, you learn how to communicate with your spouse better and create a healthier emotional environment within your relationship, too. “I feel” statements invite your husband to understand your perspective and practice empathy.
For example, instead of saying this: ”You never want to just hold me anymore. You always expect sex.”
Say this: ”I feel unloved and unseen when everything physical leads to sex because, after a tough day, I just need to be held without someone wanting one more thing from me.”
4. Focuses on Solutions
“I feel” statements help clarify your needs and preferences, making it easier for your husband to understand what actions or changes might fix the situation. By focusing on your emotions, you encourage a constructive discussion about how you can work together to find a solution. In fact, a research study led by Dr. Rachel A. Simmons showed that couples who used more “I-language” and less “you-language” reported better problem-solving abilities and higher marital satisfaction when compared to other married couples.
For example, instead of saying this: “Stop leaving your stuff everywhere when you get home.”
Say this: “I feel overwhelmed when there’s a lot of clutter in the house because I feel like I need to straighten up instead of relax after working all day.”
5. Improves Your Emotional Intelligence
Using “I feel” statements requires self-awareness and the ability to identify and articulate your emotions effectively. It takes practice to get in the habit of pausing and assessing your emotions before blurting out words in the heat of the moment, which is the opposite of how to communicate with your spouse better. Right?! So, keep working on it together. You won’t always get it right all the time. That’s OK. Practicing forgiveness and grace also goes a long way in building a healthy marriage.
For example, instead of saying this: “You never do anything to discipline the kids. You make me be the bad guy all the time.”
Say this: “I feel alone in parenting when I’m the only one giving out consequences. I need the kids to see we’re on the same page.”
Have you ever struggled with how to communicate with your spouse better? What worked for you?
