On my wedding day, I felt victorious. When my husband and I started dating, we decided we would save sex for marriage, and we’d actually managed to do that. But a few hours after our wedding, reality sank in. Sex wasn’t like the movies.
We quickly realized we would need to work on our sex life, or we’d be doomed to have bad sex for our entire marriage. It’s one thing to have a disheartening honeymoon, but what can you do when your sex life continues to be disappointing months or even years into your marriage? Maybe it was once good, but now you’re in a new phase in life and sex is underwhelming or awkward. Don’t settle. Do these 5 things when you’re having disappointing or bad sex.
1. Talk to your husband.
In the early years of marriage, this can feel awkward. However, there’s something worthwhile in expressing yourself gently to your husband. After all, you’re building your life together, and this can’t stop because you’ve hit a roadblock. Take a deep breath and tell him how you’re struggling. And if you’re brave? Ask him how you can improve for him too.
2. Find someone to talk to.
I don’t mean gossiping with your bestie. Sex is extremely personal, and the last thing you need is another person’s opinion clouding your communication with your husband. If you see value in seeking advice, don’t do it behind his back. And whether it’s a counselor, your pastor’s wife, or a friend, make sure you trust this person.
3. Set realistic expectations.
Embrace the good in your sex life. If you’ve struggled (and who hasn’t?), remember there could be hurt feelings or damaged pride. You won’t solve everything overnight, but a step in the right direction can lead to a night you’ll both remember.
4. Take initiative.
It’s easy to stay stuck in a rut. Maybe your sex life isn’t bad but just tolerable. Why not shake things up? If your husband is always the one to initiate sex, take a turn! Or get steamy in a new location or at a new time. Remember how much fun those makeout sessions used to be? Be willing to fight for your sex life. After all, if you’re committed to your marriage, this is the only sex life you’ll have. May as well give it your all!
5. Keep an eye on the long term.
‘Til death do us part, right? The media likes to portray sex as an instantaneous spark, and as if without hot, fiery lovemaking, a relationship isn’t worth your time. But in a loving marriage, you can find something deeper and more satisfying, not to mention sustainable and your own brand of spicy. Remember, it’s not a sprint. This culture wants to convince us that excitement only exists in the fleeting, first-date moments. Let’s prove them wrong.
What would you tell a friend who has confided in you that her married sex life is disappointing?
