Sleepovers are a thing in my community. But when my daughter got invited to one, I had to hit pause and really think about it. These days, we’re aware of so many of the potential dangers of sleepovers, and I’m not sure if they’re worth it. I’ve heard some talk about a second option—sleepunders—and am wondering if that’s the way to go instead.
As moms, we want to make the right choice for our kids, but it can cause a lot of anxiety in the process (at least for me!). So, which is a better choice? Sleepovers or sleepunders? It’s time to weigh the pros and cons.
The Pros of Sleepunders
Plain and simple, there’s less to worry about with sleepunders. Our kids come home at the end of the evening (maybe 9 or 10 p.m.) and get tucked into their own beds. With a sleepunder, we don’t have to worry about our kids being online until the wee hours of the night or bumping into the friend’s older brother on a midnight run to the bathroom.
And what if your child still occasionally wets the bed? Or sucks his thumb? He doesn’t have to stress about being found out at a sleepunder. If he has any anxiety about being away from you for the night, that can be avoided too. At a sleepunder, we can make the experience feel like a sleepover—without the sleeping part. I’m talking PJs, popcorn, a movie, and games. It’s a win-win for everyone.
The Pros of Sleepovers
When I slept over at my friend Lynn’s house in elementary school, it was pretty uneventful—in a good way. I slept in a sleeping bag in her bedroom, and in the morning, the buttery smell of her dad’s pancakes lured us downstairs.
Recently, The New York Times asked teenagers about their opinions on sleepovers, and many talked about late-night talks, strengthening friendships, and making lasting memories. One student said sleepovers help kids “develop independence and learn to adapt to situations outside of their routine.” Pediatric neuropsychologist Sara Douglas agrees that sleepovers have many social and developmental benefits for kids: “Spending time with children together, and not just children in the playground with adults moderating the conversation but having independent social interaction, is completely invaluable.”
Sleeping over at a friend’s house is like a mini summer camp experience. Our kids learn to take care of their teeth and face and soothe themselves to sleep if they’re nervous. They also learn to speak up for themselves if they’d like an extra pillow or don’t want to eat scrambled eggs. There’s a bit of learning happening here, and that’s a good thing.
The Cons of Both
With a sleepover, there’s a lot to consider. We have to be able to ask the other parents hard questions before agreeing. Douglas suggests discussing a contingency plan if the child wants to go home early, food issues, gun ownership and storage, and who else will be in the home. You might also want to know if the kids will have access to unfiltered internet and if there are any pets. Along with that, a big fear for parents is sexual assault or abuse at a sleepover, and you’ll need to gauge how comfortable you are leaving your child at the other parents’ home.
But a sleepunder isn’t a perfect solution either. When kids return home at the end of the evening, they miss out on all that late-night giggling and bonding we probably remember ourselves as kids, not to mention the social and developmental benefits Douglas mentioned above.
How to Decide for Your Child
Experimenting with sleepunders might be a good first option for kids who are interested in sleepovers when you don’t feel comfortable letting them go. And if your child really wants to do a sleepover, think about whether he’s had practice separating from you at night and if you think he’s able to speak up for himself if he needs to.
Pediatric psychologist Carolyn Ievers-Landis says there’s no one size fits all answer. With sleepovers, you need to weigh each invitation differently, thinking about how well you know the other child and that child’s family, along with how your own child might do at that person’s house for an extended period of unsupervised time. You might want to let her borrow a phone so she can call or come home whenever she wants. In the end, you know your child best. Going with your gut—and a prayer—might be the best option.
How do you feel about sleepunders and sleepovers?
