If I had a nickel for every time my friends and I joked about moving into some kind of compound where we could divvy up life’s responsibilities, I’d have enough money to start building my family’s wing of said compound. I’m not saying I’m ready for a sister wives arrangement, but parenting in a community is a different experience than doing it in isolation.
The opposite of joining forces with your mom friends is the reality a lot of us are living. We feel a constant competition out of fear that the way we’re raising our kids might not be the “right” way. But when my kids are grown and I look back, I want to see an army of moms I went to battle with, not a scattering of camps with lone soldiers. How about you? Start with these 5 easy things moms should do more often to help each other out.
1. Tell her she’s got a good kid.
One of my sons has a friend who is just the sweetest. This might sound corny, but the words that come to mind are “good citizen.” He’s polite and thoughtful. One day I witnessed him bend down to pick up trash. What kid does that? I made a mental note to text his mom to tell her how great he is.
Think about how it feels for another mom to tell you your child was a pleasure to have over or that he used good manners on the class field trip. You can never get enough of that, so be the one who uses words to encourage others. This is especially true of the kid who isn’t normally well-behaved. His mom probably needs to hear the compliment more than anyone.
2. Let her shine.
Do you have any one-uppers in your life? Those are the people who, no matter what news you have to share, can do one better. One-upping comes from a place of insecurity and does nothing to help build the mom community around you.
Some of us don’t feel the need to one-up, but we do feel compelled to chime in with our own experiences and can unintentionally steal another’s thunder. So when a mom posts on Facebook that her kids got her the best birthday present, hold off on listing what great gifts your kids got you last year. Just wish her a happy birthday and let her shine.
3. Think like a community.
My older son had one of those marathon days. Immediately after school, he had track practice and then youth group with just one hour between the two. I was texting with other moms whose boys were in the same boat and said, “Let’s consolidate our efforts. Venmo me money for Chick-fil-A. I’ll bring it to school after track and the boys can sit outside and eat while they do homework before youth group.” Then another mom drove my son home.
It’s not always that simple, but thinking more like a cooperative community is definitely one of the things moms should do more often. Offering help is a simple way to lighten the load we’re all feeling.
4. Give her a pass.
I totally bailed on a party back at Christmas time. I didn’t have a specific excuse. I was just tired and overextended. Two days out I texted the group saying there was just too much on my plate and I was sorry that I wasn’t going to make it.
Sometimes we drop the ball. Sometimes we just can’t do the thing. And sometimes we make a misstep. A simple “I get it” or “I’ve been there” goes a long way to help a mom feel less alone or guilty.
5. Ask her for advice.
Recently a friend asked for my advice on starting a podcast. I’m not an expert, but I had experiences to draw from. It made me feel appreciated and respected. Imagine how much confidence it would give a friend if you asked her for advice on a parenting topic.
“What do you think I should do about my daughter and the lying?” or “My kids fight constantly. What do you do to help yours get along?” Even if she says she doesn’t have good advice to give, asking her will grow your friendship and make her feel like she’s got something to say about this job we’re all working so hard at.
What’s another thing moms should do more often to encourage one another?
