Maybe you’re not trying to have another baby, but you and your husband are in a dry spell caused by your kids’ need for attention or insatiable nosiness. A weekend away is great, but how often can you really do that? When you have no time for sex (and no privacy), it’s time to get creative with these 5 ways to sneak in alone time with your husband.

1. Tell the kids you need privacy to plan a surprise.

This works for a friend of mine. She and her husband tell their three kids, “Mommy and Daddy have an idea for something fun we can do as a family, but we need time to plan it.” They’ve already made that plan (go see a movie, get ice cream at the new shop), and they use the “meeting time” more wisely. They even tell the kids that interruptions or eavesdropping mean they call off the surprise.

2. Become lunchtime lovers.

Who says a date can’t happen at noon? If you or your husband have the flexibility to work from home or come home in the middle of the day, schedule a “business lunch.” The house will be quiet, and you’ll probably both go back to work with a better attitude.

3. Take a nap (or don’t).

For some parents, the problem isn’t that they have no time for sex—it’s that they have no energy. You can take one of two approaches to utilizing naptime for sex.

Option one: Instead of looking at your kids’ Saturday afternoon nap as a chance for you and your husband to get 30 minutes alone, take a power nap or close your eyes and take deep breaths to recharge. Option two: If you’re not a napper because you can’t slow your mind, and all you do is count the minutes until you have to wake up (or is that just me?), crank up the white noise machine, and lock your door. You might not have time for a full rendezvous, but it could be enough to reignite the flame.

4. Strategize with your sitter.

Planning an actual date night? If you have young kids, agree with your sitter that you’re staying out until the kids are asleep. She can give you the all-clear so romance doesn’t have to hit the brakes when you pull in the driveway.

If you have kids who, by sheer willpower, stay awake until they’re properly tucked in and smooched by you, all hope is not lost. Before you leave to go out, ask the sitter to take them for ice cream while you and your husband “get ready.” By the way, don’t tell your sitter why you’re doing these things. That would be weird.

5. Think outside the bedroom.

If you have older kids and that awkward “I know they know what we’re doing” feeling is making it hard to focus, a change of scenery could be your best bet. A friend has told me that she and her husband sneak off to the laundry room on occasion because their bedroom shares a wall with the kids’ bedroom. I don’t know about you, but my kids stay far away from the laundry room, so that sounds like an ideal spot! Maybe in your house it’s the walk-in-closet or basement. Love knows no bounds!

If none of these ideas would work for you, remember this…

If you have no time for sex and no privacy, remember that your kids knowing that you and your husband love each other and desire one another isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually a wonderful thing because it will give them a sense of security. So don’t freak out if you get walked in on, or your older kids give you the side-eye at breakfast. Your kids and your marriage are going to be just fine.

Got any creative ideas to sneak in time with your husband when the kids are always around?

The post 5 Ways to Sneak in Sex When the Kids Are Always Around appeared first on iMOM.

Reconnecting with your spouse takes effort, but it’s possible, even in a busy or stressful season. It’s about being intentional about intimacy. But I’m not talking about sex. Emotional connection through intimate conversations goes even deeper than sexual intimacy. If you desire closeness with your husband, include these 5 ingredients in your next conversation.

1. Trust

Have you ever started making a dish and realized you were supposed to prep an ingredient beforehand? Like soften the butter or brine the chicken. In intimate conversations, trust is one of the ingredients you need to work on in advance. Without trust, it’s hard for spouses to know that the next four ingredients will be respected or reciprocated.

Building trust that leads to deeper intimacy takes time, but it’s possible. Masterclass suggests couples build trust by honoring boundaries, keeping promises, being honest instead of holding things in, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Does one of those jump out at you as something you can work on? How about your husband? (Don’t be afraid to share this article with him so you can work on this together.)

2. Clarity

“I’m gonna need a minute to put my thoughts together,” I said to my husband when I sensed a talk coming on. We’d been butting heads about finances. I knew my issues were deeper than just the dollar amount in our bank account, and if I could open up and be vulnerable, this was going to be an intimate conversation.

He and I needed to have a heart-to-heart, but first I had to find my words. By taking time to think about what I was feeling and how I wanted to articulate those feelings, I could be clearer and avoid getting frustrated. Sometimes couples fail to go deeper in conversation because they haven’t thought enough about what they really feel and want to say.

3. Persistence

For the past several months, I’ve been getting up early on Saturdays to take long walks. One weekend, my husband said, “I’m glad you’re walking, but I miss you.” I was sweaty and tired, so I smiled and said, “Aw. I love you, too.”

Intimate conversations take digging deeper when your spouse opens up. In a word, it takes persistence. When my husband says, “I miss you,” instead of moving on to discussing the grocery list, I could ask, “Hmm. What do you mean?” He might say, “Meh, nevermind. It’s OK.” To persist would mean I’d say, “Tell me. It’s clearly on your mind.” Maybe he’d say, “I miss laying in bed with you,” or “I miss making coffee and sitting on the couch together.” Then I could look for ways to fill that void he’s feeling.

4. Curiosity

Daniel Berlyne, one of the first psychologists to study curiosity, found that when we don’t know anything about a subject, we don’t tend to show curiosity. When we know too much, we begin to lose curiosity. The sweet spot falls between knowing nothing and thinking we know it all. Ladies, there is always more to learn about your husband.

Weave curiosity in to foster intimate conversations by asking instead of telling. Imagine your husband saying, “Work is killing me right now.” Respond with, “What about it has you so stressed?” instead of “You’re stressed because you’re working too many hours.” You can also try replacing a “but” phrase with appreciation. Instead of saying, “I know you are overwhelmed, but it’s only temporary,” say, “Thank you for telling me you’re overwhelmed. I like knowing how you feel.”

5. Empathy

Ted Lowe, author of Us In Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage, explains how we can miss the empathy boat in conversations. He says sometimes we try to fix our spouse’s emotions because we don’t like their emotions. That’s a quick way to block intimacy.

Instead of fixing, choose empathy by listening and saying, “That’s understandable.” After all, our spouses are not problems to be fixed; they are people to be loved. What would you be more open to: “I want to change you” or “I want to understand you?” When your husband realizes you’re there not to polish or change him, he’ll be more open to intimate conversations and connection.

What other ingredients would you add to make space for intimate conversations with your husband?

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“What?” one person replied.

“We got walked in on!”

Texts started popping up, rapid-fire. Nooooooo!/Oh that’s mortifying./I would die./Searching Amazon for new door locks./What did you do?/What did you say? 

“I told him Daddy was leaning over Mommy giving her kisses.” I could feel the collective cringe from the group.

If you get caught by your kids and they walk in on you having sex, how you respond will stick with them, no matter their age. So here are 6 things to say when your kids walk in on you.

1. “What’s up?”

I think this is the best-case scenario. You and your husband are in a… situation. You hear a noise, look to the doorway and see your footed-pajama-wearing kiddo, bed-headed and sleepy-eyed, staring at you.

If he’s young and doesn’t know what’s going on, a calm-ish, “What’s up, bud?” can keep things from getting weird. He probably just wants a glass of water or a tuck in, and you can return to what you were doing. (Who are we kidding? There’s no coming back from that.)

2. “No one’s hurt.”

A few years ago, my friend found a piece of scrap paper in her daughter’s nightstand drawer. The paper had a list of dates and times down one side. Next to each was a record of how she thought Daddy was hurting Mommy. She was ready to hand it over as evidence should the police arrive.

I’m sure you have a lot of follow-up questions about that story. I did. But the point is, if your kids walk in on you and say something that indicates they were scared by a noise they heard coming from you, reassure them that everyone is OK!

3. “Please go back to your room, and close the door behind you.”

If you can muster up the self-control, this is an excellent alternative to “Get out! Get out! Get out!” Sex is normal and healthy; like many things in parenting, our reaction sets the tone. By staying calm and politely asking your child to leave, you’ll help her learn that some things are private and that sex isn’t something to feel shameful about.

4. “Can we talk?”

If you do freak and pull the covers over your head, and your kid goes running, the wrong response is to pretend it didn’t happen or avoid eye contact until she’s packing up for college. The next morning, over a bowl of cereal, don’t be afraid to bring it up. “Hey, you might be embarrassed, but I want to talk about what happened. We should have had the door locked. I’m sorry.”

Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex, says that acknowledging your mistake for not locking the door will put your child at ease that she didn’t do anything wrong.

5. “What questions do you have?”

If your child asks what you guys were doing, don’t lie and say something like, “We were wrestling.” If we expect our kids to be honest, parents should be honest, too.

Lehman says your answer will depend on your child’s knowledge about sex, babies, and the body. A child who knows the basics could handle a response like, “You know how we talked about how babies are made…?” For a younger child who’s not ready for that talk, a better response could be, “That’s one thing moms and dads do when they love each other.”

6. You’re welcome.

OK, don’t actually say this. Just know that even though getting caught by your kids is awkward, it proves that you and their father love each other and are passionate about one another, which gives them a sense of security. Ideally, they’ll learn that going forward through a more G-rated lesson.

In other words, don’t freak. Your kids will be OK. They aren’t going to be scarred by this. After all, you’re almost over that time you walked in on your parents 30 years ago, right?

So has it happened to you? What did you do when you were caught by your kids?

The post 6 Things to Say if the Kids Walk in on You  appeared first on iMOM.

I wanted to brush it off, but I asked my husband what he thought later that evening. After making a joke about there being seven days in a week, he assured me that he and I were the only ones in this marriage, and ours were the only opinions that mattered. What influences carry weight in your sex life? Here are four that might, including some that could be toxic to your marriage.

1. Friends

Sex might be between you and your spouse, but many of us are guilty of sharing (or oversharing) with friends. I’ve definitely been in conversations that start innocently enough and end with someone confessing something that makes others blush.

And who doesn’t like bonding with friends over feeling too tired or touched out? One of my friends and I joke that before 9 p.m., the answer is usually yes. After 9 is another story. While it’s comforting to know you’re not weird or abnormal, if you find that you’re venting about your sex life or friends’ stories leave you feeling discontent, it’s time to put up some boundaries around these subjects.

2. Media

Whether it’s a steamy novel you read after the kids are in bed or the newest season of Bridgerton, the media we consume influences what we assume sex should look like. It’s easy to forget sex scenes are choreographed. We can easily slip into the trap of thinking sex isn’t good if you are clumsy or feeling unattractive or if it doesn’t start with a passionate glance and ripping each other’s clothes off.

And one of the most toxic influences on a couple’s sex life is pornography. One study found it to be the second strongest predictor of a poor marriage. There’s a common myth that porn within marriage spices things up, but viewing porn can lead to unrealistic expectations, dissatisfaction, emotional distance, and a loss of trust. It also distorts the purpose of sex, turning it into a transaction of pleasure instead of a way to deepen intimacy. If you or your husband view pornography and want to stop, here’s a great resource.

3. Your Family

A friend of mine got married and promptly moved across the country to put distance between his mother and himself. He told me he recognized that their relationship was unhealthy—there was enmeshment, and he felt he’d betrayed his mother by getting married. He recognized that as long as he allowed his mother to hover over his marriage, he would struggle to grow close to his wife.

Entire books are dedicated to family influence on sexual behavior and attitudes toward sex. In Unwanted by Jay Stringer, he says, “Your sexual struggles reveal your wounds, but they also reveal the longings of your heart.” If you struggle to be vulnerable and intimate with your husband, talking to a professional about the messages you received when you were younger could be life-changing.

4. Your Past Experiences With Sex

It would be nice to leave behind everything from before your marriage, setting all the bad influences or mistakes neatly on the other side of your bedroom door. If you have a misguided perception of what a worthy wife does, you might not be comfortable sharing your feelings or preferences with your husband. Maybe you’ve made choices in the past that cause you to carry shame.

In Unwanted, Stringer compares sexual brokenness to a car accident. If you broke your arm in a crash, there would be steps to follow to set it back correctly. With emotional damage, healing will only come to the degree that you’re willing to address the wreckage and begin restoration.

Do any of these influences make you more or less loving and open to your husband?

The post What’s Influencing Your Sex Life? appeared first on iMOM.

We’re all busy these days with jobs, kids, and household maintenance. But romance is important. It’s one of many things that keeps marriages going strong. Don’t you think? Let’s get your hubby on board with these 5 things to rev up the romance in your marriage.

1. Talk to him about romance.

I left my daughter’s room whispering final good-night wishes and found my husband on the couch, feet up and eyes shut. I hesitated, but then cuddled up next to him. His arm dropped to my shoulders. “Sweetie,” I began. “I know you’re tired. But I wanted you to think about something.” One skeptical eye cracked open, but I continued. “I miss those days when we were more romantic with each other.” With his eye trained on me, I kept going. “What if we tried to make romance more of a priority?” And, of course by “we,” I really meant him. He grinned, and I took that as encouragement to continue laying out a plan.

Raising the topic of romance with your husband is the first step. Because we don’t want them to think we’re criticizing them, couch it as a team effort and commit to making more effort as well.

2. Encourage him when he makes effort.

Things for us started off slowly. But I noticed my husband trying. When he passed behind me in the kitchen, he ran his hand along my back or waist. In return, I smiled and told him, “That was nice.” Forming new habits takes time, but with encouragement, it’s easier to keep at it. When he brought home a gallon of my favorite ice cream one evening (and it wasn’t even on the list!), I made sure I let him know I appreciated his thoughtfulness.

Romance can be a slow burn made up of little acts of kindness. Keep noticing his effort and he’ll hopefully respond with more romantic gestures.

3. Lead him in the right direction.

OK, it’s just easier to be direct. My husband knows I like foot rubs, but he might not know when I need one. Being point blank about asking him to rub my feet during a TV show doesn’t steal the romance from the act if he agrees. Rather, it can spark it. There’s no harm in making requests. In fact, it’ll make romance more likely to happen.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married! Things you think he should know by now may be lying dormant in his thoughts. Let him know what you’d like to see in the romance department, and he may pick up on your desire for more intimacy.

4. Return the favor.

Maybe it’s Chinese takeout in front of the fireplace after the kids have gone to bed. Or a coffee run Saturday morning while your hubby sleeps in. If you’re like me, you often have your kids’ needs front of mind and sometimes forget those of your husband. But if you’re noticing little things your husband’s doing for you, it’s good for your relationship if you do the same. What’s the saying? Kindness begets kindness?

If you want your husband to be more romantic, being a little starry-eyed yourself could get things rolling. Everyone likes to be appreciated, and if he’s made effort, do respond in kind.

5. Be romantic together.

What makes your heart skip a beat? Aside from seeing my husband in a suit or with a five o’clock shadow, I feel most romantic toward him when we’re doing something new or different together. “Wanna go out to the fire pit?” When we bring blankets and cozy up together, I tend to forget about that Netflix show I wanted to watch and instead am grateful for the effort we made for each other.

Romance takes effort. Like a good workout, has anyone ever wished afterward that he or she hadn’t done it?

What are your ideas to put more romance in marriage?

The post Ready for Love? 5 Things to Rev Up Romance appeared first on iMOM.

We quickly realized we would need to work on our sex life, or we’d be doomed to have bad sex for our entire marriage. It’s one thing to have a disheartening honeymoon, but what can you do when your sex life continues to be disappointing months or even years into your marriage? Maybe it was once good, but now you’re in a new phase in life and sex is underwhelming or awkward. Don’t settle. Do these 5 things when you’re having disappointing or bad sex.

1. Talk to your husband.

In the early years of marriage, this can feel awkward. However, there’s something worthwhile in expressing yourself gently to your husband. After all, you’re building your life together, and this can’t stop because you’ve hit a roadblock. Take a deep breath and tell him how you’re struggling. And if you’re brave? Ask him how you can improve for him too.

2. Find someone to talk to.

I don’t mean gossiping with your bestie. Sex is extremely personal, and the last thing you need is another person’s opinion clouding your communication with your husband. If you see value in seeking advice, don’t do it behind his back. And whether it’s a counselor, your pastor’s wife, or a friend, make sure you trust this person.

3. Set realistic expectations.

Embrace the good in your sex life. If you’ve struggled (and who hasn’t?), remember there could be hurt feelings or damaged pride. You won’t solve everything overnight, but a step in the right direction can lead to a night you’ll both remember.

4. Take initiative.

It’s easy to stay stuck in a rut. Maybe your sex life isn’t bad but just tolerable. Why not shake things up? If your husband is always the one to initiate sex, take a turn! Or get steamy in a new location or at a new time. Remember how much fun those makeout sessions used to be? Be willing to fight for your sex life. After all, if you’re committed to your marriage, this is the only sex life you’ll have. May as well give it your all!

5. Keep an eye on the long term.

‘Til death do us part, right? The media likes to portray sex as an instantaneous spark, and as if without hot, fiery lovemaking, a relationship isn’t worth your time. But in a loving marriage, you can find something deeper and more satisfying, not to mention sustainable and your own brand of spicy. Remember, it’s not a sprint. This culture wants to convince us that excitement only exists in the fleeting, first-date moments. Let’s prove them wrong.

What would you tell a friend who has confided in you that her married sex life is disappointing?

The post What to Do When Sex Is Disappointing appeared first on iMOM.

If the research on sex is based on a man’s response, then so are all the things the research influences, including our expectations, and that’s problematic. According to recent research, a woman’s sexual response cycle is in fact cyclic—it’s based on her menstrual cycle. Here’s what the female sexual response cycle looks like (It will probably look much more familiar to you than the male cycle!) and why knowing this detail will improve your sex life.

What It’s Actually Like for Women

For women, the sexual response cycle is arousal, desire, climax, resolution. This “order of operations” causes four things to happen that might worry you but are actually totally normal.

1. Women might not always be interested in sex, but they can probably be convinced.

I know a woman who, whenever her husband asks if she wants to have sex when she doesn’t feel like it, responds by telling him, “No, but you can convince me.” You and your husband might be sitting on the couch, and all you have to do is say “bedroom,” and your husband is already heading down the hall. But most women need a little convincing. Start by asking for a nice back rub, and see where it takes you. Take a look at these four things you can do when you’re not in the mood for sex.

2. Women may not always experience an immediate desire for sex.

And that doesn’t mean you’re abnormal or unhealthy! Many women will admit that their lack of desire for sex makes them think that they’re somehow broken. In reality, they’re just built differently than their husbands. While a lack of sex drive might be an indication of hormonal imbalance or other issues, the inability to go from the couch to the bedroom without any encouragement is totally normal for women. It’s more likely just evidence of mismatched sex drives, which is also normal and common.

3. Women can find their husbands attractive, but still not desire sex.

In the months following our son’s birth, heading to the bedroom for anything other than sleep made no sense to me. I was exhausted, hormonal, and still recovering from childbirth, and like many postpartum women, my desire for sex was nonexistent. I knew that this was totally normal; my husband did not. When we finally talked about it, he admitted that he thought he was the reason for my lack of desire. In reality, wives can find their husbands insanely attractive and still not want to have sex without some convincing.

4. Women will most desire sex closer to the time of ovulation, and that desire will slacken as the time of her period approaches.

Many women who are trying to conceive will become familiar with the signs of cyclic fertility, including an increased desire for sex. If you and your husband are aware of the ins and outs of your menstrual cycle, you can accurately anticipate those times when you will be more likely to want sex, as well as when you’ll need a bit more convincing.

How does the nature of women’s sexual response cycle affect the way you and your husband approach sex as a couple?

The post How a Little Science Can Improve Your Sex Life appeared first on iMOM.

Listening to Dr. Slattery, I had two significant revelations. One, I had no idea how ignorant I was about sex. Two, all my challenges in the bedroom were fixable! I wanted to experience sex the way she described it, and I was ready to start doing the work to get there. After years of learning from her podcast, Java with Juli, my sex life has never been more fulfilling. If you are ready to achieve intoxicating intimacy in your marriage, here are 5 fixable problems hindering you in the bedroom.

Fixable Problem 1: A Lack of Sexual Education

Many of our parents did not feel comfortable discussing the details of sex and explaining the functions of our most intimate body parts. So, our education started in school and continued with friends and media. Unfortunately, that was not enough to properly inform us and set us up for healthy married sex lives. Just educating yourself is one of the simplest ideas for how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage. Check out Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman or Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women by Joyce and Clifford Penner. You may also need to speak to a doctor to help you with any issues related to hormones or pain during sex.

Fixable Problem 2: A Disconnect Outside the Bedroom

Are you and your husband disconnected outside of the bedroom? Your level of connection transfers over to physical intimacy. I’ve learned that improving my relationship starts with my efforts; nagging my husband has the opposite effect. If you want to connect, invite your husband to go on walks, plan unique dates, participate in each other’s hobbies. All this helps create a space for relational intimacy to develop, which allows you to feel more connected and safe to engage in physical intimacy.

Fixable Problem 3: Parents Who Never Talked About It

Was sex a taboo topic in your house? Did your parents never show affection with each other? If your parents acted like sex is a bad word, you may have carried shame into your marriage. All this plays into our views on sex. We can retrain our thoughts on the importance of intimacy and make the conscious choice to show our children that it’s worth prioritizing. Counseling, relevant books, and learning God’s design for sex through His word have all helped me work toward what I want to model for my kids in this area.

If your parents acted like sex is a bad word, you may have carried shame into your marriage.
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Fixable Problem 4: Never Talking About Sex

If you never talk about sex with your husband outside the bedroom (or in the bedroom), you’re both missing out! Discussing what you like and don’t like may feel awkward at first, but you’ll both get more comfortable with it as you practice expressing what you need. Engage in conversation about physical intimacy outside of sex and during sex. Work with your husband on sharing your thoughts and desires to achieve the sex life you’re meant to have.

Fixable Problem 5: Past Sexual Trauma

According to the CDC, more than one in three women have been victims of sexual violence, which is horrific. However, there is hope and healing available. To combat the effects of trauma and learn to manage triggers during physical intimacy, find a licensed sex therapist to help you process your feelings and learn to establish safety in sex with your husband. The healing process may take a lot of time and effort, but it’s worth it to work toward thriving intimacy in your marriage.

Which of these problems can you relate to most? Or is there something else getting in the way of a healthy sex life for you and your husband?

The post 5 Fixable Problems Hindering You in the Bedroom appeared first on iMOM.

The key is to be in the moment, be intimate, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Have fun! These 25 ways to flirt with your husband in his love language may be a bit of a tease, but they will get his attention and make him feel not only loved but also wanted.

Acts of Service:

• Make his favorite dessert.
• Run a bath for him with Epsom salts and offer to join him.
• Light some candles or run a diffuser with his favorite oil scents.
• Wash his car in something sexy (a bikini if you dare, but a cute T-shirt would be fine, too).
• Make the bed with sheets that are fresh out of the dryer. Who can resist snuggling in a warm bed together?

Physical Touch:

• When you pass by him, make it a point to graze your fingers across his back.
• Is family movie night killing the romantic vibe? Sit by him so you can play with his hair or squeeze his thigh.
• Play footsie with him under the table during dinner.
• My husband isn’t ticklish, but trying to tickle him usually turns into a fun cat and mouse chase that has us both laughing.
• While holding his hand, squeeze it to the syllables of a secret message that he has to guess. We always start with three squeezes for “I love you.”

Words of Affirmation:

• Wink at him from across the room. There are no words, but a wink still says a lot.
• Send him a voice memo to let him know you’re thinking of him and can’t wait to be with him.
• Tell him how much you love his voice.
• Look at him for a moment and tell him how good-looking he is—pick a different feature every time.
• Send him a secret code with a message that lets him know he is wanted.

Quality Time:

• Enact some screen-free time and give him your full attention while he talks—eye contact required.
• If he usually cooks, ask to join and pour two glasses of wine.
• Ask him questions that make him feel known and desired.
• Wake up together and ask him to stay in bed for a little longer on the weekend. If you have little ones, hang tight. These days will come!
• Arrange childcare and surprise him with a weekend at home—just the two of you.

Receiving Gifts:

• Surprise him with some room service in the morning.
• Buy something sexy for yourself, but put it in a box for him to open.
• Buy him a subscription box that you can enjoy together.
• Make him some “Love Coupons” to enjoy with you in the bedroom.
• Get him his favorite lotion and offer a massage.

Do you know how to flirt with your husband in his love language? Tell us what you like to do.

The post How to Flirt With Your Husband in Every Love Language appeared first on iMOM.

What’s so bad about that? He went to an event he didn’t want to go to or did extra stuff around the house. Why not give him physical affection in exchange? Here are 3 reasons choreplay seems like a good idea but actually can hurt your sex life—and ultimately, your marriage.

Choreplay makes love transactional.

If I’ve learned anything from marriage and motherhood, it’s that if you give love only when you get it, you’re in trouble. We have to choose love, even when we are annoyed, angry, tired, uninspired, or otherwise just not feeling it.

If you’re treating sex like an exchange of goods, what you’re saying is this: I’m willing to give my body and my love only when I receive. It seems harmless until you throw in all the things (stress, hormones, kids, work) that can pull us out of the mood. Then we easily can slide into, “Why should I be willing to give it when I don’t receive?”

If sex can be used as a reward, then it can be withheld as a punishment.

When my son did well on a fall standardized test, we went for ice cream. Fast-forward to the spring. He did fine on the test but didn’t improve as much as some of his peers. We didn’t go for ice cream and he asked if he was in trouble. To him, the lack of a reward felt like a punishment. Truthfully, I had just forgotten and was in a rush to get home after school.

When we use sex to send a conditional message instead of unconditional love, we are saying, sometimes who you are and what you do will not be enough. When we withhold sex, whether we are trying to punish or not, that’s how it will feel to our husbands.

Choreplay is not in line with the purpose of sex.

The purpose of sex is not to get the new patio furniture you’ve been eyeing or to get your husband to say yes to a weekend away with the girls. Sex is not for bribery. Using it as a reward or payment diminishes its purpose. The dual purpose of sex is to create life and unite a couple.

When we start to muddy the purpose of any action, abuse of it is not far behind. For example, food is for fueling our bodies and providing flavors. But when we use it to comfort, escape, or punish, it’s easy to slip into eating disorders and unhealthy relationships with food. When we misuse sex, where do we draw the line? When does using become abusing?

Don’t get me wrong. Sex is a great way to show your husband you see what he’s doing and appreciate him. But for the good of your marriage, you can’t allow choreplay to become the replacement for foreplay.

Be honest. Do you use choreplay? How do you think it’s affected your marriage?

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