I gripped the tiny Superman socks so tightly that I put fingernail imprints in the palms of my hands. We were trying to get out the door for a fun day at a theme park and with every little annoyance, I could feel the mom rage building up in me. I was ready to explode. My hands shook, my teeth clenched, and finally, I shouted in my son’s face: “Just put on the socks, now!” He cried. I cried. The day was off to a magical start.
What is it about motherhood that can make even the calmest woman blow her gasket? How is it that the people we love most can turn us into really scary versions of ourselves? It turns out mom rage is different from anger and comes with a unique set of emotions. Here’s why, along with 5 ways to handle it.
How Rage Differs From Anger
Have you ever denied being angry but not been able to put your finger on what you’re feeling? It’s because anger is a secondary emotion that’s caused by something else you’re feeling deeper down. It might be frustration or annoyance, but it can also be more unexpected emotions like fear or sadness. When all those deeper emotions are knotted up, unable to be released, that’s when rage comes out.
It’s like getting caught in a spider web. Anger can feel like running into one strand. It might startle you, but you probably pick it off and continue on your way. Rage, on the other hand, is like walking into a huge web—no matter what you try to do, you still feel like you’re covered and there’s probably a spider crawling on you right now. It’s impossible to stay calm.
Why Mom Rage Is So Intense
I didn’t experience real rage until I became a mom. It scared me that I had the physical response that I did. One reason mom rage is so common and so intense is that we are constantly putting our own needs aside. We wipe, we cook, we clean, we counsel, we do all the things as patiently as we can. But because we’re human, sometimes these things annoy us.
How about when the baby wakes up from a nap right when you sit down to eat your hot lunch? You might not get mad right then, but later in the evening, when your husband makes a comment about dinner being cold, that’s the final straw. Mom rage is the eruption of a volcano formed by depleted energy, unprocessed emotions, and neglected needs.
How to Reduce Your Mom Rage
Identify your triggers. My friend used to say that bath time pushed her to her limit. The combination of the time of day, bending awkwardly at the edge of the tub, and a toddler who didn’t like water on her head broke her. She saw the pattern and asked her husband to step in.
Picture yourself as a thermometer. This will be lost on you if you’ve only used digital thermometers, but I’m going for it anyway. Imagine that you have that line of mercury, rising up in you. As it gets higher, you’ve got to cool down. Walk away from the situation or tell your husband, “I feel like my anger is rising up and I need help.”
Listen to something. If your husband comes home and occupies the kids, even for 15 minutes, put in earbuds and listen to music or your favorite podcast. Do it while you fold laundry alone in your room. Tune out the noises and needs in the house to have a moment to regroup.
Find a physical outlet. I heard about a group of women who met at a football field to let out mom rage by screaming. I’m more of an internal processor, but maybe you’d like to scream or punch something. You might find that one kickboxing class a week will satisfy that need.
Forgive yourself. Piling guilt on top of everything else will only make it worse. The first time you throw something or slam a door, that myth of the sweet, doting mother shatters. Remind yourself you’re doing the hardest but most important job and that every day is new.
How do you deal with mom rage?
