I got to the checkout line with my five items, and the kind man in front of me said, “You go ahead of me. I’ve got a cartful.” I said, “Oh, no. It’s OK. I can wait!” He insisted, and we did this awkward juggling of, “If you’re sure,” and “Yes. Go ahead,” and I got the sense he regretted making the offer in the first place. I should’ve just said thank you and put my items on the belt.
Often, saying thank you is not only the most straightforward option, but it’s also the healthiest, most productive, and best example for our kids. Have you ever opted for something other than thank you in one of these 5 situations?
1. When You Receive Unsolicited Advice
When someone you didn’t ask puts in her two cents (“Don’t let your son play football!” or “Seed oil is horrible for your kids.”), what’s your go-to response? Sometimes, I get defensive or annoyed because the words hit a nerve. Often, the advice makes me think I’ve been doing something wrong all along and just didn’t notice.
Simply saying thank you when you get unsolicited advice does three important things. It helps you grow in humility, prevents an unnecessary argument, and shows the other person respect.
Here’s how it can play out:
Your mother-in-law says, “You really should give the kids elderberry syrup. They won’t get the sniffles nearly as often as they do.” You’re tempted to say, “I know what’s best for my kids. We’re doing what we need to do.” Instead, try, “Thank you. I’ll consider it.”
2. When You Get Feedback
I’m part of a great team of writers. I would love it if every first draft I wrote got rave reviews, but sometimes, I get a “meh” or a suggestion for improving an article. Of course, that means more work!
Saying thank you when you get feedback has one huge benefit. It shifts you from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
Here it is in action:
Your coworker says, “The work you did wasn’t your best. I think it could use a bit more attention.” You’re tempted to say, “If you knew how much was on my plate, you wouldn’t say that! The reason it’s not my best is because so-and-so…” Try saying, “Thank you for your feedback. I know you’re trying to help me grow.”
3. When the Person Has Good Intentions but Bad Delivery
“Wow. Your boobs shrunk.” That was my mom’s way of saying, “I can see you’ve lost weight.” She knew I’d been eating healthier and exercising, but it stung that her “attagirl” was packaged as criticism. I didn’t want to pick a fight, and I knew her intent, so I just sighed and said, “Thanks, Mom.”
Saying thank you when someone’s well-intended words come out wrong does something profound. It extends grace, which is something we all want in return.
Here’s how my situation could’ve gone differently:
My mom says, “You’re not filling out that shirt anymore.” I could’ve said, “That was rude. Why couldn’t you just say, ‘You look nice?’” Instead, my thank you communicated, “I know what you meant, and I appreciate that you care, even if you have a strange way of showing it.” It’s worth mentioning I’ve gotten this wrong many, many times.
4. When Someone Compliments You
“You did a great job organizing the teacher appreciation luncheon.” If you heard that, how would you respond? I’m inclined to point out ways the luncheon could’ve been better. Harvard researchers found that many people divert compliments to protect themselves from future disappointment. They think downplaying a strength keeps you from setting yourself up for failure.
Saying thank you when someone compliments you gives a gift to both you and the other person. It lets you experience joy and acknowledges her kindness.
Here’s how to do it well:
Another school mom says, “That luncheon went off without a hitch! You should do that professionally!” Instead of saying, “You have no idea how chaotic it actually was. I botched so much!” Try saying, “Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it.”
5. When You’ve Done Something That Iconvenienced Another Person
Have you ever been the last mom to pick up her child and made the adult in charge wait? I have! I usually spit out some combination of, “I’m so sorry. Traffic was horrible/I lost track of time/My meeting ran over.” None of those are wrong, but as writer James Clear explains, this response “still makes the situation about you.”
Saying thank you when you’re late or have inconvenienced another person creates a shift from self-focused to other-focused. It acknowledges the sacrifice the other person made.
Here’s how to make that shift:
You’re 10 minutes late for picking up your daughter from dance, and the teacher is waiting with her keys in her hand. Instead of saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m trying to get better about running late. I need to set my clocks ahead!” Try saying, “Thank you so much for waiting. You’ve been really patient with me, and I appreciate it.”
In which of these five situations could saying thank you help you the most?
