On our way out the door, my stomach was in knots as I contemplated the dinner I was about to attend with a woman who only cared about herself and whose company I didn’t enjoy. Her husband and mine were best friends. Out of obligation to him and the years of friendship we had together, I felt trapped and unable to be honest about how I felt for fear of hurting feelings and disappointing my husband. I thought I was being a good wife and a good friend by continuing the friendship, but inside, I was miserable every time the subject of getting together came up.
When a friendship makes us feel trapped, drained, or wanting to make excuses to avoid the other person, it’s a good sign the relationship is toxic. And sometimes, the reasons we stay come from within. Here are 5 beliefs keeping you trapped in toxic friendships.
1. I am responsible for other people’s well-being.
It is really hard for me to see someone in emotional distress. I feel like I need to fix it for them. What is even more difficult for me is when someone communicates to me that I’m the reason for their distress. That has made me vulnerable to narcissistic people taking advantage of me and convincing me that I was responsible for keeping them happy. I’ve since learned that people are responsible for their own emotional state. I’ve discovered the benefit of boundaries and limitations. At first, it felt really selfish not to try to fix other people. Now I see how it creates healthier friendships.
2. I need this person.
I once had a friend who was there for me when my husband was emotionally distant and always working. She met a need for me that my husband wasn’t meeting, and it left me feeling like I needed her. When you’re only using a friend to meet a need that isn’t actually hers to meet, the relationship isn’t healthy. It’s toxic. Yes, I needed companionship and emotional intimacy—but I didn’t need it from her. I needed it from my husband.
3. I’ll be alone if I end this friendship.
Fearing loneliness, I’ve maintained toxic friendships that felt one-sided, demanding, and manipulative. What I didn’t realize was that I needed to end those friendships to make room for life-giving friendships to form. Sometimes having difficult friendships seems better than having no one at all. But in reality, toxic friendships create loneliness because we aren’t able to have authentic connections. I have found that feeling emotionally safe in friendships enables me to be more open and receptive to giving and receiving from them.
4. I am obligated to stay in this friendship.
I had a friend who was there for me when my daughter died. She went above and beyond to help me through that experience. However, a couple years later, I realized she also twisted reality and caused me to question things about myself as a means to protect herself. Whenever I was around her, I felt bad about myself and lacked confidence. Because she was there for me during a difficult time, I felt I had to stay in the friendship forever. But that isn’t true. You don’t owe a toxic person access to you just because she wasn’t always toxic.
5. I have to lose myself to have friends.
Describing myself as a chameleon, I once believed that I was a good friend because I could morph into what other people needed me to be. I could be the fun friend, the sporty friend, the commiserating friend, or the gossiping friend, depending on what the other person needed. No wonder people wanted me to be around; I was their ideal friend. It wasn’t until later that I discovered I had no idea who I was on my own. I had lost myself in order to have friends, but those women would never know the real me. Because I feared rejection, I hid far too often. The truth is that good friends know who you are and love you—and that’s not possible until you’re being yourself.
Do you recognize other beliefs keeping you trapped in toxic friendships?
