Driving down the winding, wooded streets of Cornwall, New York, a woman’s voice projected from my car’s speakers as I listened to Focus on the Family. It was a voice that would change my sex life forever. Dr. Juli Slattery, the founder of Authentic Intimacy, discussed God’s design for sexual intimacy and how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage. I felt like I was in a sex-ed class all over again, but this time for adults.
Listening to Dr. Slattery, I had two significant revelations. One, I had no idea how ignorant I was about sex. Two, all my challenges in the bedroom were fixable! I wanted to experience sex the way she described it, and I was ready to start doing the work to get there. After years of learning from her podcast, Java with Juli, my sex life has never been more fulfilling. If you are ready to achieve intoxicating intimacy in your marriage, here are 5 fixable problems hindering you in the bedroom.
Fixable Problem 1: A Lack of Sexual Education
Many of our parents did not feel comfortable discussing the details of sex and explaining the functions of our most intimate body parts. So, our education started in school and continued with friends and media. Unfortunately, that was not enough to properly inform us and set us up for healthy married sex lives. Just educating yourself is one of the simplest ideas for how to fix intimacy problems in a marriage. Check out Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman or Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women by Joyce and Clifford Penner. You may also need to speak to a doctor to help you with any issues related to hormones or pain during sex.
Fixable Problem 2: A Disconnect Outside the Bedroom
Are you and your husband disconnected outside of the bedroom? Your level of connection transfers over to physical intimacy. I’ve learned that improving my relationship starts with my efforts; nagging my husband has the opposite effect. If you want to connect, invite your husband to go on walks, plan unique dates, participate in each other’s hobbies. All this helps create a space for relational intimacy to develop, which allows you to feel more connected and safe to engage in physical intimacy.
Fixable Problem 3: Parents Who Never Talked About It
Was sex a taboo topic in your house? Did your parents never show affection with each other? If your parents acted like sex is a bad word, you may have carried shame into your marriage. All this plays into our views on sex. We can retrain our thoughts on the importance of intimacy and make the conscious choice to show our children that it’s worth prioritizing. Counseling, relevant books, and learning God’s design for sex through His word have all helped me work toward what I want to model for my kids in this area.
If your parents acted like sex is a bad word, you may have carried shame into your marriage. Share on XFixable Problem 4: Never Talking About Sex
If you never talk about sex with your husband outside the bedroom (or in the bedroom), you’re both missing out! Discussing what you like and don’t like may feel awkward at first, but you’ll both get more comfortable with it as you practice expressing what you need. Engage in conversation about physical intimacy outside of sex and during sex. Work with your husband on sharing your thoughts and desires to achieve the sex life you’re meant to have.
Fixable Problem 5: Past Sexual Trauma
According to the CDC, more than one in three women have been victims of sexual violence, which is horrific. However, there is hope and healing available. To combat the effects of trauma and learn to manage triggers during physical intimacy, find a licensed sex therapist to help you process your feelings and learn to establish safety in sex with your husband. The healing process may take a lot of time and effort, but it’s worth it to work toward thriving intimacy in your marriage.
Which of these problems can you relate to most? Or is there something else getting in the way of a healthy sex life for you and your husband?
