I drove home from the school after dropping off my daughter, tears threatening my vision. Luckily, I didn’t have far to go. Empty rooms and perfect silence greeted me. I continued to blink back tears as I measured coffee grounds and listened to the machine gurgle and drip. I distracted myself with things to do around the house and eventually, forgot for a time about my child at school.
Maybe you think I sound pathetic. Or maybe you can relate? To some degree, I think I had parental separation anxiety, especially when my kids were little. Do you think it affects you too? Here are 5 causes of parental separation anxiety and how you can learn to cope better.
1. Loneliness
When the time came for my daughter to start preschool, I second-guessed my own readiness. She’d been my little buddy at my side for years. And without her, I felt like I was missing a part of myself. Staying busy helped. If we have something scheduled while our kids are gone, it can ease the loneliness and help us feel more in control.
Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. writes that loneliness in marriage could also contribute to parental separation anxiety. She says we might rely on our kids’ company too much if our husbands work long hours or are absent emotionally. What’s contributing to your loneliness?
2. Uncertainty in Your Role
Have your dropped off your child and then driven home, wondering what your role was now that your child doesn’t need you all day? I have. I think a lot of moms go through this transition period where we feel momentarily lost, like driving through a new town with no GPS.
Moms who have separation anxiety tend to excessively worry and might be guilty of catastrophic thinking, according to licensed professional counselor Jerimya Fox. They may also have high levels of depression or anger and exhibit physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, and stomachaches. But if your feelings are manageable, you might just have some growing pains during this new stage of life. Talking to a fellow mom or someone else you trust could help relieve the symptoms.
3. Life Changes
My friend Katya’s son transferred to a new school after she and her husband divorced. She said it was hard leaving her son at the new school, and she drove the entire way to work in tears. Fox says significant life changes such as divorce, the death of a loved one, and even a global health crisis like the pandemic all contribute to the risk of parental separation anxiety.
If you’ve moved recently and haven’t yet found a circle of friends, you might also have more sadness when saying goodbye to your child. Try to find a church community or resources for moms at the public library that could offer support. You don’t have to go through this alone!
4. Being a Single Mom
Feeling low right before your child leaves for his dad’s or an hour or two afterward is normal. Parental separation anxiety can be painful whether you’re worrying about your child’s well-being or just dealing with feelings of being on your own in an empty house.
Is there a sweet routine you could incorporate to help with goodbyes? Cuddling on the couch or playing a board game right before your child leaves could ease the transition for both of you. And while she’s gone, it could be helpful to receive photos or texts. Talk to your ex about seeing if this is possible. It might make you feel better knowing you’re able to communicate with your child or see what she’s up to.
5. Worry for Her Well-Being
When my food-allergic daughter started preschool for a few hours a week, I had anxiety about her safety. If your child has a health concern of any kind, leaving her in the care of someone else can be nerve-wracking. What helped ease my separation anxiety was educating teachers to recognize and respond to symptoms of an allergic reaction. I also taught my child how to advocate for herself from a young age. Knowing she could take care of herself eased my nerves and made our time apart a bit easier.
Have you experienced parental separation anxiety?
