“Guys. It happened,” my friend sent in a group text.
“What?” one person replied.
“We got walked in on!”
Texts started popping up, rapid-fire. Nooooooo!/Oh that’s mortifying./I would die./Searching Amazon for new door locks./What did you do?/What did you say?
“I told him Daddy was leaning over Mommy giving her kisses.” I could feel the collective cringe from the group.
If you get caught by your kids and they walk in on you having sex, how you respond will stick with them, no matter their age. So here are 6 things to say when your kids walk in on you.
1. “What’s up?”
I think this is the best-case scenario. You and your husband are in a… situation. You hear a noise, look to the doorway and see your footed-pajama-wearing kiddo, bed-headed and sleepy-eyed, staring at you.
If he’s young and doesn’t know what’s going on, a calm-ish, “What’s up, bud?” can keep things from getting weird. He probably just wants a glass of water or a tuck in, and you can return to what you were doing. (Who are we kidding? There’s no coming back from that.)
2. “No one’s hurt.”
A few years ago, my friend found a piece of scrap paper in her daughter’s nightstand drawer. The paper had a list of dates and times down one side. Next to each was a record of how she thought Daddy was hurting Mommy. She was ready to hand it over as evidence should the police arrive.
I’m sure you have a lot of follow-up questions about that story. I did. But the point is, if your kids walk in on you and say something that indicates they were scared by a noise they heard coming from you, reassure them that everyone is OK!
3. “Please go back to your room, and close the door behind you.”
If you can muster up the self-control, this is an excellent alternative to “Get out! Get out! Get out!” Sex is normal and healthy; like many things in parenting, our reaction sets the tone. By staying calm and politely asking your child to leave, you’ll help her learn that some things are private and that sex isn’t something to feel shameful about.
4. “Can we talk?”
If you do freak and pull the covers over your head, and your kid goes running, the wrong response is to pretend it didn’t happen or avoid eye contact until she’s packing up for college. The next morning, over a bowl of cereal, don’t be afraid to bring it up. “Hey, you might be embarrassed, but I want to talk about what happened. We should have had the door locked. I’m sorry.”
Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex, says that acknowledging your mistake for not locking the door will put your child at ease that she didn’t do anything wrong.
5. “What questions do you have?”
If your child asks what you guys were doing, don’t lie and say something like, “We were wrestling.” If we expect our kids to be honest, parents should be honest, too.
Lehman says your answer will depend on your child’s knowledge about sex, babies, and the body. A child who knows the basics could handle a response like, “You know how we talked about how babies are made…?” For a younger child who’s not ready for that talk, a better response could be, “That’s one thing moms and dads do when they love each other.”
6. You’re welcome.
OK, don’t actually say this. Just know that even though getting caught by your kids is awkward, it proves that you and their father love each other and are passionate about one another, which gives them a sense of security. Ideally, they’ll learn that going forward through a more G-rated lesson.
In other words, don’t freak. Your kids will be OK. They aren’t going to be scarred by this. After all, you’re almost over that time you walked in on your parents 30 years ago, right?
So has it happened to you? What did you do when you were caught by your kids?
