My husband, an associate pastor, and I had a premarital counseling session with a young surgeon and his fiancée. At the end of our meeting, the young woman asked for ideas for how to connect with your spouse. We glanced at each other and smiled. “The Ally” came out of our mouths at the same time. We laughed like teens in love.
For the past seven years, my husband and I have remained committed to our once-a-month Ally date. It is our marriage anchor. Our Ally date encourages us to share and connect with each other on a deeper level. Here’s what an Ally date is and why you and your husband need it, too.
What is an Ally date?
It’s lovely to have carefree conversations, but the Ally date is a way to truly connect with your spouse. Several years ago, I sat across from my husband on a date, and talked on and on about the kids. I badgered him with questions, trying to connect with him, but then, I literally ran out of words. We became that silent, disconnected couple many of us have seen in restaurants.
“How are you feeling emotionally?” I asked, breaking the silence. My husband, usually a man of few words, shifted his head toward me and spiraled into a five-minute answer. We alternated asking each other questions about how we’re doing revolving around six words that end in ALLY: physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally, financially, and spiritually. Here’s how it’s changed our conversations.
PhysicALLY
How you’re doing physically affects your marriage. On an Ally date a couple of years ago, my husband shared, “I feel a little sluggish and I know it’s because I haven’t been running.” The more he talked, it became apparent that he didn’t feel safe running after the shooting of Ahmaud Arbery. When it happened, we had discussed the injustice on a social level, but not how Arbery’s death was affecting him personally and as a result, physically. Learning about his concerns gave me the chance to support him in a new way. Now, meeting halfway, we walk together in the mornings.
EmotionALLY
I was three weeks into taking a new medication when the hot flashes, negative self-talk, and fears of being suicidal shoved me into an empty, dark hole. “I feel like I’m going crazy,” I cried to my husband on an Ally date. After backtracking to the origin of my symptoms, we concluded, as did my doctor, the altering of my emotions was from the medication. Sharing how you are emotionally helps you connect with your spouse because it creates space for you to walk alongside one another.
SexuALLY
As someone who suffers with crippling endometriosis flare-ups, my physical pain affects us sexually. “I miss you, but my body cringes at the thought of having sex right now,” I told my husband on an Ally date recently. “We’ll just increase our hugs, touches, cuddles, and kisses,” my husband reminded me with a wink. When you share how you are sexually, you get to discuss and find different ways of being intimate.
MentALLY
At the rise of the pandemic, I went to the emergency room complaining of chest pain. “You are having a panic attack,” the physician said after a series of tests. Telling my husband how the pandemic affected my mental health on an Ally date inspired us to read more and research breathing exercises to help me in the future. Sharing with your husband how you are mentally gets your thoughts out of your head and can be a step toward getting the help you need.
FinanciALLY
Last year, our oldest graduated from high school a year early and we celebrated with a family trip to Italy. During an Ally date at a little chalet overlooking the Adriatic sea, my husband shared his desire to travel more. ‘With one less kid to teach, I can go back to work part-time and pay for our yearly family vacations,” I said. Discussing how you are financially allows you to make changes and set new goals for your family.
SpirituALLY
When we talk about how we’re doing spiritually, we open up with each other about how we’re communicating or connecting with God. When only worship leaders were allowed in the church at the start of the pandemic, the choir director texted me a picture of my husband playing the drums. “Playing the drums is like speaking a language that connects me to God,” my husband said on an Ally date. My husband’s passion inspired me to go out and buy him a djembe drum. He plays it now as a form of spiritual practice, and I get to enjoy listening and watching him play.
Which of the Ally topics would help you connect with your spouse more?
This article was written by Kadine Christie.
