Have you ever felt disconnected from your husband? I have, for sure, especially when work has demanded a lot of me and the kids have obligations that pull us in different directions. Maybe for you, a busy toddler has you both exhausted, or a challenging tween leaves the two of you in disagreement on how strict you need to be, and that’s creating a wall.
Reconnecting with your spouse takes effort, but it’s possible, even in a busy or stressful season. It’s about being intentional about intimacy. But I’m not talking about sex. Emotional connection through intimate conversations goes even deeper than sexual intimacy. If you desire closeness with your husband, include these 5 ingredients in your next conversation.
1. Trust
Have you ever started making a dish and realized you were supposed to prep an ingredient beforehand? Like soften the butter or brine the chicken. In intimate conversations, trust is one of the ingredients you need to work on in advance. Without trust, it’s hard for spouses to know that the next four ingredients will be respected or reciprocated.
Building trust that leads to deeper intimacy takes time, but it’s possible. Masterclass suggests couples build trust by honoring boundaries, keeping promises, being honest instead of holding things in, and giving the benefit of the doubt. Does one of those jump out at you as something you can work on? How about your husband? (Don’t be afraid to share this article with him so you can work on this together.)
2. Clarity
“I’m gonna need a minute to put my thoughts together,” I said to my husband when I sensed a talk coming on. We’d been butting heads about finances. I knew my issues were deeper than just the dollar amount in our bank account, and if I could open up and be vulnerable, this was going to be an intimate conversation.
He and I needed to have a heart-to-heart, but first I had to find my words. By taking time to think about what I was feeling and how I wanted to articulate those feelings, I could be clearer and avoid getting frustrated. Sometimes couples fail to go deeper in conversation because they haven’t thought enough about what they really feel and want to say.
3. Persistence
For the past several months, I’ve been getting up early on Saturdays to take long walks. One weekend, my husband said, “I’m glad you’re walking, but I miss you.” I was sweaty and tired, so I smiled and said, “Aw. I love you, too.”
Intimate conversations take digging deeper when your spouse opens up. In a word, it takes persistence. When my husband says, “I miss you,” instead of moving on to discussing the grocery list, I could ask, “Hmm. What do you mean?” He might say, “Meh, nevermind. It’s OK.” To persist would mean I’d say, “Tell me. It’s clearly on your mind.” Maybe he’d say, “I miss laying in bed with you,” or “I miss making coffee and sitting on the couch together.” Then I could look for ways to fill that void he’s feeling.
4. Curiosity
Daniel Berlyne, one of the first psychologists to study curiosity, found that when we don’t know anything about a subject, we don’t tend to show curiosity. When we know too much, we begin to lose curiosity. The sweet spot falls between knowing nothing and thinking we know it all. Ladies, there is always more to learn about your husband.
Weave curiosity in to foster intimate conversations by asking instead of telling. Imagine your husband saying, “Work is killing me right now.” Respond with, “What about it has you so stressed?” instead of “You’re stressed because you’re working too many hours.” You can also try replacing a “but” phrase with appreciation. Instead of saying, “I know you are overwhelmed, but it’s only temporary,” say, “Thank you for telling me you’re overwhelmed. I like knowing how you feel.”
5. Empathy
Ted Lowe, author of Us In Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage, explains how we can miss the empathy boat in conversations. He says sometimes we try to fix our spouse’s emotions because we don’t like their emotions. That’s a quick way to block intimacy.
Instead of fixing, choose empathy by listening and saying, “That’s understandable.” After all, our spouses are not problems to be fixed; they are people to be loved. What would you be more open to: “I want to change you” or “I want to understand you?” When your husband realizes you’re there not to polish or change him, he’ll be more open to intimate conversations and connection.
What other ingredients would you add to make space for intimate conversations with your husband?
