My kids squabble over things that exasperate me: whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher, whose wrapper was left on the table, who gets to sit shotgun, who put the empty box of cereal back in the pantry… “WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!” I want it to be that simple, but it’s not. And I want them to be mature enough to follow the Golden Rule innately, but they’re not.
Many of us know the Golden Rule: Treat others how you want to be treated. But are we looking at these wise words the right way? My middle son (lover of gifts, games, and strategizing) doesn’t want to be treated the same way my youngest son (cuddly, affectionate, and sensitive) does. While I would rather have quality time and good conversation with my husband, he would rather do acts of service to show his affection. Is there a way we can each get what we need? Yes—with this helpful new way to look at the Golden Rule.
How should we look at the Golden Rule?
Treat others how they want to be treated—changing one word changes everything. Some people call this the “Platinum Rule.” It requires me to consider that my kids want to be treated how they want to be treated, and my husband wants to be treated how he wants to be treated, but none of those ways is the same. I’m not suggesting there’s anything faulty with the Golden Rule. But I am saying that to treat others how you want to be treated actually means to treat others how they want to be treated—because we all want to be treated in specific, different ways. By looking at the Golden Rule this way, we not only meet each other’s needs, but we hone the following three traits.
Humility
Humility is a necessary part of making the shift from treating others how we want to be treated to how they want to be treated. This requires putting aside our personal desires, and I suspect that was at the heart of Jesus’s original teaching of the Golden Rule.
This comes into play every time my daughter and I get into an argument. I want to talk things out right away, and she wants to calm down in her room before we talk. On more than one occasion, I’ve immediately followed her into her room without giving her time to calm down—because finding an immediate resolution is how I want to be treated. But, when I think about how she wants to be treated, I step back and give her the time she needs to calm down.
Self-Awareness
One of my sister’s pet peeves is when people aren’t fully present. If we’re on a run, or on a coffee date, it really bothers her when I check my phone or peek at the notifications on my watch. Even though I value prompt replies to texts, I’m not treating my sister how she wants to be treated if I pick up my phone and break the connection with her.
Self-awareness forces you to look at how you’ve been operating and evaluate the effectiveness. To treat others how they want to be treated, we have to do the hard work of examining where we haven’t been doing that and look for ways to improve.
Relational Awareness
My husband works very long days, and many years ago, he told me how impactful it is to come home to something as simple as a long hug. Because physical touch is not my love language, it was never the first thing I thought of when he walked through the door. Words, yes. Encouragement, absolutely. Dinner in the oven—unlikely, but perhaps. But treating him how he wants to be treated means I prioritize hugging him as soon as he gets home.
Genuinely knowing others is one of the most essential keys to making this twist on the Golden Rule really work. What is her love language? Appreciation language? Communication style? Treating others how they want to be treated isn’t our automatic tendency; it requires intentionality and selflessness, but the payoff is golden.
What relationships make it hard for you to apply the Golden Rule?
