“Four to five times a week?!” one of my friends blurted in shock and doubt after another proclaimed her… frequency. “My husband would love it if we had a sex life like that.” We all sat around my pool, laughing about our husbands’ expectations versus our energy levels. No one else was hitting the four-times-a-week mark—not by a long shot.
I wanted to brush it off, but I asked my husband what he thought later that evening. After making a joke about there being seven days in a week, he assured me that he and I were the only ones in this marriage, and ours were the only opinions that mattered. What influences carry weight in your sex life? Here are four that might, including some that could be toxic to your marriage.
1. Friends
Sex might be between you and your spouse, but many of us are guilty of sharing (or oversharing) with friends. I’ve definitely been in conversations that start innocently enough and end with someone confessing something that makes others blush.
And who doesn’t like bonding with friends over feeling too tired or touched out? One of my friends and I joke that before 9 p.m., the answer is usually yes. After 9 is another story. While it’s comforting to know you’re not weird or abnormal, if you find that you’re venting about your sex life or friends’ stories leave you feeling discontent, it’s time to put up some boundaries around these subjects.
2. Media
Whether it’s a steamy novel you read after the kids are in bed or the newest season of Bridgerton, the media we consume influences what we assume sex should look like. It’s easy to forget sex scenes are choreographed. We can easily slip into the trap of thinking sex isn’t good if you are clumsy or feeling unattractive or if it doesn’t start with a passionate glance and ripping each other’s clothes off.
And one of the most toxic influences on a couple’s sex life is pornography. One study found it to be the second strongest predictor of a poor marriage. There’s a common myth that porn within marriage spices things up, but viewing porn can lead to unrealistic expectations, dissatisfaction, emotional distance, and a loss of trust. It also distorts the purpose of sex, turning it into a transaction of pleasure instead of a way to deepen intimacy. If you or your husband view pornography and want to stop, here’s a great resource.
3. Your Family
A friend of mine got married and promptly moved across the country to put distance between his mother and himself. He told me he recognized that their relationship was unhealthy—there was enmeshment, and he felt he’d betrayed his mother by getting married. He recognized that as long as he allowed his mother to hover over his marriage, he would struggle to grow close to his wife.
Entire books are dedicated to family influence on sexual behavior and attitudes toward sex. In Unwanted by Jay Stringer, he says, “Your sexual struggles reveal your wounds, but they also reveal the longings of your heart.” If you struggle to be vulnerable and intimate with your husband, talking to a professional about the messages you received when you were younger could be life-changing.
4. Your Past Experiences With Sex
It would be nice to leave behind everything from before your marriage, setting all the bad influences or mistakes neatly on the other side of your bedroom door. If you have a misguided perception of what a worthy wife does, you might not be comfortable sharing your feelings or preferences with your husband. Maybe you’ve made choices in the past that cause you to carry shame.
In Unwanted, Stringer compares sexual brokenness to a car accident. If you broke your arm in a crash, there would be steps to follow to set it back correctly. With emotional damage, healing will only come to the degree that you’re willing to address the wreckage and begin restoration.
Do any of these influences make you more or less loving and open to your husband?
